I'm In The Process...

I'm under construction. I'm moving forward. I have recently started to reread two books, one being Beth Moore's Praying God's Word and Harold S. Kushner's How Good Do We Have To Be?. I have realized more and more that I have not worked through some events that happened when I first moved here. Its been painfully obvious for a long time. To even show me even further what I need to work on I have had other events that have a common thread to show me that I need to keep on the path and the journey of forgiveness.

One thing I'm working on right now is being completely honest with God. I have for once started admitting who I'm really angry at. Although I am angry with the ones who hurt me or betrayed me, I'm also angry with God. What?!?!! Yes, I'm angry at God. I've allowed myself to tell Him why I'm angry. This hasn't been an easy process. I'm mostly angry that He hasn't brought justice. I'm angry that He hasn't moved this people to want to change anything. The reason this makes me so angry is because several years ago I had two different situations where I had to forgive people before there was ever any acknowledgement from them. But what was so amazing about their situation was that God did amazing work of bringing us together, not only was there forgiveness, acknowledgement (on both sides), but there was restoration. I guess in my mind from those two situations I thought that is how Christians and God worked this stuff out. I'm angry that this has not been the situation as of late. So I'm angry at God for changing the rules and I feel not giving me the tools to deal with this.

The other thing I'm working on is the disappointment in so called/professing Christians. Ok, I'm not just disappointed I'm angry at them. I'm angry that they do not respond to confrontation. They do not respond to the realization they did something to hurt you. Is this just a Canadian thing? Or is this just a lesson God is teaching me? Again, this goes back to the process I had gone through several years ago, where a Christian brother/sister was confronted and it was prayed over, talked about, acknowledged and we walked through it together. I just don't have any tool that helps me deal with unacknowledged hurt or glib behavior towards someone's hurt. By glib behavior I mean acting as though every thing is just fine between us. I just don't have any data or file to pull out and process this. The words I use a lot in these situation is, unreal, 'I just don't get it', Wow, 'I'm just lost', and many other words. I just don't get how people can just ignore confrontation or treat it so lightly.

So with these two things in mind I have seen God slowly giving me words of wisdom. Not only through His word, but through other's words as well. One thing I'm chewing on right now is from Beth Moore's book Breaking Free from Spiritual Strongholds; Praying God's Word this book has given me a lot of help. She uses a lot of scripture, but there was a quote that made me pause and understand what was being shared in scripture. The quote says:

Withholding forgiveness until an offender understands or acknowledges the emotional pain they have inflicted is a subtle form of revenge. Why? Because it's hoping that the offender would hurt a little too, in order to understand. But this type of revenge robs you of your freedom and allows the offender to keep control of you.- Dr. Chuck Lynch,I Should Forgive, but...

I never thought of it this way. I'm upset or angry because my "offenders" have never acknowledged my pain and the effect of their wrong doing. So therefore I allow this dead body to continue to hold on to me. I can't be free because I'm not letting go of the chains because I'm allowing their lack of acknowledgement infect me further, even more than the original hurt. This is costing me a lot of energy, its costing me happiness, peace and joy.

Another thing I'm allowing myself to realize is my offenders were wrong and what they did/are doing is wrong, BUT I still need to move on. I at one point had made the assumption that it was me. It had to be, why would they (the offender) not acknowledge what was going on. I have finally allowed myself to put the ownership back on them. This allows me to take steps on things I can work on, instead of trying to fix everything, even the wrong doing. This was and is a madding circle. Its an insane one. So I have stepped out of that circle. I have been working putting the ownership of the wrong doing back on them and letting God work on me with the aftermath. This hasn't been easy. I'm a fixer. I'm a chaser of making things right and healing. So for me this has been so hard, but it has to be done, because I'm not The Fixer, I'm not The Healer! Go figure. ;)

I'm going to end on this quote again from "Praying God's Word". This quote expresses the importance of this journey. If you are dealing with unforgivness, friend it will kill you before it kills your offender. Trust me I feel the effects of this daily in my life, if there is one thing I can speak on is the energy wasted. Anyway, here is the quote:

Unforgivness is not a self-contained disease. It defiles many. When life heats... its acid boils forth, burning everyone it touches. Neither is forgiveness self-contained. It heals many. When life heats... its living waters overflow-refreshing everyone it touches.-author unknown

This is why its so important to me. And that is why I encourage any of you in the same place as I am. I end with this prayer, blessings everyone:

O Lord, I desire not to grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom I was sealed for the day of redemption. By the power of Your Spirit, help me to get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. I desire to be kind and compassionate to others, forgiving others, just as in Christ You forgave me. (prayer taken from Eph. 4:30-32)