I My Mood Today Is...

I feel very frusterated with myself today. I don't like feeling like a victim and I don't like acting like one, but lately that is what I have been acting like. Skirting around certian issues going on in my life and hiding from certian things.
I'm frusterated with not knowing if I will ever be able to be apart of a church. For the thrid week (maybe longer) Blake and I found ourselves not going again. I like the church we have been visiting. I think its great. The people are so nice, but there is this part of me that fears them. I fear them finding out who I really am and what that means about my time there. I fear them. I fear them with a passion. They can potentially be like others who have taken advantage of me and of others, then never acknowledging any of it. I know this sounds strange because we are all human we have the potential to hurt one another, but honestly I'm in a place right now that cannot allow one more thing. Which leads me to my other frusteration.

I'm tired of feeling vunerable. I hate feeling that way. Its frusterating to me. I don't like feeling
I'm fragile and someone can use something they may know I'm struggling with against me or for their abusive behavior. I guess this comes from experiences, but right now I'm just feeling vulenerable which means I can be prone to being hurt futher. I'm not a fan of that, which who is?

I'm also frusterated with Christians abusing their "power". I'm mad that I have let their abuse dictate as of late what I write about. I had someone recently use my blogging on forgiveness and bitterness as a tool. They think that my enteries have been about them, so then thinking they have power in my life, because they are in "ministry" they can speak into my life and tell me what is wrong with me. So now, I wonder if I should continue to blog and if I should, should it be as raw and real as it has been. I don't like giving people of this nature any more rope than I have to, but knowing they continue to ignore request of staying away from me it makes me want to stop. I thought my post on my name would have cleared this stuff up about what I write here, but I guess it didn't. So I'm frusterated with that. Do I close this thing down, do I start just sharing surface things, or what do I do? I personally am to the point of shutting down. I'm tired of my words being taken out of context or my words being used to supporst someone elses' sick games. I said in the "My Name" entry that if you think an entry is about you then to ask me if it is, just ask! Especially with my blogging of my journey on forgivness and bitterness. Out of respect for the people I have problems with I'm not publishing thier names. They don't know about this blog and as far as I'm concerned I'm talking about my journey with it. Those people know who they are and although I have been treated with less respect they would give a dog, I will treat them with respect and not publish thier names and all the events that have caused me to continue on this journey. I wanted to share my journey, but I didn't want my joureny to be used as a tool by someone who knows nothing about me to speak into my life where they have 1. no foundation or history with me, 2. have no respect for me, 3. have never built a community between us. These three issues have deeper subtext, but they are good surface examples.

So anyway today has been a day of thinking alot and from that feeling very frusterated. To add to that frusteration I got an e-mail from a friend dealing with junk at their church and although they have not gone into depth about it, the under tones sound so familar my skin starts to crawl. Don't you wish it weren't wrong to bang heads together or to be violent at times? Just joking! Anyway, maybe some trusted friends can pray for me.