Here is something I found Tuesday after a long hard confrontation with our Elders on Monday. I felt so weak inside as if my world had come apart. Little did I know it truely had. Here is why:

FROM THE FATHER'S HEART
by: Charles Slagle

Pg.50

Removing The Rubble

Sorry that I haven't put the page here. I have been busy. When things settle and I can type it out I will. Just hang in there. :)

"Going to church" what a pain in the butt. I wonder as I'm entering what will happen to me. I wonder what will be said and if I will be hurt just one more time. Is this the wrong attitude to have? I wonder? I don't know. I really don't. I just know that right now that is how I feel. I was in a good mood getting ready to go to church but by the time we got in the car and headed closer and closer to the building I felt myself become defensive. The breaking of bread service was good and God just really showed me Himself. By the time it was over, I found myself in a bad mood yet again. I truely don't know what to do right now. Anyway, tonight is the night. YUCK....................

So I'm sitting here at work and I'm wondering what is next for us. It looks like my husband is getting a chance to go to Russia, well, the Ukraine to be exact. I'm happy for him. This is his dream, it is what makes his eyes shine. I'm glad for that. So my heart hasn't been in Russia for so long. My heart has been here in the North America. It has been dreaming of the possiblities of being here. Dreaming of a ministry that in the end won't happen. So I'm needing a new heart for Russia. The thought of Russia right now scares me. I don't know that I want to be so far away from our family. I want to serve God and I have said that I will go where ever He wants me to go but right now I'm playing a game I don't need to. I'm asking why me? I'm asking why it is that everyone else gets to live the upper middle class life and I get to learn to lay it all down. I know that sounds silly, what a great thing to do, but to serve my God, my King, but at the same time it is so hard to not want to be a Jones when everyone else around you seems to be that. As I write this my heart knows the truth, being a Jones isn't who I am or what God has made me to be. So what does this tell me? Satan is working on me and so is my flesh. So what does this tell me? Lean on the Father, seek His peace and direction. hhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm............seems so simple..............................

God, my heart is acking today. It is desiring to go back in time and to change things. I want to go back and be with the kids and ignore the pain of what was happening with the resume. I want to do ministry that I love. I want to reach kids that I care about. I'm so desiring it. I love those kids. I love doing God's work. I love being his servant. I feel defective right now. I feel out of place. I read the other blogg I was apart of and I am jealous. I want to scream "WHY CAN'T I!!!!!!!!!" Have my fit and go on. Seriously why is this happening? Why can't I understand what to do or how to act. Things are not what the used to be. I'm lonely for someone who understands, someone who understands what it is like to have loss. I'm tired. I'm tired of no help and no understanding. I'm tired of waiting for the axe to fall, I'm tired of living in fear. I don't know that anyone will understand. I don't think even my husband understands at this point. We are too busy tearing each other down and letting it all out on each other. I would love to have a just hug my husband and know that he understands. That he isn't looking for away.......................anyway, God please hear us, please hear me. Please don't let this go with out Your love being poured over this. O-kay I'm finished...........................