God, my heart is acking today. It is desiring to go back in time and to change things. I want to go back and be with the kids and ignore the pain of what was happening with the resume. I want to do ministry that I love. I want to reach kids that I care about. I'm so desiring it. I love those kids. I love doing God's work. I love being his servant. I feel defective right now. I feel out of place. I read the other blogg I was apart of and I am jealous. I want to scream "WHY CAN'T I!!!!!!!!!" Have my fit and go on. Seriously why is this happening? Why can't I understand what to do or how to act. Things are not what the used to be. I'm lonely for someone who understands, someone who understands what it is like to have loss. I'm tired. I'm tired of no help and no understanding. I'm tired of waiting for the axe to fall, I'm tired of living in fear. I don't know that anyone will understand. I don't think even my husband understands at this point. We are too busy tearing each other down and letting it all out on each other. I would love to have a just hug my husband and know that he understands. That he isn't looking for away.......................anyway, God please hear us, please hear me. Please don't let this go with out Your love being poured over this. O-kay I'm finished...........................