Well it has been along time since my last post. Alot has been going on. I don't really know what to say but I'm trying to travel the best I can.

Something I never thought was that I was so transparent. I never thought people could see my loneliness. I thought I had hid it well. I guess not. I am lonely. I don't have many people here who understand me. I don't think they get where I'm coming from. To be honest, I don't get them. I really don't. I just know that my life is God's and I desire it to be completly His. I know I'm not perfect. I know that I have my problems but it would be so awesome to be around people who's heart was the same as mine. Being unperfect before God and others. Allowing God to be perfect in them. My Dad said something awesome once, "I don't come here (community of Christ) because I'm perfect, I come here to meet the One who can perfect me." How awesome is that. I come to the Community of Christ because I'm seeking God's perfection and I'm needing people along with me in the journey. I pray some how I will get that. I pray that I will find that here, in anyway I can get it.

My husband put on his blog that we are poor. Maybe we are maybe we aren't. I don't feel poor. Matter of fact in some ways I feel rich. Now he is coming from the way others look at us. Maybe if we started seeing that we are truely rich maybe people would see that also. Blake and I aren't rich as far as material things but I'm happy. I'm happy with where we are. There are times of stress when I'm not but overall I am happy. I love my husband he has done so much for me. He is a wonderful guy. Anyway, if anyone is reading this please pray for us. Pray for us to remain faithful and that God would continue to be faithful to His calling. :)

Something I realized yesterday was that I wasn't really living and being 1 Corn. 13 with my husband. Blake, I want you to know how sorry I am that I think of myself first so many times. Although there maybe something I don't like and I don't want to do it I should just to show you that I love you. I wish that I could say that I have showed what it is to love you. I get onto you for not putting your love into action and here I am not even setting an example of what that is. I'm sorry. All I know to say is this, I do love you, and I promise to make an effort to love you as Christ loved the church. I do love you honey. You have made my life better and I thank you for marrying me. Your a wonderful man! I love you!!!!!!!!!! :)

Well last night I went to a wedding that was just o-kay. It made me so glad that my husband and I put God first in our wedding. We couldn't help but do that and be that. It was our desire for God to be glorified and seen in our life and our marriage. It still is. It was just a dissapionting wedding. I would have loved to have gone and seen something so good for the Father. To see a couple sacrifice their marriage that day for the Lord. Realizing it isn't about ourselves we have anything but for God.

Real quick. I'm so tired of the homosexual issue. I'm so tired as a christian who believes homosexuality is a sin that I should repent of it, ect. Why is it that we are fine with calling other things sin but can't live with the fact that homosexuality is. By calling it a sin does not mean that God does not love the homosexual. It does not mean that homosexuals are going to burn in the firy gates of hell. It means they are struggling along just like I am and must repent just like me. What is so difficult about that? What is so out there about that. If God has called me to go on and sin no more why is that homosexuals are called to something different? Just asking because anyone who supports "homosexual christanity" will not or won't answer these questions. Just wanting to vent. I'm at a message board where my thoughts can't be truely expressed. Thought this would be safe seeing how it is MY PLAYGROUND! ;)

Things are going o-kay right now. I'm just depressed I guess in some ways, nothing seems to be working out right here. I'm just going with the flow and hoping at some point there will be a breaking point of acceptance. I'm tired of living in fear. I'm tired of living in chains. I know that God has a plan for me and I know that He wants my life to be an open book for Him. Blank book for Him to write. How many times through all of this have I closed myself off? TOO MANY I'm afraid. I don't know if anyone is reading this. I don't know if anyone cares what is happening to me. I know that there is One Person who does and His name is Jesus of Nazerath. He is my Messiah! I know that might sound cheese like but it is how I feel about Him. I know that my life isn't perfect but I know it can be. I live in the hope of Jesus and the hope of tomorrow.

Right now I feel deep because it seems death is all around. Is there an age where you see it more? Right now one of our youth from our church is battling death, or may have won the battle already. I don't know. I just know right now, although I know Brent may have gone with Jesus, there is this feeling of "why Lord, why someone so young?" "why him?" I just pray that right now that God uses Brent whether alive here or alive with in heaven.

So I'm working and I'm wondering if I'm turning into the "perfect christian chic" again. I don't want to do that. I want to be who I am. I want to show Christ. I don't want to tarnish Christ but I want to show Him too. I want to live out His calling, I want to live out His purpose. Anyway, many thoughts.

Is anyone out there? I guess we won't know will we...............................

Here is something I found Tuesday after a long hard confrontation with our Elders on Monday. I felt so weak inside as if my world had come apart. Little did I know it truely had. Here is why:

FROM THE FATHER'S HEART
by: Charles Slagle

Pg.50

Removing The Rubble

Sorry that I haven't put the page here. I have been busy. When things settle and I can type it out I will. Just hang in there. :)

"Going to church" what a pain in the butt. I wonder as I'm entering what will happen to me. I wonder what will be said and if I will be hurt just one more time. Is this the wrong attitude to have? I wonder? I don't know. I really don't. I just know that right now that is how I feel. I was in a good mood getting ready to go to church but by the time we got in the car and headed closer and closer to the building I felt myself become defensive. The breaking of bread service was good and God just really showed me Himself. By the time it was over, I found myself in a bad mood yet again. I truely don't know what to do right now. Anyway, tonight is the night. YUCK....................

So I'm sitting here at work and I'm wondering what is next for us. It looks like my husband is getting a chance to go to Russia, well, the Ukraine to be exact. I'm happy for him. This is his dream, it is what makes his eyes shine. I'm glad for that. So my heart hasn't been in Russia for so long. My heart has been here in the North America. It has been dreaming of the possiblities of being here. Dreaming of a ministry that in the end won't happen. So I'm needing a new heart for Russia. The thought of Russia right now scares me. I don't know that I want to be so far away from our family. I want to serve God and I have said that I will go where ever He wants me to go but right now I'm playing a game I don't need to. I'm asking why me? I'm asking why it is that everyone else gets to live the upper middle class life and I get to learn to lay it all down. I know that sounds silly, what a great thing to do, but to serve my God, my King, but at the same time it is so hard to not want to be a Jones when everyone else around you seems to be that. As I write this my heart knows the truth, being a Jones isn't who I am or what God has made me to be. So what does this tell me? Satan is working on me and so is my flesh. So what does this tell me? Lean on the Father, seek His peace and direction. hhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm............seems so simple..............................

God, my heart is acking today. It is desiring to go back in time and to change things. I want to go back and be with the kids and ignore the pain of what was happening with the resume. I want to do ministry that I love. I want to reach kids that I care about. I'm so desiring it. I love those kids. I love doing God's work. I love being his servant. I feel defective right now. I feel out of place. I read the other blogg I was apart of and I am jealous. I want to scream "WHY CAN'T I!!!!!!!!!" Have my fit and go on. Seriously why is this happening? Why can't I understand what to do or how to act. Things are not what the used to be. I'm lonely for someone who understands, someone who understands what it is like to have loss. I'm tired. I'm tired of no help and no understanding. I'm tired of waiting for the axe to fall, I'm tired of living in fear. I don't know that anyone will understand. I don't think even my husband understands at this point. We are too busy tearing each other down and letting it all out on each other. I would love to have a just hug my husband and know that he understands. That he isn't looking for away.......................anyway, God please hear us, please hear me. Please don't let this go with out Your love being poured over this. O-kay I'm finished...........................

I guess life isn't really over. I guess my heart feels like it has been torn out. I love those kids. I love the youth at our church. Things now have gone sour and its done. Oh Lord please be with those kids. Help them understand.

So right now I'm homesick. It just hit me out of no where. I miss home. So much I never thought about. Crazy things. Like I miss walking around Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart just isn't the same up here. I miss going to Joe Muggs and desiring a new book at Book-A-Million. I miss the people. Crap I miss my boss that got under my skin. I miss calling up friends and just hanging out. How I wish that I could find a nitch. This is the nitch I want: a nitch with a husband,book reader,but seems to have a problem with finishing them,a Beth Moore lover, a music lover,lots of laughter, and just peace. A nitch where you can say what is on your mind and you don't have to worry about it going any further. I guess the nitch I want is home. Who knew that I would miss Arkansas so much. Anyway,enough of this. Things are getting better just got hit! :P Well that is it for tonight. Latta!!!!!!!!!

I want to say I'm sorry to you. I'm sorry for not seeing who you are and what you need. I'm sorry for giving you milk when your desire has been meat. I'm sorry that I have dumbed you down to where you can't even walk on your own. I shouldn't have kept those training wheels on so long. I'm sorry that I used you. I just thought I needed to do something. I mean I'm supposed to do ministry. I mean I can't help if you are a teenager and I have to reach you at all cost. So what that I marketed to you. I mean it didn't hurt you that bad. Did it? We got you alot of friends, what 300 of them? I'm sorry those 300 friends didn't minister to you. I'm sorry that you don't know what you are going to do now your in college. But hey, weren't those candles and couches cool.........oh.......I guess not. I'm sorry I just needed to do something. I'm sorry. I guess I was too busy with 299 kids to realize that you weren't happy and needed help. I just had all these great books with ideas, I just knew I needed to use them. Listen, I'm sorry. I forgot the purpose of it all. I'm sorry that I let you down. Can you forgive me.......what is your name again?

So I haven't been faithful lately. Just wondering when I will feel normal again? When does this feeling of being out of place go away? My marriage is fine. We do it some road blocks here and there but we make it threw just fine. I'm just not me. I'm just not with it. Oh,God I have lost You. Help me get a schedule. Help focous me............

O-kay out of my playground I come. I don't feel like I'm apart of the world right now. Kindof just hanging in. I guess that is what depression does to ya! HA!!! I'm looking for ways to handle a situation and I feel I don't know how to just yet. The Lord will show me. It will all work out.

I just had the greatest quote at a message board I go to. Its from a poster there named Mr_Magoo he said:

"I am sending you out like sheep among wolves.
Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves." Matthew 10:16

there is no situation so dangerous that we know god can't possibly be calling us to walk into it.
there is no ministry opportunity so compelling that we know we can disregard the danger.

This fits so well with all that is around me. I can't even expound on it right now. I just want to sit and look at it over and over. Never forget it!!!!!!!!! Man that is awesome!!!!!! :)

So the play ground called me and I had to go. I'm running to it actually. I have to get there. The pain of somethings became too much today. I don't want to leave my God. I have no desire to leave what He has called me to do. I have all the desire to run after Him but I'm sitting here wondering why I feel like I have to be the mature one. When do I get to get my way! I want it so bad. Why do people think it is o-kay to use you at their own will and then to not take responsiblity. I told my husband today that I knew that I could see in the Word that we were to go to our brother, forgive and build from there. I have been told today about 2 people I confronted on that there was nothing to work on. It couldn't be worked on any further. So basically, we don't want to acknowledge your hurt and you just go on. So, here I am. I'm on my swing. I can feel it. The acceptance of God there. The love there. The breeze over me and the pit of my stomach falling out as I hit the bottom of the back and forth motion. Its so safe here. No one to interfere. No one to hurt me. I think I will like to stay here. Some where safe. I don't want to work on it today. I don't know that I ever will. hhhhhmmmmm...so safe.......

I have found something new. Well not new, but old. I'm on a fringe of seeing something. I'm realizing that there is this world out there that I haven't gotten into. I'm not alone in seeing something different with the church. I'm nuts. Neither is my husband. I keep praying that God will keep showing us the major picture. I think we have only seen parts and He is giving us ppl to help show us the way. :) WoW!!!!!! Its amazing!!!!!!!!

O-kay so I have put my feet into the ground and I seem to be hanging on pretty well. I talked to this guy yesterday and it was awesome. It was nice to connect with someone who knew where you were coming from. It was nice to have someone say "I understand" I hung up the phone and told my husband what had happened. He was encouraged too. It was as though we both came to a place where we weren't alone.
On the war front. It sucks. To be an American in a country that hates you is interesting. I have never felt so defensive about my country. It has been hard to watch people burn the flag. It has been hard to hear people say some really tough things about America. I don't know what else to say about it but that it sucks. I pray God blesses our country and that some how things turn around fast.

I'm frustrated today. I can't seem to get away from all that seems to crowd my world. I need to go to my playground but for some reason I can't. People keep abusing my openess. They think it is o-kay to use you for their gain. They act surprised when you call them on it. I had that happen recently. I have laid out my cards to people and they are acting surprised. As thougth it is o-kay to manipulate and use people at their free will. I want to take a stand but I feel weak. I want to hit but something keeps pulling my hand back. I took one punch and it didn't even phase anyone. I want to run to my playground, I want to play. I don't want to stay here any more. If I can just get on my swing. OH God let me just go to my swing. Right now I will stay here in the real world. Not wanting to deal. Wanting to run to Jewel's Land. I will fight for now. I will run later. I think if I can just squeeze my toes into the ground I can make it one more day. Just one more time around.........

Alright now! Its working!!!!!! Yes!!!! O-kay now I'm energized. OH the typing we will go. The Typing we will go!!! ;)

I don't know that this thing is working of if it can be seen! I can't seem to veiw what I'm putting out there. Anyway, hopefully soon it will be rockn' and rolln'. LOL

I'm sitting here and I'm wondering why I did what I did today. I let myself be seen. I let the deep pit of my true side show. I let someone know what I truely thought. I let some of the hate that I have for people out. Now I wonder if I should have. I have done a good job of letting myself and others think that I'm a perfect Christian. I like that game. It is safe. Its where I go to play. Its Jewel's Land. The Land where I can control. I don't feel controlled when I go outside to play in someone else's Land. I don't feel apart and feel that their rules aren't what I want to play by. I guess it is selfish.....I just wish people would wake up. I wish that people would see what life is really about. Well....back to my jungle gym. I like to swing on the bars. The wind feels good on my face. AH Yes....

Well nothing to say today. I just started and hopefully things will start to grow from there. :)
God bless......