Thursday, June 24, 2004
My Community: The Laundry Mat
I love my laundry mat. I look forward to going when I can. The gentlemen who owns the place is Indian (not native btw). He remembers me and always says "Long time no see, its been too long." I will normally shake my head in agreement and tell where I have been. Thats community. Coming, being greeted, catching up on each other's lives. His mother once minstered to me. I don't know if they believe in "my God" but she spoke to me about God and how He takes care of us. The gospel was all through out what she said. She doesn't know it but I went to my car and cried because God used her voice to comfort me. The best part about my Laundry Mat Commuinty is there is no rules to enter into it. Although I have to say there is one, SHARE!!! Sometimes you get news in and they like to lay claim on things and not share, I sometimes get mad, but other times I just the LMC teach them on their own. God is so present with me when I go to the LMC. I wish "church" were more like that. I guess beggers can't be choosers, but at least I get some of what I'm looking for while doing my dirty laundry. Do you see it the gospel is so present there, in unique ways. I hope all people have some where this can be true to them.
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Awesome Lyrics
This is by Casting Crowns:
American Dream
All work no play may have made Jack a dull boy
But all work no God has left Jack with a lost soul
But he's moving on full steam
He's chasing the American dream
And he's gonna give his family the finer things
Not this time son I've no time to waste
Maybe tomorrow we'll have time to play
And then he slips into his new BMW
And drives farther and farther and farther away
So He works all day and tries to sleep at night
He says things will get better;
Better in time
And he works and he builds with his own two hands
And he pours all he has in a castle made with sand
But the wind and the rain are comin' crashing in
Time will tell just how long his kingdom stands
His kingdom stands
His American Dream is beginning to seem
More and more like a nightmare
With every passing day
"Daddy, can you come to my game?"
"Oh Baby, please don't work late."
Another wasted weekend
And they are slipping away
'Cause he works all day and lies awake at night
He tells them things will get better
It'll just take a little more time
He used to say, "Whoever dies with the most toys wins"
But if he loses his soul, what has he gained in the end
I'll take a shack on the rock
Over a castle in the sand
Now he works all day and cries alone at night
It's not getting any better
Looks like he's running out of time
'Cause he worked and he built with his own two hands
And he poured all he had in a castle made with sand
But the wind and the rain are coming crashing in
Time will tell just how long his kingdom stands
His kingdom stands
All they really wanted was You
All they really wanted was You
All they really wanted was You
(c) 2003 Club Zoo Music / SWEC Music
(Admin. by Club Zoo Music) / BMI.
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
and one last one:
If We Are The Body
It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in trying to fade into the faces
The girls teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know
Chorus:
But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way
A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat and quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances
Tells him that his chances are better out on the road
Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the body of Christ
Jesus is the way
(c) 2003 Club Zoo Music / SWEC Music (Admin. by Club Zoo Music) / BMI. All rights reserved. Used by permission.
I don't own this cd but found these lyrics, I think they are amazing!!!!
American Dream
All work no play may have made Jack a dull boy
But all work no God has left Jack with a lost soul
But he's moving on full steam
He's chasing the American dream
And he's gonna give his family the finer things
Not this time son I've no time to waste
Maybe tomorrow we'll have time to play
And then he slips into his new BMW
And drives farther and farther and farther away
So He works all day and tries to sleep at night
He says things will get better;
Better in time
And he works and he builds with his own two hands
And he pours all he has in a castle made with sand
But the wind and the rain are comin' crashing in
Time will tell just how long his kingdom stands
His kingdom stands
His American Dream is beginning to seem
More and more like a nightmare
With every passing day
"Daddy, can you come to my game?"
"Oh Baby, please don't work late."
Another wasted weekend
And they are slipping away
'Cause he works all day and lies awake at night
He tells them things will get better
It'll just take a little more time
He used to say, "Whoever dies with the most toys wins"
But if he loses his soul, what has he gained in the end
I'll take a shack on the rock
Over a castle in the sand
Now he works all day and cries alone at night
It's not getting any better
Looks like he's running out of time
'Cause he worked and he built with his own two hands
And he poured all he had in a castle made with sand
But the wind and the rain are coming crashing in
Time will tell just how long his kingdom stands
His kingdom stands
All they really wanted was You
All they really wanted was You
All they really wanted was You
(c) 2003 Club Zoo Music / SWEC Music
(Admin. by Club Zoo Music) / BMI.
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
and one last one:
If We Are The Body
It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in trying to fade into the faces
The girls teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know
Chorus:
But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way
A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat and quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances
Tells him that his chances are better out on the road
Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the body of Christ
Jesus is the way
(c) 2003 Club Zoo Music / SWEC Music (Admin. by Club Zoo Music) / BMI. All rights reserved. Used by permission.
I don't own this cd but found these lyrics, I think they are amazing!!!!
Depression
Lately, I have been really struggling under depression. I don't know why. I do know it runs in my family. I guess its been a hard week all the way around. Blake and I couldn't seem to get along and I couldn't get along with anyone so I found shelter in myself or so I thought.
When will we find a church that isn't all about its self and not about its desires. When will we have a community? When will we all look around and see that there are people not only depressed around us but much worse. When will we stop being self absorbed thinking we have come up with a better medicine than what Christ offered?
Oh Lord forgive us of our sin. Forgive us for being so concerned about making your medicine a new flavor. Help us Lord to know your flavor will only be dimissed and will not taste the same if we keep changing. Help us to be content.
Amen
When will we find a church that isn't all about its self and not about its desires. When will we have a community? When will we all look around and see that there are people not only depressed around us but much worse. When will we stop being self absorbed thinking we have come up with a better medicine than what Christ offered?
Oh Lord forgive us of our sin. Forgive us for being so concerned about making your medicine a new flavor. Help us Lord to know your flavor will only be dimissed and will not taste the same if we keep changing. Help us to be content.
Amen
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Life As It Were
Well, life is interesting. The other day at church my husband decided to not shake hands with one of the elders that had hurt us the most. It was a bad move on his part, but I think it needed to be done. I think this elder needed to know that he had done things that were hurtful.
When we comfronted him it was hard because I think again he wanted to justify over and over, he wanted to come up with reasons why we should not feel the way we did. Once I laid out my feelings it was interesting to how he crumbled under it. I was so tired of justification, all I wanted was an apology, I wanted him to know what he had done was wrong and acknowledge it. I wanted him to see me. I think he did. If not I feel better because for once in this long process I felt in control, I felt I was heard. I feel the weight off my shoulders. I feel free. I feel that where God takes me is now God's thing not this elders or this churches. Now it will be interesting to see what God does. I cannot wait till that moment. :)
When we comfronted him it was hard because I think again he wanted to justify over and over, he wanted to come up with reasons why we should not feel the way we did. Once I laid out my feelings it was interesting to how he crumbled under it. I was so tired of justification, all I wanted was an apology, I wanted him to know what he had done was wrong and acknowledge it. I wanted him to see me. I think he did. If not I feel better because for once in this long process I felt in control, I felt I was heard. I feel the weight off my shoulders. I feel free. I feel that where God takes me is now God's thing not this elders or this churches. Now it will be interesting to see what God does. I cannot wait till that moment. :)
Saturday, March 27, 2004
When Life Hands You Something You Weren't Expecting
So, I found out my "spiritual mentor" commited adultery. I have had a really hard time getting through it. Its been so hard. Sometimes I feel normal. Right now I do. Then BAM it hits me, that HE, my friend, my leader, the man who had a very important role in my wedding, turned on his wedding vows. This to me just blows my mind. Now I understand that, sin is sin, I commit sin (this sounds weird) everyday. I stumble and fall everyday. I guess this is one of the BIGGES, one that you never think your freind, your spiritual mentor would do. Understand this is compounded by the fact that his wife is my mentor. She is the sweetest person I know. Her spirit is wonderful. I can't imagine why he would do this to her. Their marriage had been through so many up and downs! I just keep praying for them. Hoping one day I will hear from them. I will be able to encourage them both. So right now I'm looking at the ugliness of sin and so thankful I have a Savior who saves us from it all.
A Neat Lil' Diddy
Pull the shutters and tighten the blindfold
Turn away anyone who doesn't fit the mold
The story goes untold
Despite the righteous beliefs that you profess
You still can't cover the stain that marks your Sunday dress
No need to confess
I like this quote! I found it from a kid a work with. Its from a group he likes and right now their name isn't coming to me. I will try to remember to put it to the person's credit when I remember. :)
Blessings!
Jewels
Turn away anyone who doesn't fit the mold
The story goes untold
Despite the righteous beliefs that you profess
You still can't cover the stain that marks your Sunday dress
No need to confess
I like this quote! I found it from a kid a work with. Its from a group he likes and right now their name isn't coming to me. I will try to remember to put it to the person's credit when I remember. :)
Blessings!
Jewels
Thursday, February 26, 2004
The Passion Of Christ
O-kay, so I'm sinking to everyone else's level and mentioning this thing on my blog. I'm going tomorrow. I don't know how I feel about it. I just want to go and be left alone with it. I don't want to mull it with people. I just want to be there. That is what I did with Bruce Almighty. It was nice to just see it on my own and not have people wanting to talk to me about it. So, tomorrow night I will post something I'm sure. Not sure what I will be saying. Should be interesting! Blessings to you.
So You Aren't There
O-kay so no one is out there reading this. Well, at least I no know that I can look like an idoit and not worry! HA Oh, well, it was worth a try!
Friday, February 20, 2004
Never Mind
A rush of depression has waved over me.
I wonder sometimes why God made me this way?
Why am I so unprotectable?
Why am I always the one on the fringe,waiting?
Why do I always feel the world is turning for others and I'm standing still have to make my own world spin?
I'm the one who never really has freinds but people who just like me.
I'm the one that can get a crowd to support something but when I need the support can never get it.
I wonder why?
Why am I so, whatever I am..............................
I wonder sometimes why God made me this way?
Why am I so unprotectable?
Why am I always the one on the fringe,waiting?
Why do I always feel the world is turning for others and I'm standing still have to make my own world spin?
I'm the one who never really has freinds but people who just like me.
I'm the one that can get a crowd to support something but when I need the support can never get it.
I wonder why?
Why am I so, whatever I am..............................
Thursday, February 19, 2004
Clouded Thinking
So today nothing is really going on. I'm just hanging out here at work. Thinking and realizing I haven't been working on my "sermon" this week. I think I have let my mind become clouded. I hate it when I do that. Pray for me! :)
Blessings!
Jewels
Blessings!
Jewels
An Added Note
I wanted to commit on something. I haven't really focused on this much, but to rant and to get on my soap box. So, here it goes, for awhile I thought the whole "Emergent" thing kindof fit me. So I was singing the praises of it, but as time has gone on I have seen things that make me wiggle. I'm finding just right now in my life things that start getting commercialism and people start getting rah rah ree about it, I step back and soon I find myself, well disillusioned again. I just want "the church" (us the people) to quit playing around. Someone once said that they were about reforming and being a reformer. Well, I guess that is where I'm at if that is the label I would so dare to label myself. I want to see the church start being people church, instead of the church building. I don't know if that makes sense to people. I'm not about a philosophy, I'm not about breaking down postmodernism, or modernism, I'm about looking at our community and realizing we are in a mess. Even worse a fantasy land. We have diluted ourselves to think that if we just put on a new coat of white paint that will change our situation, or put on a new jazzy coat of paint, with some new funky lights, for this change will make things better, some of us think, and the process goes on and on. I think its time for us to get some of that stuff that strips the paint away,get some sanders, some reality and confess to God that we have missed the point. We decided to play, play with each and with Him. We locked ourselves up in our ghetto and thought if we stay there and be a shiny then we will change the world. The whole time, the only thing we have become is what we hate about the world. What is really scary is that there are people who think because they have joined this whole "Emerging"/PoMo thing, that this has changed. I hate to say it people, you've only moved to a new neighborhood in the ghetto.
I don't want to become a "complainer" of all this. I want to be a reformer, but how? How do you get this large community to see what we have become. How do I even get the small one I'm apart of to see it? I know in my head I could spout all this junk to you and I can promise you it would or might move you, but would it make a difference? I don't know. I just want to find myself in a community for once that was about being a community of Christ. Not a fly swatter for Christ, or a glossy mag cover for Christ, I want to be apart of a messy spiritual community that just wants to engage each other and the community around them. Not thinking we are better but thinking we can just help and walk along in the journey. Is that so wrong?
I think I have rambled enough for one night. Blessings to all, my faceless group of people, the people who may or may not be reading! HA Night to all.
I don't want to become a "complainer" of all this. I want to be a reformer, but how? How do you get this large community to see what we have become. How do I even get the small one I'm apart of to see it? I know in my head I could spout all this junk to you and I can promise you it would or might move you, but would it make a difference? I don't know. I just want to find myself in a community for once that was about being a community of Christ. Not a fly swatter for Christ, or a glossy mag cover for Christ, I want to be apart of a messy spiritual community that just wants to engage each other and the community around them. Not thinking we are better but thinking we can just help and walk along in the journey. Is that so wrong?
I think I have rambled enough for one night. Blessings to all, my faceless group of people, the people who may or may not be reading! HA Night to all.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Liquid Thinking
Hey everyone! :) I wanted to share a blog with you. Look for the one titled "RE:Emergent". It is awesome! It is what I have been trying to say or at least have been thinking. It is also worth to check out his first one you see on The Passion of Christ movie.
Have a good one friend. :)
Have a good one friend. :)
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
I'm Sorry, So Sorry
I have decided it is much easier to say your sorry in a letter. You don't have to look at the person in the eye or have to voice the words. Saying your sorry in a letter is much more safe. You save yourself from getting yelled at or told something horrible about yourself. So I have now decided to tell people I'm sorry only in a letter or e-mail.
O-kay so why isn't that setting well with me?
O-kay so why isn't that setting well with me?
Monday, February 16, 2004
Unity
Well, I'm working on my sermon (weird to say that) for the retreat. I'm enjoying working through this stuff.
I keep thinking that unity can be accomplished in our communites. I see it so clearly in the book of Acts with diciples. Am I just dreaming that it could happen. I don't think we can have perfect unity but I think we can have unity. So many things can happen that can stop it. Some of it is petty stuff and other things can make it truely hard to have unity. I am in a situation right now in our church that has been very hard, as I have started to study for this retreat, I feel the Lord yanking at me, asking me "how can you speak on this? you don't have unity with people who have hurt you." I keep using the excuse that they have hurt me and its healthy boundaries, but for some reason I think I have made it more than that. Yes it is healthy to have boundaries, but I also think we can use that as an excuse. So can I have good boundaries and still have unity? I would hope so. I keep thinking that if I allow myself to heal from the hurt, learn to love them as God loves them, then God will take care of the rest and unity is acheived. Maybe I'm just crazy right now. I just want to go to my church community and not feel anxiety about it. I want to be able to speak to those ladies and speak from a place of truth and peace. Anyway, please pray for me! :)
Jewels
I keep thinking that unity can be accomplished in our communites. I see it so clearly in the book of Acts with diciples. Am I just dreaming that it could happen. I don't think we can have perfect unity but I think we can have unity. So many things can happen that can stop it. Some of it is petty stuff and other things can make it truely hard to have unity. I am in a situation right now in our church that has been very hard, as I have started to study for this retreat, I feel the Lord yanking at me, asking me "how can you speak on this? you don't have unity with people who have hurt you." I keep using the excuse that they have hurt me and its healthy boundaries, but for some reason I think I have made it more than that. Yes it is healthy to have boundaries, but I also think we can use that as an excuse. So can I have good boundaries and still have unity? I would hope so. I keep thinking that if I allow myself to heal from the hurt, learn to love them as God loves them, then God will take care of the rest and unity is acheived. Maybe I'm just crazy right now. I just want to go to my church community and not feel anxiety about it. I want to be able to speak to those ladies and speak from a place of truth and peace. Anyway, please pray for me! :)
Jewels
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Great News!!!!
Well peeps I just found out the new Passion CD is out that I have been looking forward to! Look Here for it!
It looks like it will be awesome!!! :)
Oh and btw: I just learned how to use my URL thing but it isn't working yet. Boy I need help with this sucker! HA Any of you know my e-mail addy and know how to help me out let me know. :)
It looks like it will be awesome!!! :)
Oh and btw: I just learned how to use my URL thing but it isn't working yet. Boy I need help with this sucker! HA Any of you know my e-mail addy and know how to help me out let me know. :)
What Is It To Say..........
What is it to say that you are "postmodern Christian"? I mean does that mean you allow people to have their beliefs and accept them from there or does it mean to hear people out and then still let them have it when their beliefs don't align with ours.
I see a lot of people with the Emerging/postmodern Christian banner on and their actions do not support what I have come to know as Emerging/PoMo. So what is it to say that you are these things when your actions don't align with the attitude it would present. I think we have a lot of thinking to do and a lot of explaining to do.
What is it to say that you are "postmodern Christian"? I mean does that mean you allow people to have their beliefs and accept them from there or does it mean to hear people out and then still let them have it when their beliefs don't align with ours.
I see a lot of people with the Emerging/postmodern Christian banner on and their actions do not support what I have come to know as Emerging/PoMo. So what is it to say that you are these things when your actions don't align with the attitude it would present. I think we have a lot of thinking to do and a lot of explaining to do.
Evil??
I feel evil. Strange to say that but that is how I feel sometimes. Like I do things that are mean and evil, at least to myself they are. I wonder why I do those things sometimes? I'm tired of transitioning. I want some normal stuff. I'm ready to feel and be again. I don't know that I ever will. Don't get me wrong, my life is good. Today I just vegged with my husband it was great and I enjoy laughing with and loving him. We have a good life together, but I wonder what he sees in me. Does he see this bad stuff and just ignore it or does he see it and loves me besides it. I wonder...............
Please pray for me. :) I'm still preparing for this Ladies' Retreat that I know I'm less than qualified to do. I will try and share thoughts as I can. Loves to all.
I feel evil. Strange to say that but that is how I feel sometimes. Like I do things that are mean and evil, at least to myself they are. I wonder why I do those things sometimes? I'm tired of transitioning. I want some normal stuff. I'm ready to feel and be again. I don't know that I ever will. Don't get me wrong, my life is good. Today I just vegged with my husband it was great and I enjoy laughing with and loving him. We have a good life together, but I wonder what he sees in me. Does he see this bad stuff and just ignore it or does he see it and loves me besides it. I wonder...............
Please pray for me. :) I'm still preparing for this Ladies' Retreat that I know I'm less than qualified to do. I will try and share thoughts as I can. Loves to all.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Friendship
I meet with a ladie about every other 2 weeks. I really enjoy her company. I learn alot from her. Although sometimes I wonder how we even get along. We seem to look at things so differently. I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes I wonder if she gets me. HA Anyway, its nice to have a women support you and help you along the way.
I meet with a ladie about every other 2 weeks. I really enjoy her company. I learn alot from her. Although sometimes I wonder how we even get along. We seem to look at things so differently. I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes I wonder if she gets me. HA Anyway, its nice to have a women support you and help you along the way.
Monday, February 02, 2004
Church Yesterday
You know yesterday at church wasn't that bad. Although there were things that I still struggled with. Those are personal issues though and ones that I'm still working through. I will get to that in a sec. Anyway, it was nice to see people that I do care about and see they are o-kay. I have missed them. Plus it was nice to see that some people do care and miss you. Its just hard because the reason I know they like me is because I haven't rocked their boat. I just smile and go on with my stuff, in their opinion at least. Anyway, I just wanted to be in a church setting for some reason. I think as a christian we desire to be with His people or something that feeds that part of our life. At least I do. I don't know if I would be completly happy if I didn't have physical contact with other "believers".
Here is the push though. There are some people that I'm struggling with in my life. They hurt me, they hurt me good. I can't seem to let it go. I see them, pride starts welling up in me and all these thoughts. I know that I don't need to be with people like them. I'm fine with that. I think it is good to have boundaries and to know toxic people when you see them, but when does the feelings of hurt and anger go away? I'm tired of feeling this way about them. Even though I feel there are some things that need to be said between us I know that those words will never be said and I know they wouldn't admit or listen. So, there is still no closure and I'm desiring it so bad. I want healing. I keep praying to God to help me. Hopefully He will heal me. I know that all I have done on my own power with this hasn't worked.
Anyway, does any of this matter? I don't know.
You know yesterday at church wasn't that bad. Although there were things that I still struggled with. Those are personal issues though and ones that I'm still working through. I will get to that in a sec. Anyway, it was nice to see people that I do care about and see they are o-kay. I have missed them. Plus it was nice to see that some people do care and miss you. Its just hard because the reason I know they like me is because I haven't rocked their boat. I just smile and go on with my stuff, in their opinion at least. Anyway, I just wanted to be in a church setting for some reason. I think as a christian we desire to be with His people or something that feeds that part of our life. At least I do. I don't know if I would be completly happy if I didn't have physical contact with other "believers".
Here is the push though. There are some people that I'm struggling with in my life. They hurt me, they hurt me good. I can't seem to let it go. I see them, pride starts welling up in me and all these thoughts. I know that I don't need to be with people like them. I'm fine with that. I think it is good to have boundaries and to know toxic people when you see them, but when does the feelings of hurt and anger go away? I'm tired of feeling this way about them. Even though I feel there are some things that need to be said between us I know that those words will never be said and I know they wouldn't admit or listen. So, there is still no closure and I'm desiring it so bad. I want healing. I keep praying to God to help me. Hopefully He will heal me. I know that all I have done on my own power with this hasn't worked.
Anyway, does any of this matter? I don't know.
Saturday, January 31, 2004
The Truth
I do some really stupid things sometimes. My anger or my embarrassment takes over and I find myself embarrassed. :P Right now I'm really upset with something I did to a friend. I just got embarrassed about something I did and reacted in away that got them more involved. I feel really bad. I want to go back and chage it, but it was a mistake. ugh........ I want to tell them I'm sorry but I don't even know how to reveal the truth of what I did.
I'm really thinking through this stuff I'm going to speaking on. Its about "unity". In our church right now, I just don't know if that is possible. There is so much hurt going on and not enough truth. Will me sharing at a Ladies Retreat really be helpful? I don't know. I even wonder if it really safe. I mean some of the things I have to share are from my heart and some of it is ugly. I shared last night that I feel like I'm like that book,"Messy Spirtuality". That is me, my spirtuality is messy as it can get. I hurt people, I have ugly feelings, and I'm just plain weird. Its the truth, in all its ugliness. O-kay so I have been depressing lately. :P Sorry for that. Honestly, I'm doing better than what I give myself credit for. Anyway, blessings to all and have a good Sunday tomorrow.
I do some really stupid things sometimes. My anger or my embarrassment takes over and I find myself embarrassed. :P Right now I'm really upset with something I did to a friend. I just got embarrassed about something I did and reacted in away that got them more involved. I feel really bad. I want to go back and chage it, but it was a mistake. ugh........ I want to tell them I'm sorry but I don't even know how to reveal the truth of what I did.
I'm really thinking through this stuff I'm going to speaking on. Its about "unity". In our church right now, I just don't know if that is possible. There is so much hurt going on and not enough truth. Will me sharing at a Ladies Retreat really be helpful? I don't know. I even wonder if it really safe. I mean some of the things I have to share are from my heart and some of it is ugly. I shared last night that I feel like I'm like that book,"Messy Spirtuality". That is me, my spirtuality is messy as it can get. I hurt people, I have ugly feelings, and I'm just plain weird. Its the truth, in all its ugliness. O-kay so I have been depressing lately. :P Sorry for that. Honestly, I'm doing better than what I give myself credit for. Anyway, blessings to all and have a good Sunday tomorrow.
The Die Has Been Cast
Well, last night I went to the first meeting for the Ladies' Retreat. It was good. I'm praying for openness and a willingness to try things outside of comfortabilty.
To be honest I have felt a need to say "I think God is pressing me to do this." BUT I kept questioning it. I'm not a speaker. I'm not someone who leads very well. Maybe that is what God wants. I will be honest also, last night as I was sleeping God kept prodding, saying "I'm serious Julie. Are you serious? I'm not abotu playing, this is real." This scared me a bit and challanges me so much. How many times have I just played with God and just played life. There is this feeling of responsiblilty. So I ask if anyone is reading this ( I should inlist some help), please pray that I take this task on in humilty and desire to share God's heart with those women.
Well, last night I went to the first meeting for the Ladies' Retreat. It was good. I'm praying for openness and a willingness to try things outside of comfortabilty.
To be honest I have felt a need to say "I think God is pressing me to do this." BUT I kept questioning it. I'm not a speaker. I'm not someone who leads very well. Maybe that is what God wants. I will be honest also, last night as I was sleeping God kept prodding, saying "I'm serious Julie. Are you serious? I'm not abotu playing, this is real." This scared me a bit and challanges me so much. How many times have I just played with God and just played life. There is this feeling of responsiblilty. So I ask if anyone is reading this ( I should inlist some help), please pray that I take this task on in humilty and desire to share God's heart with those women.
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Point of Interest
I'm in an e-mail chat for the past month. Its been really cool. I don't know how it all came down but we found a point of interest and it has continued. I have to say it has been a streching experience. This person truly has some deep questions and doesn't want to mess around. I like that. They aren't playing and toying with God. They are stripping away all the junk. Although they may identify themselves as "Postmodern" its different. I don't know how to explain it, I see their heart for God, instead of their heart for verbalizing and being "Postmodern". Its refreshing.
One of the questions that we have been lobbing back and forth has been God's will. How do we know what God's will is? Do we let other people try and impress their will on us, all the while saying its God's will? Although for you this maybe simple, but you get someone like this person asking these questions and you soon realize, it isn't that simple. I think the best thing that has come from these e-mails is the tearing down of my masks and the tearing down of my "super spirituality". Understand I'm passionate about God, but I can easily get on my soap box and just stay there and not walk along people.
I'm glad this person found a point of interest with me. Its been awesome! :)
I'm in an e-mail chat for the past month. Its been really cool. I don't know how it all came down but we found a point of interest and it has continued. I have to say it has been a streching experience. This person truly has some deep questions and doesn't want to mess around. I like that. They aren't playing and toying with God. They are stripping away all the junk. Although they may identify themselves as "Postmodern" its different. I don't know how to explain it, I see their heart for God, instead of their heart for verbalizing and being "Postmodern". Its refreshing.
One of the questions that we have been lobbing back and forth has been God's will. How do we know what God's will is? Do we let other people try and impress their will on us, all the while saying its God's will? Although for you this maybe simple, but you get someone like this person asking these questions and you soon realize, it isn't that simple. I think the best thing that has come from these e-mails is the tearing down of my masks and the tearing down of my "super spirituality". Understand I'm passionate about God, but I can easily get on my soap box and just stay there and not walk along people.
I'm glad this person found a point of interest with me. Its been awesome! :)
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
URBANA
I dont' know if anyone reads this. I sometimes I wish I had comments so then I could smile and think "someone is listening". Anyway, this I hope someone hears. I went to the Urbana website today. I found a treasure. Its, well, its my heart beat. Sound corny, sure, but it is. anyway, let me walk you through this. Go to Urbana website, then go to Dec 29 and then hit on the stream that says Theatre: Translation. Its amazing to me. I loved it. Anyway, check it out. The second guy is well, amazing, man to me, thats the gospel!
I dont' know if anyone reads this. I sometimes I wish I had comments so then I could smile and think "someone is listening". Anyway, this I hope someone hears. I went to the Urbana website today. I found a treasure. Its, well, its my heart beat. Sound corny, sure, but it is. anyway, let me walk you through this. Go to Urbana website, then go to Dec 29 and then hit on the stream that says Theatre: Translation. Its amazing to me. I loved it. Anyway, check it out. The second guy is well, amazing, man to me, thats the gospel!
Monday, January 26, 2004
I Quit
Today I decided to quit. I decided that its time for me to lay some stuff down. I have decided to let my anger down. I don't know how I will accomplish this, but I have faith through God to help me. I have decided I'm no longer going to be defined. This brings anger in me. The only one I can trust to define me is God Himself.
I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of pretending, I'm wanting to grow and right now I am not. I am spinning in a circle over and over. Its time to be real about where I am and doing something about it.
Now I'm fearful that this is just more emotion speaking, I pray it is not. I have let myself become trap by something that isn't real and I'm afraid that I will let it continue to happen. Afraid I will let my weariness take over and become lazy. I also fear loss. Loss of myself, people, and support.
Its time to let go again. I don't know for sure if I can completly do it but I think I should. I think its time.
*turns around and looks at the playground* I wonder if it was safe the whole time and I let myself think it wasn't. *smiles* I think I will come back again sometime my friend.
Today I decided to quit. I decided that its time for me to lay some stuff down. I have decided to let my anger down. I don't know how I will accomplish this, but I have faith through God to help me. I have decided I'm no longer going to be defined. This brings anger in me. The only one I can trust to define me is God Himself.
I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of pretending, I'm wanting to grow and right now I am not. I am spinning in a circle over and over. Its time to be real about where I am and doing something about it.
Now I'm fearful that this is just more emotion speaking, I pray it is not. I have let myself become trap by something that isn't real and I'm afraid that I will let it continue to happen. Afraid I will let my weariness take over and become lazy. I also fear loss. Loss of myself, people, and support.
Its time to let go again. I don't know for sure if I can completly do it but I think I should. I think its time.
*turns around and looks at the playground* I wonder if it was safe the whole time and I let myself think it wasn't. *smiles* I think I will come back again sometime my friend.
Sunday, January 25, 2004
Anger
Well, if you could see me now. I'm sitting here sad and frustrated. I'm sitting here blushing over my frustration and out burst.
I just, well, I feel left out, I feel I'm falling behind. I keep trying to reach for that healing power..........................
One of the things that I picture in my mind is reaching out to touch Jesus' garment. I keep thinking in my mind if I could just reach that peice, just that little piece I would be o-kay. I think I'm slipping again. I'm fighting it but it is happening. I can tell by the way I have been reacting to things, such as my last post. I can see it the way I'm responding to people.
Goes to the swing, lets her mind clear, sways back and forth, higher and higher,hhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm...............I can breathe again...................smiles, I can feel the air against my face. I think I shall stay awhile longer this time.
Well, if you could see me now. I'm sitting here sad and frustrated. I'm sitting here blushing over my frustration and out burst.
I just, well, I feel left out, I feel I'm falling behind. I keep trying to reach for that healing power..........................
One of the things that I picture in my mind is reaching out to touch Jesus' garment. I keep thinking in my mind if I could just reach that peice, just that little piece I would be o-kay. I think I'm slipping again. I'm fighting it but it is happening. I can tell by the way I have been reacting to things, such as my last post. I can see it the way I'm responding to people.
Goes to the swing, lets her mind clear, sways back and forth, higher and higher,hhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm...............I can breathe again...................smiles, I can feel the air against my face. I think I shall stay awhile longer this time.
A BIG FAT RANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am NOT, NOR do I EVER want to be PoMo, NOR do I EVER want to be MoMo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate these following words:
fundie
conservative
modern
postmodern
liberal
I wish these words would take a flying leap and die!!!!!!!!!! I wish the people who used them would choke on them anytime the freakn' used these words. I'm hate the meaning that comes behind them.
You think being PoMo is so cool? You think that PoMo makes you better than anyone? Get a freakn' clue and listen up. When you put any kindof restraint on God and say "this, this Lord is the only way You can move" you have just become your own worst freakn' modern enemy!!!!!!!!! Do you honestly think that people are out there wanting to bow down to you because you have made the big plunge into PoMO!!! Come on!!! You are just as bad as those horrible moderns who follow after Colson,Dobson,_________________(fill in your own damn blank). You freakn' fall at the feet of Jay Baker,McLaren,___________________(fill in your own damn blank). Don't you see it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Open your eyes!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have missed it! You are failing!!!!! There is a world out there wanting to be reached. There is a world out there wanting to know that their lives are worth something and that there is hope. Open your eyes and see that God is saying "You are not of this world, your are living in it"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't you see God is screaming "let go of what is in your right hand, it is a lie". If you think you have found your life in PoMoism you have not, it will bit you in the ass!!!! PoMo is of this world, PoMo is the nature of the world!!!!! We are to reach to this world. We are to love the people and care for them. Yes, we should understand their thinking but not ALL people of this world are Postmodern. People wake up!!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't be blinded any more!!!!!
You are right truth is not found in our churches today. Alot of hurt and alot of shit is!!! Alot of people with their shiny happy faces on and acting as though they are christians. Its sick! BUT if you think PoMo is the answer for what is making our church communities you are wrong!!! YOU ARE DEAD WRONG
I sat in a church today and felt more of myself become more and more ailianted. I found myself stuffing my ears so I wouldn't have to hear the crap coming out of these "wise christian" men's mouths. I have so much pride in me that it isn't funny. I have so much hurt in me I don't know what to do any more. I'm sinning and hurting every day and the only way I'm surviving is in the promise of the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the only Real Truth in my life.
So take your PoMo crap and stuff it!!!! Wake up!!!!!!!!!
I am NOT, NOR do I EVER want to be PoMo, NOR do I EVER want to be MoMo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate these following words:
fundie
conservative
modern
postmodern
liberal
I wish these words would take a flying leap and die!!!!!!!!!! I wish the people who used them would choke on them anytime the freakn' used these words. I'm hate the meaning that comes behind them.
You think being PoMo is so cool? You think that PoMo makes you better than anyone? Get a freakn' clue and listen up. When you put any kindof restraint on God and say "this, this Lord is the only way You can move" you have just become your own worst freakn' modern enemy!!!!!!!!! Do you honestly think that people are out there wanting to bow down to you because you have made the big plunge into PoMO!!! Come on!!! You are just as bad as those horrible moderns who follow after Colson,Dobson,_________________(fill in your own damn blank). You freakn' fall at the feet of Jay Baker,McLaren,___________________(fill in your own damn blank). Don't you see it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Open your eyes!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have missed it! You are failing!!!!! There is a world out there wanting to be reached. There is a world out there wanting to know that their lives are worth something and that there is hope. Open your eyes and see that God is saying "You are not of this world, your are living in it"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't you see God is screaming "let go of what is in your right hand, it is a lie". If you think you have found your life in PoMoism you have not, it will bit you in the ass!!!! PoMo is of this world, PoMo is the nature of the world!!!!! We are to reach to this world. We are to love the people and care for them. Yes, we should understand their thinking but not ALL people of this world are Postmodern. People wake up!!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't be blinded any more!!!!!
You are right truth is not found in our churches today. Alot of hurt and alot of shit is!!! Alot of people with their shiny happy faces on and acting as though they are christians. Its sick! BUT if you think PoMo is the answer for what is making our church communities you are wrong!!! YOU ARE DEAD WRONG
I sat in a church today and felt more of myself become more and more ailianted. I found myself stuffing my ears so I wouldn't have to hear the crap coming out of these "wise christian" men's mouths. I have so much pride in me that it isn't funny. I have so much hurt in me I don't know what to do any more. I'm sinning and hurting every day and the only way I'm surviving is in the promise of the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the only Real Truth in my life.
So take your PoMo crap and stuff it!!!! Wake up!!!!!!!!!
Friday, January 23, 2004
LISTEN UP
O-kay so I'm wondering, have we gotten ourselves too interested in this
PoMo Good, Modern Bad
or even
Modern Good, PoMo Bad
I mean honestly, I keep hearing around me the evils of ______________(your fill in the blank) so much lately, it makes me sick. I don't want to hear it any more, unless you have a solution or you have something to bring to the table I just don't want to hear it.
O-kay so I'm wondering, have we gotten ourselves too interested in this
or even
I mean honestly, I keep hearing around me the evils of ______________(your fill in the blank) so much lately, it makes me sick. I don't want to hear it any more, unless you have a solution or you have something to bring to the table I just don't want to hear it.
Sunday, January 11, 2004
WHAT WHO ME?!?!?!?!???
Well, I just had a crazy thing happen to me last night. I have thinking and praying how I could serve the church I am in right now. Well, I have made a friend,Gillian, here that I know God has blessed me with. I had a burden to ask her about if she was going to have a another women's retreat. Well I told her what was on my mind about it.
Gillian and I meet once a week to talk about life, God, family,ect. Last night I met with her. She has been praying about the Ladies Retreat and things I told her about. To my surprise she had asked if I lead it this year with her help, then as we started talking she felt lead to ask me if I would be the SPEAKER!!!!!!!!!!! O-kay y'all now I'm scared. I don't know that I see myself as a speaker. YIKES!!! I do know that what we are wanting to talk about and do is what I have a passion for. So yeah, I think I will get my thoughts more together and I will post the topic, ect at some point. Anyway, until next time.......................
Well, I just had a crazy thing happen to me last night. I have thinking and praying how I could serve the church I am in right now. Well, I have made a friend,Gillian, here that I know God has blessed me with. I had a burden to ask her about if she was going to have a another women's retreat. Well I told her what was on my mind about it.
Gillian and I meet once a week to talk about life, God, family,ect. Last night I met with her. She has been praying about the Ladies Retreat and things I told her about. To my surprise she had asked if I lead it this year with her help, then as we started talking she felt lead to ask me if I would be the SPEAKER!!!!!!!!!!! O-kay y'all now I'm scared. I don't know that I see myself as a speaker. YIKES!!! I do know that what we are wanting to talk about and do is what I have a passion for. So yeah, I think I will get my thoughts more together and I will post the topic, ect at some point. Anyway, until next time.......................
Saturday, January 10, 2004
TO EMERGE OR NOT TO EMERGE
O-kay so I have been stewing. I have been angry. I love a website I go to. It has been awesome but lately, well, I'm just not happy. Someone said something that has been hard for me to chew on. They said something like this "you are putting too much burden on yourself and on others." I know that I put a burden on myself. but do I with others. I hope not. I try not to. This really bothers me. It isn't settling well with me. I never want anyone to feel that they have a certian thing they have to live up to. I just want them to be apart of my life and me apart of their's and grow. Maybe I have though. I don't know.
O-kay, to Emerge or not to Emerge,this statement has been going through my mind. To be PoMo, to not be PoMo. Can you even decide. I just know that I'm struggling along in some ways to survive in a church that (to me) does not function as a church. I want so badly to have community. I want so badly to feel connected to something with a greater purpose, I know, I know I am already, but man, there is nothing like being apart of a community that gets "it". That understands God's wonderful love and purpose of His people. There is no greater thing than to walk along with others, to grow, to stretch, to just get on with it. That is my deepest desire. It is a lonely place for me sometimes. Its hard. So maybe that is where the burden of others come in. I put the burden on others and maybe the ooze (the message board I got to) to feed that "monster" in me. I don't know. I don't know that it hopeless. I have found freinds that desire to look at church through a different lens, I'm just sad that I may have hurt them along the way as of late.
So I wonder, is it even worth for me to keep pondering the question of "what should the church be" if there are deeper things that I should be worried about. I wonder if all this is teaching me a lesson and if I'm willing to learn it, that even in the journey there are going to be times that my talk is going to be tested. Maybe this the time.
Then again I could just be taking this too seriously. I might should just sit back and shut up and go back to the playground. I haven't been there in awhile. It would be nice. hhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......................I can almost see the swing and the feel of the wind............................yeah I just might go.
O-kay so I have been stewing. I have been angry. I love a website I go to. It has been awesome but lately, well, I'm just not happy. Someone said something that has been hard for me to chew on. They said something like this "you are putting too much burden on yourself and on others." I know that I put a burden on myself. but do I with others. I hope not. I try not to. This really bothers me. It isn't settling well with me. I never want anyone to feel that they have a certian thing they have to live up to. I just want them to be apart of my life and me apart of their's and grow. Maybe I have though. I don't know.
O-kay, to Emerge or not to Emerge,this statement has been going through my mind. To be PoMo, to not be PoMo. Can you even decide. I just know that I'm struggling along in some ways to survive in a church that (to me) does not function as a church. I want so badly to have community. I want so badly to feel connected to something with a greater purpose, I know, I know I am already, but man, there is nothing like being apart of a community that gets "it". That understands God's wonderful love and purpose of His people. There is no greater thing than to walk along with others, to grow, to stretch, to just get on with it. That is my deepest desire. It is a lonely place for me sometimes. Its hard. So maybe that is where the burden of others come in. I put the burden on others and maybe the ooze (the message board I got to) to feed that "monster" in me. I don't know. I don't know that it hopeless. I have found freinds that desire to look at church through a different lens, I'm just sad that I may have hurt them along the way as of late.
So I wonder, is it even worth for me to keep pondering the question of "what should the church be" if there are deeper things that I should be worried about. I wonder if all this is teaching me a lesson and if I'm willing to learn it, that even in the journey there are going to be times that my talk is going to be tested. Maybe this the time.
Then again I could just be taking this too seriously. I might should just sit back and shut up and go back to the playground. I haven't been there in awhile. It would be nice. hhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......................I can almost see the swing and the feel of the wind............................yeah I just might go.
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