We Just Talked About This

About a week or so ago Ann, John, and I were talking about Christian bumper stickers. We had fun discussiong them and other things. I shared with them the bumper sticker I had on my car back home. Here is a picture of it:

I was given a hard time about it from my friend's because it looks like Calvin is flipping people off! HA

Anyway, I found a really cool blog entery from an old OOZER. And it so fits what we talked about that day and some discussion that is going around at The OOZE. Anyway, enjoy this from Be.Church.


Oh, btw: check this out! I found a really cool website I think shows there are people out there trying to do better. Cool stuff
Here is a a picture of one of things I found there:

The Newest False Gospel And The Lesson I Learned From It

NOTICE: Because I want to move on, but I want this to be read if there are ever any questions I have put this on my tool bar. I felt it necessary to have it in view in case of any questions, ect. Thanks for your time! :)


I'm going to address something. I know that you maybe reading this. You know who you are. If you are reading this, I want you to read each word carefully. I want you to see my eyes looking you squarley in the face and with the most serious face I have. I hope you can see that. I ask those who normally read my blog to indulge me. You see, I have a "friend" that has been lurking here. Instead of doing this privately, which would save me alot of heart ache, I have decided to pull the curtian on this "act". So, to my normal readers, you don't have to read this. Pass me by tonight or today, it won't hurt my feelings.
Ok, with that, again I know you might be reading this. I know what you might be saying to others about what has been said here and at other blogs. I know that your tongue must be trembling with gossip. I ask that if your tongue cannot be controled, just as it has in the past that you at least take the time and tell those you gossip to, to at least read this statement.

To Whom It May Concern:
My life and my husband's life has been revolving around you and your group for a good part of a year. There have been many reasons for this. I don't intend to get into any of them at this moment, but there is one reason I'm going to address right now. CALVINISM! Yes I said the word. Let me say this, Calvinism isn't a false gospel as you have tried to dress it up as. It is not a cult as you have tried to say. Calvinism is away of understanding the scripture, it is away of interupting the scripture, and away of understanding our God (His character). You are under a false assumption, one I'm sure only came from just hearing it from other's lips and not your own study of it. Calvinism isn't a cult. I'm not going to even begin to address this. Its just immature at best. I ask the next time you accuse anyone of speaking a false gospel or saying they are in a cult you do extensive research and not go by what you have been told. Honestly its tiresome. When are you going to start living your faith? When will the faith you have become your's? I ask this because no one's faith will get you into heaven. You think you know that, but after certian behaviors as of late I have to wonder.
Secondly, I forgive you. I forgive you all. I forgive you of the gossip. I forgive you of your ignorance. I forgive you of the hurt you and other's have indulged upon myself and my husband. I let you go. For so long I have tried to reign in all this stuff and control it. I have learned these past months I'm out of control. I can't control you or anyone. I have to let you go and I do so. I also thank you. I never knew what it felt like to be an unsaved person and being looked down upon by the "saved". I thank you because you have opened my eyes to a world I didn't know or understand. If this whole thing had not happened I would have never known how condescending we are as Christians. I have learned what pedistal I stand on and because of your behavior I learned to step off of mine. I realized I'm just a sheep among many sheep. I just happen to fully believe in the Shepherd and trust Him, but I realized because I may look like a goat or a stray sheep doesn't mean I don't know the Shepherd any less. If it weren't for you I would have never learned the deepness of that lesson. Thank you! Praise God for you! I have been wanting to know what your part in my life was and I think I now know at least a glimpse of what it was. Thank you!
So to end, may God bless you and keep you. I pray that you grow in richness of our Father! I pray that you learn from this as much as I have learned from this. I can honestly say I don't think I would be as free as I feel right now if it weren't for the damage and hurt you have caused. Praise God. Thank you for playing your part in God's plan for me. (oh, yes, you proved Calvinism to me as well)

God bless-
Jewels

You know, this might not mean anything to anyone else, but it is a step for me. Its a huge step for me. For once I don't have the mask on. I'm not hiding. I have hid for so long. For once I don't feel guilt for something that happened. I'm not looking at myself or Blake and thinking, "oh, man, why did we do that. how can we fix it." For once I know deep in my heart its not mine to fix. Its God's to fix and other's to fix as well. Its not my responsiblity. For so long I thought it was. I have been beating myself up and I realized tonight, its not mine, its the Lord's and His hands will do the rest. Praise God.

Ok, Lord, now what! ;)

Prayer Request

I can honestly say I don't want to use my blog as a plat form for "here is my prayer request", but today I abuse my blog for that.
Blake is going through a really rough time right now. He received an e-mail that basically told him that he was not "saved" and was a member of a cult. There were other things said, but what it comes down to is that it hurt Blake.
Now, being the wife to this man I find myself in the "inner circle". The thing is, Blake has this huge heart. He also knows how he can sound and the poor guy works and works on trying to work on his communication with people, but some how or another he still gets labeled things that he is fighting against. Anyway, I can't change people's mind about him, they are going to have to see it for themselves. I'm proud of my husband, he has come SO far. Like any of us, God is still working on him. He is no different in that area than any of us.
So I ask for y'all to pray for Blake. Pray that he doesn't let that e-mail get him to down and that he will still push forward in the quest of finding community. If you feel lead to pray for him I would appreciate it.
I apologize for doing this to y'all. You don't come here to read this type of stuff, but my heart is heavy right now for the one I love.

Life Is Funny

Sometimes life is really funny. Today seems like one of those days. I wonder if God put me in Canada for a sitcom. As if he and the angels gather together for the latest installment of "Jewels: Oh, What A Girl!" (named by my Grandma Knight, who undoubtly helped God come up with the idea) I have found that since moving to Canada I don't understand people like I thought I did. I have found that things I think are so simple and not a big deal that here they are turned into a big deal and not so simple. So here is the funny part or at least to me, I know that I am a drama queen, I don't deny it, I try to suppress but it rears its ugly head here and there, any way I find myself living in the land of "drama queens". See that is what I find funny. You would think being a drama queen that I would have patients to deal with others like me, but put me in a province that is full with them, good Lord, I lose all patients and all understanding. So today I'm craving for "home". I'm wanting what I "know". Its over simplistic,but right now this Southern Drama Queen would love to be around her peeps. ;)

Getting Back To It

My friend Andrew was encouraging me a while back to write some stuff. I realized that I stopped working on it yesterday. Anyway, Andrew, I'm going to go back and work on that piece we were talking about. :) And everyone else, at some point I will have a "short story" to share.

Update: What?!??!!!

My friend Al from
Desperatehouse Flies just sent me this e-mail about my post on Leonard Sweet. It looks like he was there. Very interesting.

Hey Julie!

Thanks!

Yeah, it was the one and the same, Leonard Sweet. He
was up front in being of the Methodist "tribe," and
best I could tell, that went over okay...

His first lecture was awesome (the best of the three).
His second was weird - mainly because he showed a
video of a church baptizing babies in a lake. Kind of
surreal at the Tulsa Workshop. Overall, he was
thought-provoking as you would suspect.

Take care,
Al

I hope this is encouraging for some of y'all out there. :) It was for me.

What?!?!!!

I have been looking into some church of Christ stuff lately. Every year the "mainline" churches of Christ gather together at Tulsa for the Tulsa International Soul Winning Workshop. I haven't been able to go the last several years, which is a bummer. Anyway, I was looking through the speaker list and this popped at me:

This Postmodern WorId: What Are THEY Saying About Jesus?
(Thu 4pm Pavilion)
This Postmodern World: What Are WE Saying about Jesus?
(Fri 9am Upper Expo)
This Postmodern World: What if we Said THIS about Jesus?
(Fri 3pm Pavilion)

I found this so interesting. This was a topic by Rubel Shelley, a well known c of C speaker. Then I scrolled down some more and then my mouth dropped.

Leonard Sweet


Classes by Leonard Sweet:
How To Achieve 20/20 Vision
(Thu 2pm Pavilion)
The 3 S’s of Sailing in the Spirit (Pneumanauts)
(Fri 11am Pavilion)
The 3 Most Difficult Words In The English Language
(Sat 11am Pavilion)

I'm asking a friend about this. I'm waiting to hear what he says about since I know he was there. Anyway, I will update y'all.
You can check this out yourself if you want go here

My Friend John *Edited*

My friend John expressed something I think goes well with what I shared today. This is a MUST read!

Comfortable

I was just reading another "oozer's" blog and I found an awesome post there. It again drives home the idea of what John shared and I have shared.

Prejudice Against the 'Unsaved'

C-O-M-M-U-N-I-T-Y,WHAT DO YOU HAVE????

Community. Strange word. I talk a lot about it. I dream a lot about it. I think a lot about it. I have been told how to do it, I have been shown how to do it (in some ways), I have shown how not to do it (in a lot of ways), but the thing that is lacking is having it. Community sounds cool. Community means to me a place of acceptance. It also means to me a place of growth. It can even mean to me a place of thoughts. So all this is cool, but finding it. I don't want to rush, but there is this side to me that wants community so bad, but how bad?

Today at "church" I heard a gentlemen speak. He was about a community. His community that he spoke about was one of being right, knowing who was wrong and so this meant his community had enemies. So, we need to figure out who is in and who is out. Now, he didn't sit out on the playground with the ball in his hand, with the other kid, and between the two picked their teams, no, it was more detailed than that. No, he was the "boss". We all lined up and hand in our resume to him and he asked the all important questions, which are from what he says "the RIGHT" questions and then we are to answer with the important answers which are, yes you guessed it, "the RIGHT" answers. I stood at the back of the line, I like to stand back there, I can watch everyone and see how it is going and adjust myself to that. So as I stood there I watched as he looked over resumes, smugly he would ask some questions, say a lil' joke, and then he would hone in. You could tell the ones who knew the procedures because they laughed knowingly at the smug questions and jokes. Soon you could see the communities build. The "In Community" and the "Out Community". As I got closer I could hear some of the questions and some of the jokes. I realized I was in trouble. I could hear him ask,"I see here you belonged to the Kneeling Community, hrmph, interesting.", he peered over his desk to the man,"um, yes..." Before he could finish the "boss" jumped in,"Well, I can see there is a problem already..." and soon he went into "blah, blah,the Bible says,blah,blah,now answer this, blah, blah." When the man tried to interrupt and answer the question the "boss" would quickly jump in and tell the man what his answer was. Quickly enough the resume was handed back to the man wrinkled and torn. And was quickly pointed to the "Out Community" and the boss looked at the "In Community" said some joke that they only got and they all laughed together. As I got closer I realized my resume had problems as well. I was apart of the Water Community at one time. I had already heard him say a couple of thoughts on the community I had been with previous and I got to hear the laughs of the "In Community" about them. I started to look around anxious. I realized I wasn't too far from having to hand in my resume. My palms started to feel wet and tears started to fill my eyes. I quickly thought that maybe I could erase some stuff, so I quickly started trying to erase, but then my resume started looking really dirty. Well, I knew that wouldn't work. So I thought that maybe if I put on some of the "In Community" clothing that maybe I could slide by, I saw others do it. They just did a song and dance and quickly found themselves in the "In Community". I looked ahead, one more person dismissed to the "Out Community", I didn't catch the entire joke, something about a "Joseph" someone, whoever that was the "In Community" knew to do the same smug chuckle. I looked over at who was in the "Out Community", I could see some angry faces, I could see some hurt faces and some of sheer confusion. Then the question hit me, "how bad do you want community?" I looked up and saw another person dismissed. "Is this what you want? To be under "the boss"? The people who seem to be under his "spell" seem like puppies or is that cats, I remember him saying something about one of them, anyway, is that what I want?" All the sudden I heard someone saying, "Miss, Miss, MISS!!!" I looked and realized I was standing in front of the "boss". I looked at him, I looked at the "Ins" and I looked at the "Outs". I stood there frozen. "Miss??"

I don't know how bad I want community. I don't know if I can go week after week handing in my resume, listen to the smug jokes, then the smug laughs. I don't know if I can dishonor my heritage and things I believe from that heritage to please people. I don't know that I can pretend I believe we have everything absolutely right. All I know is, I heard a sermon today and walked away feeling confused. I don't know how bad I want community. I just know at the end of the day I need it, I guess I'm starting to wonder what I have to give up to be in it.

Something Of The Light Fare

I thought this was fun:


AND

Try it out yourself go here I personally like the last one the best for me. ;)

Safely Home

Call this over simplistic Christian Ghetto art, but to me it says alot. I felt at peace when I saw this.

Get A Clue

You know something that floors me in Christian circles is this thinking that any one that causes a stir or says things we don't understand is mean, arrogant, or pushing people away. I find the people that get pushed away are ones that have fallen into this thinking that every thing has to be lined out, short, sweet and very simple. This is sad. Tragic. Its sad when knowledge is something to be feared. Its sad when knowledge is something to be labeled as arrogant.

Spiritual gifts. I'm giong to say that again, SPIRITUAL GIFTS. Should I say it again? Do you hear it people? How are we going to interact wtih this church? How are we going to dance with it church? Have we bastardized what 1 Corinthians 12:28-30 says? Church do you hear it?

28And God has appointed in the church, first apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healings, helps, administrations, various kinds of tongues.

29All are not apostles, are they? All are not prophets, are they? All are not teachers, are they? All are not workers of miracles, are they?

30All do not have gifts of healings, do they? All do not speak with tongues, do they? All do not interpret, do they?

Are we so arrogant in our individual gospel that we don't want to accept that God has endowed certian gifts, certian traits on people? I have watched someone near to me get racked over the coles lately. All over people who could not deal with what gift God gave them. They couldn't understand so they quickly went running to whom ever would listen to their baby cries and no understanding of Spiritual Gifts to only validate their baby emotions. Church, wake up! Church hear what God is saying. Its time for meat! Its time for us to be big boys and girls. Enough with running home, enough with being petty, its time Church! Its TIME!

Great Quote Of The Day, 2

From DA Carson:

Most who read these pages will want to avoid the kind of obsecuriantist 'fundamentalism' that is less concerned with fundamentals then with fences...it is a cheap zeal that reserves its passions to combat only the sins and temptations of others

Congrats!!!

Congrats are in order to: Dave and Kristi J. They are new parents to Hannah Elyse! She is so sweet. OH and a congrats to my sis, although had nothing to do with the creation of this cutie, she does have a hand in spoiling her since she is now Aunt Jamie Leigh.

Bitterness And Anger Pt. 4: Cleanse Me!

I'm crying tonight. It seems like a cleansing cry. I'm mourning. I'm mourning lost friendships, lost innocence, lost hope and victory.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and fix the damage I have made or prevent damage made by others. I guess we all would if given the chance or maybe not.

I want to be angry at the ones who have damaged me, but there is this other side that wants to love them. Wants to heal them. I know that sounds strange. Especially from what I shared a week ago. I just want to be cleansed and as I'm cleansed I want to walk outside that fountain and see those people at the other end. I want to grab their hand and begin the journey again. That is what I have been so angry about. Sure the gossip hurt, sure the bad words tossed to and fro, the mistrust, but the other side of anger is the realization that there may not be a newness, a new day in the relationship.

So tonight, Oh Lord, as I cry flow your cleansing water over me. Tonight, if only tonight, let me feel the healing river over me. And even Lord, when I wake up in the morning, pass through the fountain, I find myself in the hell I have been struggling with I want to cherish this moment. Father, place a space for this memory in my heart. The memory of hope, the memory of revival, the memory of restoration. And Father with those memories make them visions for the future as well. I love you Lord and thank you for today! Amen

Ex What?

Ok, so I recently read a post by Ryan Zondervan, he is a friend of Windblown's (Andrew). When I read it I just stopped and I can't get it off my mind. I thought I would share it here. I want to say this, and please don't jump ahead before reading what I have to say, ask yourself before reading this blog entery if you are ready to read something with an open mind, are you ready to read something from a very silent section of our church community, and are you ready to understand its time for us to listen to people like Ryan. If you can be honest in your heart and say yes then please click
here and be ready for a powerful word from our brother.

Blog of a Git!

Check out my husband's blog! He has been doing voice blogging, but today he shared his experience doing Open Air Ministry with his friend Henry. So check it out! His blog is not for the faint of heart, but he always has something to think about and challange.

Bitterness And Anger Pt 3, Coming Clean

James Orah Art

Last night I came clean to some of "those people". Although I didn't do it in such a way they felt I was attacking I told them how hurt I was by actions that had been done. I didn't ask for an apology, but it felt good to come clean in some sense. They now are in the "know" and at least cannot pretend there isn't or wasn't a problem. Its something small, but its no longer in the dark as it once was.
For me in some small was it was a release. In some ways it was one chain of this anger and bitterness coming off of me. I could have at that moment taken advantage of the moment and I admit I have thought of doing so. Instead I let a small part of my hurt and "my truth" be shown to them. To them it seemed a minor role they played and maybe in the end it was, but even the minors in this "play" need to be addressed, at least for my freedom. So I take the first real step towards some kindof healing in this "Wonderland". I feel like I'm the man in the painting. I have my white flag up and some how, maybe not running, but finding my way out of the dark.

Blessings!

Purple Is The NEW Yellow!!!

Ok, so this kindof stuff REALLY annoys me. This to me is uncreative and just plain yucky Christian Ghetto.

.
Click here for the link and you can check this out yourself.
DIESAVED

So what are your thoughts, if any? Personally, I just don't get it. I know at one time I may have thought it was cool, but now it just seems like one more marketing tool to dumb us down and make us look like idiots to the world. Why can't we just live the Christian life? Why do we have to have witness gear? I wonder if Jesus used witness gear? So my new marketing tool for Christians will now be WWJW, this stands for What Would Jesus Wear. Has a nice ring to it. I could have t-shirts, cool bracelets, hats, a book, a c.d. and so many other things. I will keep y'all updated. Oh, and I'm going to tell everyone what I think Jesus would wear and insist that Jesus would only wear those things, thus meainging we should wear those things as well. I will come up with a list and see what y'all think.

Silence

Hey everyone! I wanted you to know why I haven't been around the last couple of days. When I was down home I got a really bad allergy/sinus cold. Its cotton time down there. Anyway, since I have been home I have been battling the stupid thing. This week it turned into a painful ear infection. I'm miserable! I almost would like to be like Van Gogh:


So any prayers y'all could lift my way on that would be nice. :) I hope y'all are having a good week!

Blessings!

Quote Of The Day

My friend Al Stugeon posted this quote on his blog called "Desperate Houseflys" I have the link on the right hand side if you want to read the full context of this quote:

“I normally don’t read my Bible in public places because it always seems to attract the type of people I don’t want to talk to.”

-Randy Harris

sad but true.

My Taize Worship Experience

Yesterday I attended my first Taize Prayer and Worship service. I almost didn't go. I asked my mother-in-law (Blake's step mom) to come and she was unable to, which meant I was out of a ride since Blake had to have the car for work. I also been dealing with a cold since almost a week ago today, so my health wasn't exactly walking ready. Well, 3:00 PM rolled around I decided to put my walking shoes and go for it. What I wasn't counting on was a long walk. I think I knew how long it was in my heart, but since I'm a visual person it didn't seem that long in my mind. So off I go to St. Matthias Anglican Church. The walk also seemed hard. I almost turned around and then I thought, "this is my pre-Taize" and so I started thinking and praying as I walked along. An hour later I ended up at the church. The people there were so kind and so welcoming. It was a very small group about 10 and 3 members of the "band". In front of me were a lot of candles, icons of different natures, one being of Jesus on the cross. I sat down, very nervous, but a nice older gentlemen sat down beside me and explained what was going to happen. Soon the worship began, I was disappointed it wasn't dark in the room, it seemed the service almost called for it. Anyway, we started with the first chant called "Be Not Afraid", I thought that was fitting, because I was kindof scared to death. LOL The chant went like this: "Be not afraid, sing out for joy! Christ is risen , alleluia!" We repeated that several times. It was different for a bit, but I liked it. Following right after that we did another chant called "Sing, Praise, And Bless The Lord". I loved it. What I noticed as things went on that it followed a prayer style I had been doing called P.R.A.I.S.E. So we praised God first, someone read from Eph. 1:11-14, then we did a chant that invited God called "Come And Fill Our Hearts", then asked Him focus us more in "Our Eyes Are Turned". Next someone shared from John 14:23,25-27. And then my favorite chant we did the whole evening inviting the Holy Spirit among us "Holy Spirit Come". Then the tough part came. The part, that when we are faced to do so we just want to squirm. We had a 10 Min. Silent period. With all the icons it was fairly easy to focus and meditate, although I wish I would have had a reading that would have helped along with this as well. Very quietly they began another chant and were invited to come forward to the cross and symbolically lay our burdens down there and then light a candle as a symbol of our prayer. The first chant was very moving it was called "In God Alone", but the second one is the one that moved me off my feet. It was called "We Adore You" and the words are: "We adore you Jesus Christ, and we bless your holy name. Truly, your cross and passion bring us life and healing." I went to the cross, bent down, touched the cross, and prayed for healing. I prayed that even if tonight was the starting gate I was ok with that, I then stood up, walked over to the table of candles,and lit my candle. I never thought I would be so moved by such symbolic thing, but I was. I could "see" my prayer, it was my beacon, my visual calling out to God. How moving that was. We then did a Litany of Thanksgiving. The words that were shared were amazing and so fitting to my struggles. I felt again a sense that I was in the right place. We then did three more chants. What I liked about them was that the older gentlemen that spoke to me before held the Christ candle, as we were singing we smiled back forth acknowledging the blessing and the joy of a risen Savior.
I can't say that I had an ephiany there, but I can say felt like I had a good start again. Its funny or maybe not funny, but my walk home wasn't that hard. Matter of fact it seemed faster.
They will be having another service May 8. I'm going to try and be there. It was so encouraging and such a wonderful way to start this journey again.

Thank You

I wanted to thank those of you who posted such wonderful things for me to think on, things to encourage me with, and just things to say "I know..." I normally shut these emotions back some where, I hint about them here and there, but I needed to be real some where. Thanks guys for letting me be that and sticking around.
I'm doing a first today. I am going to a Taize Service at an Anglican Church. I have never been to one, but I am looking forward to something new. It might just be something I need. I was reading up a little bit about them and I found where it focuses on being silent with God. I think after hitting the wall again and realizing once more I have alot of work to do with God this might be something to refresh myself with. So I'm praying tonight that God uses this time as something special and as a time of renewal.
I will update y'all tomorrow about it.

Blessings-

Poughkeepsie, Arkansas

I bet not too many of you have heard of Poughkeepsie, Arkansas. This place is an important place. Its historic, at least to my family. Its historic for many reasons:

1. This location is where my Grandfather was born
2. This location is where my Grandfather brought my Grandmother right after they were married
3. The house is where my Grandfather's brother was laid out when he died. My Great Grandmother had it that way because she was too ill for her to go to a funeral home.
4. Its where a lot of my relatives live. Matter of fact it used to be called "Medlock Country".
5. My father now owns the land and the house where my Grandfather was raised and now also owns the farm where my Grandfather worked and my Great Grandfather worked. This is historic because this land has never been completely the Medlock's its always been shared in some way. It is now owned entirely by the Medlock's.

As a Preacher's Family or even a Preacher's daughter this means a lot. What I see in what I wrote is history of my family. What I see is roots. Roots for me has always been a thing that slipped my fingers. I never had a childhood friend, never had a house I could say I was raised at, and many other things. This is a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing was that I got to meet all kinds of people, I got to learn early on how to adjust to different things, but the bad, no roots. We never had planted roots.

When Blake and I went to see my family we loved seeing this land. For Blake it was interesting because of different things. For me, I saw firm planted roots. I saw land that had my ancestors thumb print. For instance, the homestead. On the front of the house there are two screen doors. They look fairly new to this tin top house. These two screen doors have letters on them. One that says "J" and the other that says "K". These initials stand for my Uncle Joe Kelly. He and my Aunt Mart (my Grandpa's sister) owned the homestead for a long time, I guess my Grandpa didn't care to have it, they put those screen doors their. This brought me back to a memory of the first time I went out there. My Uncle Joe was a diabetic, so at Thanksgiving my Aunt Mart would make a sugar-free apple pie for him. Knowing my love for apple pie he said I could have a piece of his special pie. Well, I took one bit and YUCK. I quickly looked at Uncle Joe and handed him the rest. He laughed and said, "it just doesn't taste the same." I said, "no sir" and quickly went outside with my brother Marshall and my second cousin Derek that is when the adventure started. Derek had a air b-b gun! Man, we had so much fun shooting at old tins, shooting the old outhouse, so many things. All of those memories just by seeing two letters "J" and "K". A couple others came when we went inside, I could remember exactly where the bed was that my Grandfather was born on and my Aunt Mart telling me stories. There were other things, but I also wondered as we looked around what my Grandfather was like, what my Great Grandparents were like. What did they talk about in that house. What could those old, old walls tell me. I finally felt connected to some roots, something that was firm. That old house, with its rusted tin roof, falling apart back porch, and many other things is special, its historic. Many people may go by that house and not think twice about it, but to me its better than going to see the White House or some other great historic location, to me that house shows my families roots. After so many years of going up and down the Mid-West and Deep South I have a place I can point to and say, "this is where my roots are". Not too many people have that chance.

So thanks Dad for buying that land. Thanks for digging deep for our family and having a special place for us. Thanks Marshall, Mark (my brother-in-law), and so many others who are working that land, thanks for working so hard to bring back to life something that looked dead and over grown. And thank you God for giving this to us.

Anger And Bitterness Pt. 2

Ok, I'm going to try this again.



I feel like I'm in Wonderland. Or as a song I love called "Welcome To Delaware". Things are strange here. Although there are some similar things here in this land there are things that are not. Most of the time deceiving. I remember once when a friend and I hit a rock bottom together. We fought and we fought hard. The neat thing was, is that God brought us together in such a powerful way. It was amazing. I gained so many tools during that time. I honestly thought that God had freed me of years of unforgiveness, bitterness, and anger through that time. I gained so many tools. So here I am in Wonderland with these tools, excited, because I see a situation that I know these tools will be needed. The problem? These tools don't seem to work here. They are all wrong. Even the character of God, the one I grew to know is so different. I don't know how to react. In some ways I have tried to grab old tools, tools that hinder more than help, in some ways I put a mask back on, one that I thought God and I took off together. I'm strong, I have a lot of spunk for God, but underneath it all, I'm hurt, I'm confused, I'm angry. I keep going to the alter with God, laying this Isaac down and as I'm going down the mountain it appears again. To me this Isaac (metaphor) isn't one I would think God wants me to continue to deal with. It should be one that He would laid and kept at the alter. Why keep putting it in my path? Why keep putting it square in the middle of my healing? So I have learned in my Wonderland, my Delaware, that this path of healing is different, the alter I keep going to is different and I'm not sure how to do this, I'm not sure how to,pause, I was getting ready to say "use God" in this. Wow, of everything I just typed, I think for me was the most powerful. I don't know how to "use God" in this. Wow. I think I'm going to leave that there for now.

I hope I'm not grading one y'all. I find this place to almost be my sanctuary, I used to call it "Jewels' Playground" and in a sense it still is. I hope y'all bear with me and walk this journey on this blog with me.

Blessings-
Jewels

OK, I Give Up!

I have tried to post twice now my "Bitterness And Anger PT. 2" but something won't let me publish it!

I give up!

Anger and Bitterness

I have realized how bitter I am. Not that I need to realize it, I notice it in waves. I'm fine if I can ignore the pain inside me. I'm fine if I don't see the people that caused me pain. I'm fine if I don't see how God is "blessing" them, but as soon as any of these things come to me it hits me like a brick wall. It all wells up in me. I want revenge, I want God to hold His hand against those people, I want some satisfaction, I want vindication.
I used to think God could heal me of this disease, of this bitterness and anger. I don't know any more. I used to pray "God, I'm so mean, I'm so hateful, I'm such a bitch, I'm so sorry, please forgive me. Bless those others because they deserve it more." The whole time in the dark, I'm wishing for one blessing from God, something that shows my truth in the light. My truth seems so important. My hurt seems so important. My life feels destroyed by "those people". My life seems so unimportant. My hurt to God seems to be so small. Is the truth I see, my truth, is it a lie? Have a become so blinded that the truth is I'm the mean one, I am the evil one? "Those people" are the innocent? So I am living the discipline "those people" I feel they deserve? Has God become so mad at me over this that He keeps showing me how perfect they are and how much they deserve blessings more than me? Why is that I always feel I'm at the end of God's toilet? Why is it that I look at mean, hateful people and I see blessings ever flowing from their lives, but yet, I'm the one who one day said, "its all about you Jesus, I give you may passion, I give you my life, I give you my everything" and yet what blessings do I behold? Don't surrender your life is my advice. Don't start walking in the desert, don't say "Yes Lord", don't bother. These things seem to be jokes to God some how, but yet I was taught it is the most important thing. Strive for the best, strive for excellence, strive for social status, strive for twisting the truth, strive for pew sitting, strive for hurting others and this my friend will lead you to social status in the church, this my friend will lead you to blessings from heaven, this my friend will get you noticed with God. Forget:

Better is One Day
by Matt Redman - Copyright ©

How lovely is Your dwelling place
O Lord almighty.
For my soul longs
And even faints for You.
For here my heart is satisfied,
Within Your presence.
I sing beneath the shadow of Your wings.

Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere

One thing I ask, and I would seek
To see Your beauty
To find You in the place Your glory dwells.

My heart and flesh cry out,
For You the living God,
Your Spirit is water to my soul,
I've tasted and I've seen,
Come once again to me,
I will draw near to You,
I will draw near to You.

Better is one day, Better is one day
Better is one day than thousands elsewhere
(repeat)

Don't listen to any of it. Its not true.
Ok, Jewels you say, "your just not feeling well today, things will look up in the morning", sorry while I doubt you. I am living a life of anger and bitterness with no way out soon. My life is now so consumed by it I can't see straight. When did my "better than one day" start? How has God gone to this crazy place where cute, shallow, no passion for Him is ok? Where is the God I knew 3 years ago? Can someone tell me? Can someone tell me where to look where the lyrics to "Better Is Oneday" doesn't sound like a farce. Where the song I surrendered to in ministry doesn't sound so lame?

The Heart Of Worship (1999)
When the music fades
And all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the ways things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath

I'll bring You more than just a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus

Its all about you
Jesus

I'm at a loss.

Peace.

Home Sweet Home

I'm home! :) I had a wonderful time with Blake and my family. It was so nice to be with them. It was so nice to be back in Canada. It was such a mixed ball of emotions. Wanting to be home with my family to wanting to be in Canada in my own home, in my own bed, and alone with my husband. Its funny how the word "home" changes. There will always be "down home" and then there will alway be "my home". I guess I'm growing up. ;)
I came with a friend, an unvited one really. I came home with a good ole' fashioned sinus/allergy cold. These things take your engery and your mind away. Not a fan. really wish this friend would leave my home and make a home else where! HA
Anyway, we took family picutures. Hopefully I can share them when we get them. Although I wasn't too excited about taking pics, I was excited about having some with my family that aren't wedding pictures. Also was able to get my dog nephews in one. I hope that one turned out alright.
So going what did we learn kids? Going "down home" is good, but coming "home" can be even better sometimes. :)