For awhile now I have been trying to do a post about being husband and wife. I kept messing it up and I hope I get it right this time.
When your single and you look at married couples you don't understand what it is to be married. In some ways, being a women you make it a romantic thing in your head. Then when you meet "the one" it becomes another layer, it becomes something else. The words escape me right now. You enter the honeymoon stage. Marriage is fresh and new. The body that is next to you is exciting and all the new things you are experiencing is rich. Then time passes and you wonder how you will get back to those times. But then something new blooms.
You see since I have been married I have been living in fear. I don't know what of. Maybe Blake leaving. Maybe of things being too perfect and nothing has ever been perfect for me and as soon as they seem to look perfect they fall apart. So I guess in some ways I created drama or things to be afraid of so that I wouldn't lose him. As long as there was this push and pull I knew he was there. I realized today, the sweetness of marriage. The sweetness of husband and wife.
Being husband and wife isn't some legal thing, it isn't a piece of paper, and it isn't some construct that we abide by. Husband and wife is a dance. Its having this sweet intimate dance with one person. Experiencing the richness of all that life has to offer together. If one partner holds out the dance isn't as sweet. If one looks at marriage as just something to do, they miss the beauty of the dance. If one lives in fear of the dance it becomes strained and it holds the other partner back from having the flow and the softness of the steps. Marriage isn't an individual sport, it can't be. Marriage is two people coming together, giving up some of their rights to the other so that they may dance beautifully together.
Blake, my love, I'm sorry I've held our dance back. I'm sorry you wanted to go one way, but the fear of the moving my feet kept us back. I'm ready to dance with you. I know right now the music is foreign to us and I know there is such sadness around us, but I want to take your hand again and start the gentle steps towards a life of dancing together. I know I have disappointed you along the way, but I'm ready to dream and I'm ready to dance. Will you take my hand and join me too? I love you.
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2 comments:
You've always danced beautifully, my dear.
There are tears in my eyes reading your post, and I don't even know you! God bless you as you express in honesty your struggles. This isn't the end of the hard times or of the stuggles in the dance, I am sure, but you can remember the strong place the Lord has brought you to in this stuggle, and perhaps it will encourage you the next time around!
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