Screaming And Reaching Out

I found myself screaming again Thursday night. Blake and I were talking about our church situation and he suggested that we should consider going back to GBC, but he also suggested that we could not go any where because of me. This upset me so much. We kept talking and discussing everything. We started talking or should I say I started talking about those people who I haven't been able to forgive. I became so angry and so wrapped up in the anger I found myself screaming. I realized the reason I was so angry was because God still had not settled everything. I still have not come out right. I still have not come out happy. No, I have come out bitter, angry, depressed, and enraged. I found myself back to the point where I have posted so many times. Only this time more angry and more enraged.
I'm angry at those people. I'm angry that they have gotten away with the gossip. I'm angry that one of them is in leadership at GBC, Elders know what they have done, and no punishment has been given. No, I get to sit here with all this anger and all this hurt. I'm angry that their lives go on and unchanged by it all. Yet my life has been effected in ways I cannot begin to express. Yes, I realize fully that I need to forgive them and at this point any problems I'm having is more me then them at this point. I understand that, its logical, but I'm not there. Or I guess I am, but its hard to get my heart to understand it.
Blake thinks I'm better then this. He sees the old Julie and remembers what she was like. I wish I knew what he saw and I wish I knew how to reach down inside myself to get there again. Blake is right about one thing, we are back in kindergarten, we are at square one. The thing is what do I do here? I don't know what move to make. I have tried one move and I don't know what the results will be. I have reached out to someone, it will most likely blow up in my face, I wish I could explain the fear I have in reaching out to a physical body, asking to be around someone that I'm not sure how they even perceive me now, but I have done it. I have reached out and I'm scared as hell of what the result will be. Anyway, I have stuck my arm out and I guess we will see what happens next.