Saturday, September 17, 2005
Am I Fit?
No, I don't think I'm fit. Today I find myself being hopeful. Some how thinking that I can get out of this depression and mess that I made. I'm so scared though. I'm not sure its possible for me to find a community, but Blake called me out on this as well. If I believe what I talk about then I have to more willing to look for it and not isolating myself as I have. Also by not demanding what package it must come in. Although I know I'm not fit, I'm willing to try and become something new a new fit maybe? Who knows. For some reason I feel hope right now and thought I would share with y'all.
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2 comments:
Hope is good. I have felt it too this week. A glimmer of hope, a suggestion that things could get better. But I'm so afraid to say anything to anyone, to let myself become optimistic because I still feel so fragile - like the rug could be pulled out from under me at anytime....but hope is good.
You know, I was hurt, hurt, hurt by one community of believers. I moved to another. I was not so hurt, but could not find a place in it in which to, perhaps, contribute, because they, too, were hurt people, and their refuge was an ethnic one, and I would have reinforced their hurts by contributing too much. All the time, I had this OtheR side-church that I attended which always kept me in normalcy. It was a denominational one, and I did not like the particular structure, but the people, who were avid believers, kept me sane, and appreciated my gifts as well.
Well, I eventually found a small church with both my distinctives and the zeal of that one without my distinctives. But that one in-between kept me sane.
I recommend trying the ethnic, new-CAnadian churches, sometimes, such as the Latino ones [I went to an immigrants/ one] or a Russian one, or some language that you know, and if you're in a regular English speaking one, then the stuff that has been spoiled for you because of the rampant materialism and me-ism and so on of our canadian reality will perhaps NOT be spoiled in the people who are refugees or such.
Or, you could get into, say, the local work at a Christian ministry to the homeless or unwed mothers, or such.
I really, REALLY had this experience of anger, of anger turned inward [depression]and even of worse ideas, Julie.
DO THINK CReATIVELY. God wants you somewhere. Even if you find a church, or if you go back to one somewhere, it's a great idea to find a kind of side-church to kind of help you, too, or a parachurch operation.
Or, sort of tour the churches that are evangelical just to keep your hand in.
Yes, it'd be nice if all the members of the body were just like Our Lord all the time, or even jsut a little bit like, but anyway.
Do keep your chin up, my dear. I do think that God has opened a window for you, in that, even though i enjoyed your stuff on the cuthill site, it was spread along a wide spectrum, and the blog has more capacity for your gifts. Just a thought.
Man, I never thought that other people went through similar stuff.
In keeping options open, don't forget to think outside the ethnic box or whatever other box there is.
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