E-Mails

Hey!
Some of y'all have sent me e-mails and I have rudely not answered. I'm sorry for this. It may even only compound my rudeness by doing this here and not sending a personal e-mail and I'm sorry for that. I think or hope you will understand.
I wanted y'all to know I'm sorry I have not responded to e-mails. The reason I have not is because I honestly don't even know how to respond. I'm so grateful for your kindness and your thoughts you have given. When I try to respond it comes out all wrong or sometimes I just cannot. Sometimes the stuff I'm about to say are just lies and I don't know how to type out what I'm really thinking, so to "save face" I just don't reply at all.
I have good days, I have bad days. For the most part I feel I have to put out a lot of energy just to get up in the morning. It used to only take me an hour to get ready, if even that and I find it taking me at least 2 to get ready. The energy isn't there. Other days though it is easier, but I still feel the monkey on back or the cloud over me. I find my greatest joy just being with my husband. Unfortunately I'm not finding that in God right now. I just don't know how to do that any more. Every thing I used to do just seems fake and false.
I'm still dealing with anger with people in my past. Yesterday one of their names came up in a conversation with my in-laws. I tried to hide my anger, but I think it was easy to see things are far from ok. Blake and I got in the car and I found myself verbally cutting them again. In some ways it just awakened the demons of church that are around as well.
Anyway, that is where I'm at. I'm sorry I'm not responding to y'all. Know that I'm truly thankful for them though.