Don't ASK!!!

Am I Fit?

No, I don't think I'm fit. Today I find myself being hopeful. Some how thinking that I can get out of this depression and mess that I made. I'm so scared though. I'm not sure its possible for me to find a community, but Blake called me out on this as well. If I believe what I talk about then I have to more willing to look for it and not isolating myself as I have. Also by not demanding what package it must come in. Although I know I'm not fit, I'm willing to try and become something new a new fit maybe? Who knows. For some reason I feel hope right now and thought I would share with y'all.

Must, MUST Read!!!!

I had not been to liquidthinking in awhile. I stopped by today and found two intestesting articles about a book called PyroMarketing. It is very interesting.
Here is the First Article and here is the Second Article. The first one just is a "heads up", the second one is detailed. Anyway, any thoughts? I'm going to read some more and I think I will have some thoughts later.

Screaming And Reaching Out

I found myself screaming again Thursday night. Blake and I were talking about our church situation and he suggested that we should consider going back to GBC, but he also suggested that we could not go any where because of me. This upset me so much. We kept talking and discussing everything. We started talking or should I say I started talking about those people who I haven't been able to forgive. I became so angry and so wrapped up in the anger I found myself screaming. I realized the reason I was so angry was because God still had not settled everything. I still have not come out right. I still have not come out happy. No, I have come out bitter, angry, depressed, and enraged. I found myself back to the point where I have posted so many times. Only this time more angry and more enraged.
I'm angry at those people. I'm angry that they have gotten away with the gossip. I'm angry that one of them is in leadership at GBC, Elders know what they have done, and no punishment has been given. No, I get to sit here with all this anger and all this hurt. I'm angry that their lives go on and unchanged by it all. Yet my life has been effected in ways I cannot begin to express. Yes, I realize fully that I need to forgive them and at this point any problems I'm having is more me then them at this point. I understand that, its logical, but I'm not there. Or I guess I am, but its hard to get my heart to understand it.
Blake thinks I'm better then this. He sees the old Julie and remembers what she was like. I wish I knew what he saw and I wish I knew how to reach down inside myself to get there again. Blake is right about one thing, we are back in kindergarten, we are at square one. The thing is what do I do here? I don't know what move to make. I have tried one move and I don't know what the results will be. I have reached out to someone, it will most likely blow up in my face, I wish I could explain the fear I have in reaching out to a physical body, asking to be around someone that I'm not sure how they even perceive me now, but I have done it. I have reached out and I'm scared as hell of what the result will be. Anyway, I have stuck my arm out and I guess we will see what happens next.

Thank You...

This is a picture from Al's area in Ocean Springs. For more pic or wanting updates click here.

News From My Sis

I found at last night that my sister's trip had been canceled at the last minute. She came on MSN and we talked for awhile. Different things happened and they had to cancel. She is very disappionted. In her words its been like a grieving process. She wanted to go help people and be an encouragment to the people. She is however looking for other medical teams that are forming and she has already put her name in the hat. Anyway, just thought I would let you know what was going on. :) Thanks to anyone who was praying for her. Oh, and she said thank you as well. I told her I had posted what she was doing on my blog and told her I had asked for prayers for it.

Blessings!

Word Verification

I hope it isn't too much of a pain, but I have added word verification to the comments. I'm getting tired of putting up a new post and then just seconds later there being spam there. They say this cuts it down so I'm going to try it. :)

Where Is She?

I couldn't remember what city my sister was going to be at and I recieved some stuff about her and they had it on there. For specific prayers, my sister is in Bay St. Louis, Mississippi. I hear this place is in total devestation. There ar not many houses standing. Anyway, pray for her, her teams, and others safety while there. I would and I know she would appreciated the prayers. Remember to pray for the victims/survivors. Remind people that there is a place called the Gulf Coast of Mississippi that needs just as much attention as New Orleans and encourage them to pray and help where they can to those people.

Blessings!

E-Mails

Hey!
Some of y'all have sent me e-mails and I have rudely not answered. I'm sorry for this. It may even only compound my rudeness by doing this here and not sending a personal e-mail and I'm sorry for that. I think or hope you will understand.
I wanted y'all to know I'm sorry I have not responded to e-mails. The reason I have not is because I honestly don't even know how to respond. I'm so grateful for your kindness and your thoughts you have given. When I try to respond it comes out all wrong or sometimes I just cannot. Sometimes the stuff I'm about to say are just lies and I don't know how to type out what I'm really thinking, so to "save face" I just don't reply at all.
I have good days, I have bad days. For the most part I feel I have to put out a lot of energy just to get up in the morning. It used to only take me an hour to get ready, if even that and I find it taking me at least 2 to get ready. The energy isn't there. Other days though it is easier, but I still feel the monkey on back or the cloud over me. I find my greatest joy just being with my husband. Unfortunately I'm not finding that in God right now. I just don't know how to do that any more. Every thing I used to do just seems fake and false.
I'm still dealing with anger with people in my past. Yesterday one of their names came up in a conversation with my in-laws. I tried to hide my anger, but I think it was easy to see things are far from ok. Blake and I got in the car and I found myself verbally cutting them again. In some ways it just awakened the demons of church that are around as well.
Anyway, that is where I'm at. I'm sorry I'm not responding to y'all. Know that I'm truly thankful for them though.

Prayer Request

Hey y'all. :)

My sis is heading down to Mississippi for several days to help out. She is a nurse and is going down with others to relieve other nurses. Pray for safty, peace in the middle of chaos, and pray God uses her in special ways. She is a wonderful person. I can't beleive sometimes we came out of the same gene pool. LOL Anyway, if you could pray for my sister and her team I would really appreciate it.

Blessings!

Benefit Concert

CBS,NBC,and ABC will be airing a benefit concert for the Hurricane victims.

An Update

I'm putting this update from Al here. I don't know who is getting them from him and I know there are those of you who don't know Al, but I thought I might be interested in knowing what is going on first hand.
I honestly don't know what to do. Posting these and informing people feels like I'm at least helping in some way. I feel as though maybe one person will read this and find away to help after that. Being up in Canada feels so helpless. I keep thinking if I were in Arkansas I could do more then what I have done. Anyway, if some of you are looking for away to help I hope to encourage to look into maybe helping Al or giving money to the Red Cross.
Just to let y'all know Al is a huge inspiration to me. He started the Paragould, AR Habitat For Humanity, he even got us on Oprah. ;) Anyway, he has now started on in Ocean Springs. He and Jody have lived lives of servants and he only shows it even more in this time. Anyway, here is the update from Al. Blessings!

DAILY UPDATE: Wednesday, September 7

MONEY MATTERS: Many have asked where to send checks.
Our immediate cash needs are good right now thanks to
the generosity of many. Our long-term needs will be
great, so I think it will be safe to send it to our
P.O. Box if you would like: it is P.O. Box 34, Ocean
Springs, MS 39566. Also, the Gateway Church of Christ
is coming regularly to work, and they have agreed to
transport checks earmarked for specific churches over
to the Mississippi Gulf Coast. Either option would be
good.

WORKERS: We are overwhelmed by the response to our
cries for help. We have groups scheduled to come in
over the next two weeks that would blow your mind.
There is a group of 60-70 coming from the Memorial
Road Church of Christ in Oklahoma City tomorrow night,
plus a group of 30 from Nashville Saturday morning,
plus a group of 15-20 from Huntsville this weekend to
run us out of our auditorium and give us a break in
there for the weekend. Groups from Ohio, Arkansas,
Florida, and Illinois are on their way as well, and
that’s just this weekend! I’m not in front of my “war”
chalkboard right now, so I know I am missing some. We
have met the most wonderful people in the world this
week – people from Florida, Tennessee, Arkansas, and
Alabama. It is simply overwhelming.

We are willing to farm workers out to our sister
churches and our community when we can, and we know of
around 130 workers or so that will spend the night
here Saturday night. We’ll be getting to know each
other really well! Plus, we can’t wait for the sound
of our worship service on the front lawn this Sunday
at 9:30am. Last week, we met on the highway with power
trucks rolling by and helicopters passing overhead,
watching us praise God together. I know this Sunday
will be awesome. I’ll try not to cry through my entire
sermon this week, I promise…

SUPPLIES: The supply trucks have been overwhelming. We
are so thankful. We are going to get out of the
clothing business, however, and we have had a surplus
of water for a while now. The Ocean Springs churches
have a distribution center set up downtown, and we
will be taking all the clothing donations there. They
are simply becoming a hindrance for our efforts to
serve others. That should help a lot. I’ve heard it
said that canned goods are our greatest need at
present. Our community is hungry, and canned goods go
the fastest. We have chosen to continue to serve our
hungry neighbors instead of shifting that
responsibility to someone else. Our church building
location is so obvious to those looking for help, and
we are meeting 100s of people every day. Talk about
opportunities!

THANK-YOUS: I can’t start naming names. It would be
impossible. I want to tell lots of stories, but I
would leave people out. It all began when a ministry
from South Florida showed up a week ago Tuesday at
noon, just hours after the storm had passed. Their
trucks were loaded before the storm had even passed,
and they hit the road looking for people to serve.
That was a fitting beginning. It has not stopped yet.
Thank you to everyone, for everything.

APOLOGIES: I am sure we have screwed up in 1000s of
ways. Some I have noticed. Most I have not. We are too
stressed and overwhelmed, and there is too much work
in our faces to deal with right now. Please forgive us
for anything mishandled so far, and please be prepared
to forgive us in advance for the ways we’ll fail in
the future. This is the most overwhelming thing I have
ever faced in my life. I have never been in a real war
zone, but this has to be similar. We have gone
non-stop every day, and we’ve not had time to find the
manual for how to deal with all this – so please
forgive me personally, and our congregation if we’ve
offended or insulted anyone. I can say without a doubt
– from a first-hand perspective – that we are worn out
from doing our best. As Luther once said, “Here I
stand. I can do no other.”

TODAY: We almost had a chance to catch our breath
today. Not really, but a little bit. I’ve been
sleeping in the floor in my office, and last night a
group from Nashville arrived just as I had lain down
to sleep. It was my earliest night in bed yet
(11:30pm) when they knocked on the door. These
wonderful brothers from the Harpeth Hills Church of
Christ, seven in all, are amazing people, however.
They worked the chainsaws today in Gulfport. We were
sad to see Dan, our new friend from Pensacola, move on
today. His motorcycle ran out of gas in Gautier a week
ago after dark in an attempt to get to Gulfport and
help people with his church (not a Church of Christ).
One of our members picked him up, and he was a little
scared. He has worked his tail off with us non-stop
ever since. What a wonderful person he is. He has had
Bible studies with some of our guys, and we have made
a new friend. He left today to go further in to the
devastation. He left his laundry, so he’ll have to
stop back by! The “Hammer Heads” from Mayfair Church
of Christ in Huntsville, Alabama, left today, too, but
not before putting the roof on our very tall building.
They were finished, as usual, quicker than anyone
expected, and asked if they could fix our awning and
youth house roof as well. So they did. Quickly. The
two awesome ladies from Robertsdale, Alabama, once
again dove in to work in our supply business –
tirelessly. Our friend from the Scenic Hills Church in
Pensacola is still here! He has stayed on by himself
and just busted it every single day. Oh yeah, a neat
moment happened today when a guy showed up from Mobile
with his pop-up hunting camper for use by anyone who
could use it. His wife took great pains in stocking it
with everything a family of four would need, including
teddy bears and a wonderfully sweet note. People are
so good. We had a great supper tonight. Thanks to
having to cook everything back when the power was out,
followed by the generosity of our brothers and
sisters, we have eaten well. My motto has become,
“Only the best for our homeless people!!!” Things have
settled down now. It is approaching 10:30pm. The
Nashville 7 are the only ones with us tonight, though
we’re expecting a group of 12 from Ohio to possibly
roll in tonight. Herman & Samantha Bosarge, and Gene
Logan and myself are sleeping at the building again to
let them in if they show up late.

TOMORROW: The Nashville 7 (Harpeth Hills) will make us
very happy at the crack of dawn when they load up all
the clothing mess we have up front and take it to the
distribution center downtown. They then plan to go
back to Gulfport and finish what they started today.
If the Ohio group arrives, there are two flooded
houses that we need to gut first. They will be in for
a nasty day. We’re also expecting groups in tomorrow
from Pensacola and Fairhope, Alabama. Two guys from
Russellville, Arkansas, are headed in tomorrow, too –
plus the 60-70 people from Oklahoma City on their way
in a charter bus along with a tractor-trailer full of
supplies and more!!! What a day!!!

NEEDS: We are doing awesome in terms of money,
workers, and supplies. But we’ve only just begun.
There is no single overwhelming need at present – just
more of the same.

Many people have offered places of refuge for our
folks here. To this point, we’ve had absolutely no one
interested in getting away. We are so thankful for the
offer, but our folks are rolling up their sleeves and
getting to work. Should we need to take you up on your
offer, we’ll let you know.

OUR 20 FAMILIES WHO HAVE LOST THEIR HOMES: *I took the last names out*
- Kathryn, with her husband, Al
- Bernice, a widow
- Cathy, and her teenage son, Patrick
- Shannon & Jessica
- Mike & Patti
- Herman & Samantha, with their sons, Gavin
(1st grade) and Chase (preschool)
- Tandy & Peggy
- Pike & Becky, and their son, Jarek (1st
grade)
- Ryan & Barb
- Todd & Robin, and their four children: Tyler
(teenager), Connor (3rd grade), Brynlee & Jaxon
(pre-school)
- Juan & Charlene, and their two children,
A.J (preschool) and brand new baby Sarah (2 weeks old)
- Mary Benton, plus her husband and pre-school
daughter, Mackenzie
- Dirk & Christine, and kindergarten son,
Mason
- James & Stephanie, and four teenagers
(Brittany, Matt, Joey, J.J.)
- Sam & Kelli, and pre-school daughter, Hannah
- Tracy & Shanna Havard, and three children: Freddy
(3rd grade), Tristen (1st grade), and Emily
(pre-school)
- Daniel & Ashley, and baby girl, Charley
- Eric & Amanda, and sons Travis (3rd grade)
and Gabriel (baby)
- Steve & Alia, and daughters, Jolee & Kira
(pre-school)
- Al & Jody Sturgeon, and daughters, Erica (teenager)
and Hillary (3rd grade)

OUR SISTER CONGREGATIONS: Many have asked for contact
information about our sister congregations. I’ve not
acquired numbers for all of them just yet – if you
have some, please let me know. As for now, here’s the
list:
- Long Beach (Cleveland Avenue): 228/223-9967
- Gulfport: 228/868-9267
- Pascagoula (Central): 228/324-0576
- Orange Grove: 228/861-0842
- Picayune & Bay St. Louis: 601/798-6437
- Vancleave: 228/219-0856
- Rodenberg (Biloxi):
- Division Street (Biloxi):
- Meridian Street (Moss Point):
- Eastside (Ocean Springs):
- Gautier:

OUR COMMUNITY: Ocean Springs, despite the coverage,
took hard hits from Katrina. Front Beach, East Beach,
and Belle Fountaine Beach all look like bomb
explosions. Lives have been lost, but there is no
official number that I know of. My entire area (1000
houses or so) was flooded. The city, however, is
coming back on-line a bit quicker than others. We have
power at the church.

I got to tell our newly-elected mayor that she was on
CNN after the storm. Her mother reported her as
missing, and I heard it on satellite radio. I went to
City Hall to tell her, which she found amusing. She
hoped her mother used a good picture.

The churches of Ocean Springs have secured a warehouse
to serve as a distribution center. We’re sending our
clothes there, and its available for use if we have
far too much delivered at once, but they only accept
donations from 8am – 5pm.


CONTACT INFORMATION: At the church building:
228/875-7811

MISCELLANEOUS: Please feel free to post any of this in
places/blogs that you think appropriate.

Please feel free to forward to everyone in your
address book that might be interested. The address for
your contacts to subscribe is:

OceanSpringsChurchofChristHurricane-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Thank you for your prayers and help.

We’ll be in touch every day.

Yours to count on,
Al

Stories To Focus On

I found this on TallSkinnyKiwi today. Click Here

Also my friend Al Sturgeon has opened a Yahoo Group for updates of relief efforts and various other things happening in his area. If anyone is interested post a comment and I will gladly get it to you.

Please pray for all the volunteers and all those they are serving. I heard from someone yesterday that just got back from Houston. She spent her whole weekend there and she said that the sadness and despair is so heavy there. She said at least she could get away from it and go home, but the victims cannot, as well as the "full time" volunteers. Anyway, just pray and give as you can.

No Emotions

All the politics have sucked out any emotion I had for New Orleans. I'm really frustrated with it all. There are lives that need attention and all we get to hear is who fault all this is. It would even seem it wasn't a hurricane that caused this mess it was others. No one wants to just deal with the mess they just want to point fingers and demonize whom ever seems to be a guilty party. So I almost feel I have no emotion about it any more. I have friends who have been effected and the worry I have/had for them is still there. But the over all feelings I have for this is just plain not caring. I don't want to hear the bitching and see people who are in a high stress situation put in a higher one by giving them false facts and giving their high stress opinion thought. I know this isn't a popular opinion and I'm sure I have offended at least one person saying this, but when we turn complete devastation into a political tool we have problems.

With all this there has been one ray of hope. General Honore.
This man stood up for what was right and that was the people who were devastated and those trying so hard to help the devastation. I completely respect this man and at the end of the day he is only ray of hope I have seen in such a mess. If you haven't read any thing about him here is a link to an article on him and what he is doing in New Orleans. Click Here

Anyway, I hope we get to the task at hand and focus on the lives instead of the politics and one upping. There is a time for everything, but playing the blame game isn't helping anyone.

Hurrican Pictures

These are pics from Al in Ocean Springs:
This is outside Al and Jody's church:

This is outside of his church:

This slab was a light house for another church in Ocean Springs:

This one of Al's church members seeing his house for the first time:

This is another veiw of the member's house:

Inside Al's house. He said he and Jody didn't actually think to ever put the fridge there ;):

These are volunteers in Al's area:

My Space

I have joined myspace.com. I'm not sure why! LOL I guess something different to be apart of. I saw it with some others so I thought I would join in.
Click here to join! :P I'm making it my This Isn't The Life I Signed Up For! *LIGHT EDITON* ! LOL Anyway, we shall see what it turns out being.

Blessings!

Bigger Problems

I'm reminded that my problems are so small to what is really going on. I have friends who have been effected by the hurricane. Al and Jody live in Ocean Springs, Mississippi. Which was in the line of fire of Katrina. They have lost every thing. Although there are others who are worse off then them, they still are left with not alot. Al from what I hear has been using this experience for God's glory and there is nothing more encouraging to hear that. Anyway, I just thought I would remind y'all that if you are able to help out where you can with the victims of the hurricane please do so. Matter of fact I have a college friend I have been trying to find out about as well. She is from New Orleans orginally and I only assume she is still living there because she has such strong roots there. I have to say I haven't been able to remove myself from this one, because I have faces I can close my eyes and see. Once again just like 9/11 its personal and I pray for those friends daily.

If any of you would like to support someone directly like Al or if you know Al and his family and do not have their information just e-mail me and I will gladly forward the information.

Blessings!!!

Not The Same

She watched the group of people. They were singing and swaying their hands back and forth to the music. The leader kept singing, "hallelujah to the Lamb". She watched him and she watched the people and none of it made sense to her any more. She closed her eyes and allowed her mind take her back to a time that it did. She remembered being up on that stage, just like the man and leading the singing. At the time it made sense. At the time it was right. She slowly opened her eyes and looked around, shook her head, it doesn't make sense any more. It doesn't seem right any more. I'm not the same, she slowly seemed to understand what that meant.

I'm not the same. Today we drove by our old church. The cars were packed in and apart of me longed to be in that church. Another part of me didn't. Unsafe people lie within that building. People that have knowingly turned their back to pain they have caused and still have not acknowledged it are there, leading the church even. I couldn't walk back in there.

Today while Blake we sleeping I turned on some random channel on the t.v. It ended up having some kindof CCM Festival. I watched the crowds and I watched the performers and I realized I don't understand that lifestyle any more. On top of which I realized I don't fit in that lifestyle. And it brought me back to our old church and it made me think about the church we were visiting for awhile.

I'm not the same any more. I don't know that I will ever be able to walk into a building of Christians again. The buildings for me have become like a warning signal. "DON'T ENTER!!!! DANGER DANGER!!!!" The symbol they hold is a fake reality, a small world view, a small God view, a sheltered view, a hate for community, a hate for hurt people, and the hate for honesty. Some of you shake your head and you think, "oh, not my church. not me. if you knew me..." No you see I know you. I was you. I didn't understand people who could not enter a church. I looked down upon them. Thinking they must have this horrible relationship with God, the whole time hiding the horrible one I had, thinking that if only they joined in they would be enlightened and things would change. I don't see that any more. I stand outside the mass and I see the mess. I look down at myself and I see the scars of years of my own denial, but others denial as well.

So now I'm out here. I look around. I long to be in, but knowing if I do I die. I don't know too many people who understand what it is like to try to enter back in and when others realize you aren't the same the second rejection does to you. I had that situation. And although it was not the visiting church, it was too closely tied to what had happened. I haven't been able to get myself to go back there since. When I think about them, I think about the message that was told from the pulpit or I think about the person who kept harping and telling my husband to change.

Right now I just need a community to walk into and just be ok. That my husband is ok. Where he is not judged as a smarty pants and needs to be cornered and shutup until he fits their standards. Where I can cry about the hurt of my words being tangled and mangled for someone's gain. Where I'm not some "hot property" to add to someone's community, but as a soul who is on the journey, looking for other souls who are there as well. Where the gossip doesn't exist and the history of its pain is not there. I want to sit in a community and see something real. Not the fake "Sunday smile". I can't take that smile. Where I can say that I have struggled to even bother to read the bible and even try to speak a prayer is ok. To look into someone's eyes and see that they understand that pain, that frustration, and that journey. A community where the words, "well, the bible says so" or "what does the bible say" does not exist. The raping of the bible is frowned upon, but honest looking into God's word is taken seriously and no one is looking to behold the ultimate truth, but just wanting to behold The Truth (for those who don't understand that, then I suggest move on from this post). Where all voices are welcome. Not the voices of some, but all the deep readers, the shallow thinkers, the dreamers, the logical, the illogical, and so many more come together and form the a journey, a journey towards Christ.

I don't think that community exists. Its what I want. Its what I need and I know others need it as well. I have been shown, at least in "my world", that people don't want it to exist. They want to be kept in their huddles. The thing is I heard the "break" and I have broken out of the huddle. I've been out of it for a long time and I'm still wondering where the play is going to be made. I have my hands ready for the ball, I have my ears open for the call, and to be honest I'm wondering if I just misheard. I feel as though I was awoken from a good dream and I look around me and what I thought I was being called to was some big mistake. I don't know who God is. Y'all I can't even begin to tell you any more what he wants or where he is going. To be honest, I'm just another "dork" waiting. I don't behold all answers of God like I used to think I did. All I hold any more are questions and anger. That is it. That is all I've got, period. Nice, huh? Boy and you thought this build up was to something. Nope, it wasn't. Its just to here and this is where I'm at. Ugly isn't it? Lonely too. I even have realized I have taken some steps back, because when you have friends telling you, "man can you tell me before hand if I get on your bad side?" you know things are pretty bad. At this point I don't know what else to be. Everything else didn't work. Faking it till I made it failed. Being real, well that got me and my husband booted. Heck, speaking it out loud into reality hasn't helped either.

I'm not the same any more. I'm different. I'm not fit. I'm far gone. And what does all that mean? All I know is, I'm outside the mess. You figure everything else out from there.