The Passion Of Christ

O-kay, so I'm sinking to everyone else's level and mentioning this thing on my blog. I'm going tomorrow. I don't know how I feel about it. I just want to go and be left alone with it. I don't want to mull it with people. I just want to be there. That is what I did with Bruce Almighty. It was nice to just see it on my own and not have people wanting to talk to me about it. So, tomorrow night I will post something I'm sure. Not sure what I will be saying. Should be interesting! Blessings to you.

So You Aren't There

O-kay so no one is out there reading this. Well, at least I no know that I can look like an idoit and not worry! HA Oh, well, it was worth a try!

Never Mind

A rush of depression has waved over me.
I wonder sometimes why God made me this way?
Why am I so unprotectable?
Why am I always the one on the fringe,waiting?
Why do I always feel the world is turning for others and I'm standing still have to make my own world spin?
I'm the one who never really has freinds but people who just like me.
I'm the one that can get a crowd to support something but when I need the support can never get it.
I wonder why?
Why am I so, whatever I am..............................

Clouded Thinking

So today nothing is really going on. I'm just hanging out here at work. Thinking and realizing I haven't been working on my "sermon" this week. I think I have let my mind become clouded. I hate it when I do that. Pray for me! :)

Blessings!
Jewels

An Added Note

I wanted to commit on something. I haven't really focused on this much, but to rant and to get on my soap box. So, here it goes, for awhile I thought the whole "Emergent" thing kindof fit me. So I was singing the praises of it, but as time has gone on I have seen things that make me wiggle. I'm finding just right now in my life things that start getting commercialism and people start getting rah rah ree about it, I step back and soon I find myself, well disillusioned again. I just want "the church" (us the people) to quit playing around. Someone once said that they were about reforming and being a reformer. Well, I guess that is where I'm at if that is the label I would so dare to label myself. I want to see the church start being people church, instead of the church building. I don't know if that makes sense to people. I'm not about a philosophy, I'm not about breaking down postmodernism, or modernism, I'm about looking at our community and realizing we are in a mess. Even worse a fantasy land. We have diluted ourselves to think that if we just put on a new coat of white paint that will change our situation, or put on a new jazzy coat of paint, with some new funky lights, for this change will make things better, some of us think, and the process goes on and on. I think its time for us to get some of that stuff that strips the paint away,get some sanders, some reality and confess to God that we have missed the point. We decided to play, play with each and with Him. We locked ourselves up in our ghetto and thought if we stay there and be a shiny then we will change the world. The whole time, the only thing we have become is what we hate about the world. What is really scary is that there are people who think because they have joined this whole "Emerging"/PoMo thing, that this has changed. I hate to say it people, you've only moved to a new neighborhood in the ghetto.

I don't want to become a "complainer" of all this. I want to be a reformer, but how? How do you get this large community to see what we have become. How do I even get the small one I'm apart of to see it? I know in my head I could spout all this junk to you and I can promise you it would or might move you, but would it make a difference? I don't know. I just want to find myself in a community for once that was about being a community of Christ. Not a fly swatter for Christ, or a glossy mag cover for Christ, I want to be apart of a messy spiritual community that just wants to engage each other and the community around them. Not thinking we are better but thinking we can just help and walk along in the journey. Is that so wrong?

I think I have rambled enough for one night. Blessings to all, my faceless group of people, the people who may or may not be reading! HA Night to all.

Liquid Thinking

Hey everyone! :) I wanted to share a blog with you. Look for the one titled "RE:Emergent". It is awesome! It is what I have been trying to say or at least have been thinking. It is also worth to check out his first one you see on The Passion of Christ movie.

Have a good one friend. :)

I'm Sorry, So Sorry

I have decided it is much easier to say your sorry in a letter. You don't have to look at the person in the eye or have to voice the words. Saying your sorry in a letter is much more safe. You save yourself from getting yelled at or told something horrible about yourself. So I have now decided to tell people I'm sorry only in a letter or e-mail.

O-kay so why isn't that setting well with me?

Unity

Well, I'm working on my sermon (weird to say that) for the retreat. I'm enjoying working through this stuff.

I keep thinking that unity can be accomplished in our communites. I see it so clearly in the book of Acts with diciples. Am I just dreaming that it could happen. I don't think we can have perfect unity but I think we can have unity. So many things can happen that can stop it. Some of it is petty stuff and other things can make it truely hard to have unity. I am in a situation right now in our church that has been very hard, as I have started to study for this retreat, I feel the Lord yanking at me, asking me "how can you speak on this? you don't have unity with people who have hurt you." I keep using the excuse that they have hurt me and its healthy boundaries, but for some reason I think I have made it more than that. Yes it is healthy to have boundaries, but I also think we can use that as an excuse. So can I have good boundaries and still have unity? I would hope so. I keep thinking that if I allow myself to heal from the hurt, learn to love them as God loves them, then God will take care of the rest and unity is acheived. Maybe I'm just crazy right now. I just want to go to my church community and not feel anxiety about it. I want to be able to speak to those ladies and speak from a place of truth and peace. Anyway, please pray for me! :)

Jewels

Great News!!!!

Well peeps I just found out the new Passion CD is out that I have been looking forward to! Look Here for it!

It looks like it will be awesome!!! :)

Oh and btw: I just learned how to use my URL thing but it isn't working yet. Boy I need help with this sucker! HA Any of you know my e-mail addy and know how to help me out let me know. :)

What Is It To Say..........

What is it to say that you are "postmodern Christian"? I mean does that mean you allow people to have their beliefs and accept them from there or does it mean to hear people out and then still let them have it when their beliefs don't align with ours.

I see a lot of people with the Emerging/postmodern Christian banner on and their actions do not support what I have come to know as Emerging/PoMo. So what is it to say that you are these things when your actions don't align with the attitude it would present. I think we have a lot of thinking to do and a lot of explaining to do.

Evil??

I feel evil. Strange to say that but that is how I feel sometimes. Like I do things that are mean and evil, at least to myself they are. I wonder why I do those things sometimes? I'm tired of transitioning. I want some normal stuff. I'm ready to feel and be again. I don't know that I ever will. Don't get me wrong, my life is good. Today I just vegged with my husband it was great and I enjoy laughing with and loving him. We have a good life together, but I wonder what he sees in me. Does he see this bad stuff and just ignore it or does he see it and loves me besides it. I wonder...............

Please pray for me. :) I'm still preparing for this Ladies' Retreat that I know I'm less than qualified to do. I will try and share thoughts as I can. Loves to all.

Friendship

I meet with a ladie about every other 2 weeks. I really enjoy her company. I learn alot from her. Although sometimes I wonder how we even get along. We seem to look at things so differently. I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes I wonder if she gets me. HA Anyway, its nice to have a women support you and help you along the way.

Church Yesterday

You know yesterday at church wasn't that bad. Although there were things that I still struggled with. Those are personal issues though and ones that I'm still working through. I will get to that in a sec. Anyway, it was nice to see people that I do care about and see they are o-kay. I have missed them. Plus it was nice to see that some people do care and miss you. Its just hard because the reason I know they like me is because I haven't rocked their boat. I just smile and go on with my stuff, in their opinion at least. Anyway, I just wanted to be in a church setting for some reason. I think as a christian we desire to be with His people or something that feeds that part of our life. At least I do. I don't know if I would be completly happy if I didn't have physical contact with other "believers".

Here is the push though. There are some people that I'm struggling with in my life. They hurt me, they hurt me good. I can't seem to let it go. I see them, pride starts welling up in me and all these thoughts. I know that I don't need to be with people like them. I'm fine with that. I think it is good to have boundaries and to know toxic people when you see them, but when does the feelings of hurt and anger go away? I'm tired of feeling this way about them. Even though I feel there are some things that need to be said between us I know that those words will never be said and I know they wouldn't admit or listen. So, there is still no closure and I'm desiring it so bad. I want healing. I keep praying to God to help me. Hopefully He will heal me. I know that all I have done on my own power with this hasn't worked.

Anyway, does any of this matter? I don't know.

?????

How do you get through life being slow and just plain ignorant? I mean I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but man I work with some really dull ones. :P

Sorry for that just felt like it needed to be said.