I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I've been thinking it over a lot. I have some things I have thought about talking about here. I'll probably get back to it when its right. Right now I feel something is holding me back.
There is something I do want to respond to and when I'm ready I'll put it here. I'm just rolling a lot of thoughts in my head about how I want to blog here.
You, I guess of all people would understand I'm trying to bridge a lot of my life together. I don't feel comfortable in posting about that.
I am reading Spencer's book he sent us. Spencer from theOOZE sent all of us mods his newest book. In reading it, it has brought up some things for me. So I will probably blog about that as well.
I know that is SO vague. HA Just life is interesting right now. Its an adjustment and I'm just not sure how to blog about it and feel safe at the same time.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
How Do You?
How do you do this? I'm not sure how. I know Blake has posted at his blog. Yes, it is true we are seperated and will be getting a divorce. I almost want to vomit has I say that. Tears stream down my face.
There are so many things you want to say. One thing I want to say is sorry. I've said it to Blake, but you also feel the need to apologize to those that are your friends and those who counted on you. And sorry to God for failing him.
I don't want to get into details either, but to say that Blake and I are both going through our own hell in this. We both still love and respect one another. We both still love God and both want the best for one another.
Leaving Blake, coming home was the hardest thing I've ever done. The day he dropped me of I wanted so badly to run up to the van and tell him to just take me home with him. I still at times want to do that. But I also know that to hold onto him, to continue to hurt him and hold his life back is and was wrong.
I punish myself a lot lately. I feel I've failed so many people, but the worst of all is thinking about my "blue eyes" and knowing I failed him. All of this is a process, I know. I'm just still grieving. I'm still trying to give myself grace.
I ask that you pray for us.
I guess I'll post later, but right now this is too hard. Thank you to those who have posted here and have e-mailed me. I know I haven't responded, but thank you!
Jules!
There are so many things you want to say. One thing I want to say is sorry. I've said it to Blake, but you also feel the need to apologize to those that are your friends and those who counted on you. And sorry to God for failing him.
I don't want to get into details either, but to say that Blake and I are both going through our own hell in this. We both still love and respect one another. We both still love God and both want the best for one another.
Leaving Blake, coming home was the hardest thing I've ever done. The day he dropped me of I wanted so badly to run up to the van and tell him to just take me home with him. I still at times want to do that. But I also know that to hold onto him, to continue to hurt him and hold his life back is and was wrong.
I punish myself a lot lately. I feel I've failed so many people, but the worst of all is thinking about my "blue eyes" and knowing I failed him. All of this is a process, I know. I'm just still grieving. I'm still trying to give myself grace.
I ask that you pray for us.
I guess I'll post later, but right now this is too hard. Thank you to those who have posted here and have e-mailed me. I know I haven't responded, but thank you!
Jules!
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