Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Tired
I'm tired. I'm tired of fakeness of faith. I'm tired of the fakeness of Christian living. I'm just tired.I don't see God in any of the shit Christians and their institutions try to blow at us. And the thing is, I used to be that. So I'm even tired of myself. I'm tired of the crap I have given people and looking at being embarrassed.I'm tired of battling and fighting. I'm tired of not having a place. I'm tired of ranting. I'm tired of whatever life this is I'm living.I'm tired of pretending we have the answers. I'm tired of knowing I don't have the answers. I'm just tired.I am not the same person I was last last year and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of others having power of me. I'm tired of running from the past and I'm tired of running from my future. I'm tired of hearing people spill out a bunch of crap about how God is great does stuff in their lives as if He is some supernatural giver and the God of the easy life. I'm tired of the God I have had to live with lately. He keeps taking me to places I can't handle any more. I'm tired of being the person in the corner scoffing Christianity and throwing the stones at the institutions. I'm tired of realizing I can't go back to that life.I'm just tired. what does that say about my faith? nothing, but I'm tired. I'm ready to find some people with some kindof substance to their faith instead of some crazy protection layer to their faith.
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5 comments:
wow, if i've not been in this spot myself for a while. i'm tired of explaing myself to other Christians. You tired of that one too? i'm tired of the self righteous that wouldn't pay attention to your post because you said shit early on. tired of it.
what i am not tired of is sharing a kinship with you and others like you and myself. the tiredness is only season...
You DO sound a bit weary, for sure, Jules.
Weary, weary, weary.
I'd feel worse about it if you were weary of the good stuff.
Sounds to me that you're weary of the stuff that's purported to be good, and is not.
So, that's not entirely bad. Is it?
Sorry you're feeling down, though, all the same!
Do trust you have a nice day, Jules.
God's in His heaven doesn't necessarily mean that everything's all right with the world.
Sin entered, and death by sin, and so death passed upon all men, for all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.
The effect there is quite, quite interesting, if devastating, because the sin aspect means things have gone wrong.
We tend to try to limit that 'things gone wrong' aspect to the non-Christian world, or the not-yet-Christian world, but, since Satan is able to deceive, almost, the elect, you can bet there's a lot of misbelief and evil stuff that creeps insiduously into the Christian fold.
So, don't be surprised if the people who are purported to be 'good' don't act that way, in some cases.
Some people do that because they've been misinformed about a given person. Someone might have passed along inaccurate information.
That's not such a bad case, because those people might at a certain point change and reverse their stance and actions. Have seen it happen.
Some people do that because they're living in a small world, and only know the definitions, culturally and otherwise, from that small world. They will improve if they become less parochial. Sometimes, even if you have the same view as they do, they won't recognize it unless it's in their own specific vocabulary. Or, if you have a different one, they might think it is the same as their own. That kind of problem.
Another problem is that of carnality. Some people, though regular in church attendance, do not have a real spiritual life. You may find that people give them credit for one, but it may be based upon the fact that they are, perhaps, related to someone who was a founder of a local church, or to someone very spiritual, and people around them make assumptions, based on that. And they are street-wise about the local situation, so seem to fit in. This sometimes changes with a spiritual awakening of some type. You have to pray for these various individuals.
Here is my stance, right now, with regard to individuals who have wronged me -- if I have not been the doer of the wrong, however uncomfortable things might be [and my, they can be AWFULLY uncomfortable], I don't get after myself. If I didn't do wrong, I don't run around blaming myself. It's their problem.
I think that I should pray for those individuals, because there are needs in their lives, and so on, that are not as yet addressed.
The world is changing, Jules, and maybe pretty soon, things are going to be so different that it'll be very difficult to have a false faith. You know, if we get a pandemic of the bird flu, people will think less about what kind and fashion of people they like or dislike, and a lot of people will show their true colours. Some will start being MORE Christian, and others will drop the stance, if that's what they are not, eh?
I read Mrs. Wurmbrandt's book of when she was in prison for Christ under the Communists, and it was an entire surprise to her WHO, exactly, were the wonderful people in her life in that prison.
Yeah, and sure, we all look at ourselves to see where we might improve, but I think you've already done that, or you would not have felt so wounded, eh?
Sorry to blether on, but I do feel concern about you, not having met you, since there is a social problem at times amongst our Christian brothers and sisters.
I am older, a woman, and sometimes do a parental thing, not in terms of knowing you, but in terms of being concerned about you, since that was done with me when I was younger and ran into problems in the Church.
I'm in, but I suffer from less illusions and so on.
Do pray for the people who despitefully use you or anyone else and so on, eh?
Dear Jules, you must take care and have a lovely weekend. Just pray for those folks.
Very best wishes for this season, and for the coming New Year, that it may be a totally blessed one, Jules.
Anonymous, as above
Jules -- I just saw a logical, but often-forgot thought. It meant something to me, so, I hope, to you, as well.
"God loves you just as much when things are going wrong as when they are going right."
While this is true, it is not always the first thought that strikes us.
Anonymous
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