Mockingbird

I'm so excited, found out that Derek Webb is coming out with a new cd on Dec. 26! Yippee!!! If you want to hear some tracks just click here.

Because Of You

Just wanted to put this up here for me. LOL Wanted to be able to read the lyrics. :P

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of youI learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurtBecause of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of youI'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of youI learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cryIn the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of youI am afraid
Because of you
Because of you

Pic For A Special Fairy

Here my sweet fairy enjoy the pic. ;)

For everyone else, this is a pic of me. Its from the ShokWalking Tour last year and Blake kicked our butt at poker. :) I decided to summon the spirit of Phil "Unabomber" Laak. Y'all figure out who is who. ;)

Tired

I'm tired. I'm tired of fakeness of faith. I'm tired of the fakeness of Christian living. I'm just tired.I don't see God in any of the shit Christians and their institutions try to blow at us. And the thing is, I used to be that. So I'm even tired of myself. I'm tired of the crap I have given people and looking at being embarrassed.I'm tired of battling and fighting. I'm tired of not having a place. I'm tired of ranting. I'm tired of whatever life this is I'm living.I'm tired of pretending we have the answers. I'm tired of knowing I don't have the answers. I'm just tired.I am not the same person I was last last year and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of others having power of me. I'm tired of running from the past and I'm tired of running from my future. I'm tired of hearing people spill out a bunch of crap about how God is great does stuff in their lives as if He is some supernatural giver and the God of the easy life. I'm tired of the God I have had to live with lately. He keeps taking me to places I can't handle any more. I'm tired of being the person in the corner scoffing Christianity and throwing the stones at the institutions. I'm tired of realizing I can't go back to that life.I'm just tired. what does that say about my faith? nothing, but I'm tired. I'm ready to find some people with some kindof substance to their faith instead of some crazy protection layer to their faith.

They

Sorry, thought I would share one more song. :P

They

by Jem

Who made up all the rules
We follow them like fools
Believe them to be true
Don't care to think them through
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
And it's ironic too
Coz what we tend to do
Is act on what they say
And then it is that way
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
Know all this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
Know all this
Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
That ignorance is bliss
Who are they
And where are they
And how do they
Know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
That ignorance is bliss
And who are they
And where are they
And how can they
Know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

Let It Ring

A friend of mine, Eli, gave me this song. It kicks butt! But it also says so much that I want to say.

Let It Ring

by Amy Ray (Indago Girls)

When you march stand up straight.
When you fill the world with hate
Step in time with your kind and
Let it ring

When you speak against me
Would you bring your family
Say it loud pass it down and
Let it ring

Let it ring to Jesus ‘cause he sure’d be proud of you
You made fear an institution and it got the best of you
Let it ring in the name of the one that set you free
Let it ring

As I wander through this valley
In the shadow of my doubting
I will not be discounted
So let it ring

You can cite the need for wars
Call us infidels or whores
Either way we’ll be your neighbor
So let it ring

Let it ring
in the name of the man that set you free
Let it ring

And the strife will make me stronger
As my maker leads me onward
I’ll be marching in that number
So let it ring

I’m gonna let it ring to Jesus
Cause I know he loves me too
And I get down on my knees and I pray the same as you
Let it ring, let it ring
‘Cause one day we’ll all be free
Let it ring

Ballad In Red

I may have posted this before, but who cares. LOL It fits today.

ballad in plain red(words and music by derek webb)

i’m robbing peter, i’m paying paul
i’m changing my name back to saul
i got to them and you know i’ll get to you
i’m turning shepherds into sheep
and leaders into celebritiesit’s holy sabotage, just look around you

‘cause everything’s for sale in the 21st century
and the check is in the mail from the 21st century
don’t want the song i want a jingle
i love you Lord but don’t hear a single
and the truth is nearly impossible to rhyme
but i know the songs with all the hooksand i know some lies that will sell some books
so grab ‘em fast, i’m running outta time
just keep selling truth in candy barson billboards and backs of cars
truth without context, my favorite of all my crimes

what works verses what's right
hey what's the difference tonight?
take out the sign, forget the meal
we’ve got a gym and a farris wheel
i swear it's just like the country club down the block
‘cause you can make your life look good
you can do what Jesus would
but you’d be surprised what you can do with a hard heart

i think you’ve got trouble in the 21st century
so welcome to the struggle, it’s the 21st century
i never thought i’d make it to the 21st century
Lord, i love the 21st centuryi write these words from the grave
‘cause it’s the only place that i’m safe
and only the dead are permitted to speak the truth

Thoughts

I have to say, y'all are funny. I love the comments on the PEZ thing. I was apart of a internet version of Big Brother at Marcellas Reynold's site. Its called Big Sister. So one of the challanges was to draw a PEZ pic of ourselves. So that PEZ you see is me. ;) LOL I ended up having to quit the game when I accidently looked at some Diary Room. It was a hard decision to make because no one had a way of knowing what I had done, but I decided to play a fair game and to practice what I preach I should quit. So anyway, it was fun while it lasted. Come to find out I was everyone's choice to win. LOL I was kindof proud to find that out. So, now you know what the PEZ was about.
On the flip side of that, there was a guy at the site who liked my play (I guess). Anyway, he thought I got a raw deal. :P It was up for me to come back, but long story short, someone put the kabosh on that. So, he has now started a game as well and has asked me to become apart of it as well. If you interested in watching what happens there go here.

NOW FOR SOMETHING SERIOUS! THIS IS A WARNING IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING UGLY AND MY FEELING ON IT PLEASE DO NOT READ! IF YOU ARE GOING TO USE THIS POST TO ABUSE ME, ABUSE MY WORDS AND MY FEELINGS I ASK TO STOP READING ANY FURTHER! THANK YOU!

Anyway, I will soon share some other things on my mind. I'm trying to get back to doing this every day, but its just hard. Since I know that my blog is being linked to people I think that are abusive I don't want to post stuff that will allow them to abuse more or to even be apart of my journey. If I knew that they would honor my request I think there would be apart of me that would let go, but because they are so abusive and all their actions in the name of good Christian practice or in the name of God make me sick. So I feel that if I don't post here then I still have control over one part of my life. So for once I'm going to pubicly say, if you come here from Shawn Cuthill's site I'm sorry, I don't want you here. And if you are Shawn Cuthill, I want you to stay away from here. If you endorse behavior that ignores people, ignores who people truely are, ignore people trying to live an HONEST life, who have no desire to leave or think outside of the structure of the modern church I don't want you here. This place is a sancturary for those of us who are tired, for those of us who see past lies and the false living.
I have forgiven you Shawn, but you are a dangerous person and until you are able to acknowledge your abusive behavior and your wrong doing pubicly, I don't want any thing to do with you. You have used and abused at your website. You lie there. You pretend to be camac and have used that "name" to do abusive things. You have not allowed yourself to be held accountable to your actions but force others to be held to your strange and abusive moral code. Although it has hurt me and my husband, I forgive you. I really do. But I will not pretend what you did was right and I will not pretend that everything is ok with you. They aren't, but I forgive you because I need to do it for myself, not anyone else.
I'm sorry if I have offended anyone in saying this. I have been living in silence for awhile now and I needed to say it. I needed to get it out. I'm tired of dancing around, I'm tired of pretending, and I'm tired of the power I have allowed the silence me and I'm tired of the power I have allowed by not saying outloud that people are forgiven. If I have offended you, I am sorry, if this makes you uncomfortable, I'm not sorry for that. I have been uncomfortable for a long time now and its time it stopped. I'm willing to deal with things privatly, but this will be my last post on this subject publicly. I have also made comments unavailable here. And I will delete any comments that refer to this in other parts of my blog.

Thank you!

Pic