Broken Hearted

What do you do when your heart has finally just broken into pieces and you look at God and you wonder....

God, when do I feel the pride of feeling as though I'm winning, that all the things I brought to you were worth EVERYTHING. That for once I laid my head down, because I was so tired and I wake up and what have you done? Why me, why this life? Why now? GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where did you go? I look at what I thought were your feet and its trash bags and what I thought was your thrown is a dumpster. What did you have me wake up to? I look to my right and my enemy is living in the green pastor, safe from harm, safe from the bad things. I look to my left and my friend, is so blessed. They have the love they wanted, they have the security you promised. I look dead center and Lord, what have I awoken to? What is this place? Why didn't you place me on the left or why didn't you place me in the right? Why here? This isn't the life I signed up for.

So I sit here with my heart broken, torn, and I'm lost. I wonder if my life will be the same or if it will be some strange life outside of what I was told I deserved in "church". I'm sure to my enemy and my friend I look shameful and they would be right I feel shameful. At the same time I feel pride. I feel honored in my hell. I just wonder, will God stop for a moment and notice me? Will he stop for a moment and give me the blessing? Or will my life continue to be the one I didn't sign up for? OR can I stop the madness, take the merry-go-round and turn it another way? I think I might. I'm tired of spinning.