That seems to be the question. Why am I not posting like I used to? What is going on in my head?
Well...not a lot or nothing I feel "safe" to share. Meaning, there are something that I feel best for me to keep in my lil' head. ;)
So, I don't know what to say to y'all. I'm sorry that I have kindof "died out". It was never my intention. Sometimes you look at life and you see it changing before your eyes and you don't know how to react or not react. For me, in some ways I have shut down. I have a closed sign on me and I'm actually ok with it. I have some people in my life that right now need to be and I allow them through the door way and we deal with what is going on in my head and my heart. I don't mean to push any of you away, but honestly, I don't know what else to do. I can't give you anything. I can't give you some great insight. Nor can I promise to even help you on your journey. And I will not pretend I'm wanting to hear anyone give me insight into mine. I'm just here. I don't know what "here" is, but I am.
The thing is, I am disappointed. And how many times can I post on that? I'm frustrated. How many times can I post on that? I'm disillusioned. Again, how many times? I'm angry as hell. Ditto... I have though, found some happiness in this time. God has provided a place for me to wrestle. I'm grateful for it. Its my place and the company he has provided, I pray never goes away. That place, in some ways has given me peace and safety. Although for some they do not see it or feel it, they only see me running, being angry, or whatever, there is a place I can go and be OK.
I don't know what else to say. I'm no where. I'm in a space that is private right now and at times ugly. I'll try to get back to posting regularly. :) I promise to do my best.
All my love and best to you all.
Jewels
3 comments:
I miss you Jewels......
Hi!
I know that I was one of the ones who posted as having missed you.
I don't at all have a problem with someone retreating, as it were -- not at all.
And as for being furious, disappointed, it seemed to me that you were often furious for the right, and not the wrong, reasons. It's the case that when we go into church or such, we do want to see Jesus, and although we don't expect the standard to be THAT high, we like to, well, approach as much as we possibly can on earth, eh?
So, I also see that it's a point of maturation to not have the pat word to say -- I'm not saying that you may have had that, but having not much to say is valued in many cultures as being the more comprehensive. To be honest, it's a good thing.
NO -- all I was wondering about is if you were 'all right,' well, et cetera, and so on.
And I do NOT think a person should feel too guilty about being disappointed if what the person was expecting was something in the realm of GOOD!
We're SUPPOSED to be disappointed at bad things, not accept them as the status quo, eh?
Now, there's a Canadianism!
Take care, Jewels!
Remember that when the Lord looked at the seven churches, He didn't give them kudos on all points.
Dear Jewels!
It's me, again, and I DID want to say that I was happy to hear that you're having SOME nice things happening, at the moment.
Still, I DO want you to realize, say, if you get all healed up, or whatever, from whatever it is, that it is very important to remember, at least factually, the substance of what was happening.
I, personally, am very perturbed and have been, at various sincere young people falling through the cracks, as it were, in terms of expectations of something in the order of a godly environment, and being somewhat disappointed.
Now, the teen for God, in many cases, is a sincere gal. I'm really thinking of the nature of pastoral care and teaching.
Now, I'm thinking broadly, having seen one or two falling through certain cracks, recently.
Some are through offenses in the church.
Then you'll find others, put on a pedestal too soon, who can't maintain, there, and that's a problem of another type. What happens is that church people do not always THINK when they kind of lay hands on somebody or other who shows promise. They put them into something for which they have only attained PART of the maturity they might need. And then, something gives, 'cuz they're not ready. I saw a case like that, recently.
I'm concerned that people aren't worrying about the over-all growth of people that are coming up through the local church.
Now, I'm concerned about you, as I have been about your husband, as well, AND about even the people you've mentioned.
If you're a mother, sometime, or if you could put your imagination into that, imagining it, I think that you'd say that you'd be concerned with the overall growth of people and with their preservation and safety during that growth.
I'm very concerned about the phenomena you've mentioned. Have even, in my wild imagination, wanted to document the problems and the hurts involved [anonymously, naturally -- I've been a researcher, on a reasonably high level, so know the protocols] to provide some kind of realization to churches of where things, generally, are hurting.
There's too much institutional, and not enough family, in the right sense.
There has to be a place for everyone, each with his/her gifts, and a godly caring one for another.
I do think also that a bit more intergenerational activity would help.
I do know that that occasionally helped me was the fact that my father had some critiques of the church -- not destructive ones, but analytical ones -- and so everything wasn't described as sweetness and light.
That actually helped quite a bit.
Some of the people who have perturbed you might not necessarily be possessors of a maturity to the extent that you should get extremely serious about their reaction on certain fronts. They could still be becoming, to a large degree .
It's not over til it's over.
Story's not finished.
I'm a fairly old lady, I should mention, and have seen both some glorious things and also all kinds of social anomalies in my time in the church.
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