She watched the group of people. They were singing and swaying their hands back and forth to the music. The leader kept singing, "hallelujah to the Lamb". She watched him and she watched the people and none of it made sense to her any more. She closed her eyes and allowed her mind take her back to a time that it did. She remembered being up on that stage, just like the man and leading the singing. At the time it made sense. At the time it was right. She slowly opened her eyes and looked around, shook her head, it doesn't make sense any more. It doesn't seem right any more. I'm not the same, she slowly seemed to understand what that meant.
I'm not the same. Today we drove by our old church. The cars were packed in and apart of me longed to be in that church. Another part of me didn't. Unsafe people lie within that building. People that have knowingly turned their back to pain they have caused and still have not acknowledged it are there, leading the church even. I couldn't walk back in there.
Today while Blake we sleeping I turned on some random channel on the t.v. It ended up having some kindof CCM Festival. I watched the crowds and I watched the performers and I realized I don't understand that lifestyle any more. On top of which I realized I don't fit in that lifestyle. And it brought me back to our old church and it made me think about the church we were visiting for awhile.
I'm not the same any more. I don't know that I will ever be able to walk into a building of Christians again. The buildings for me have become like a warning signal. "DON'T ENTER!!!! DANGER DANGER!!!!" The symbol they hold is a fake reality, a small world view, a small God view, a sheltered view, a hate for community, a hate for hurt people, and the hate for honesty. Some of you shake your head and you think, "oh, not my church. not me. if you knew me..." No you see I know you. I was you. I didn't understand people who could not enter a church. I looked down upon them. Thinking they must have this horrible relationship with God, the whole time hiding the horrible one I had, thinking that if only they joined in they would be enlightened and things would change. I don't see that any more. I stand outside the mass and I see the mess. I look down at myself and I see the scars of years of my own denial, but others denial as well.
So now I'm out here. I look around. I long to be in, but knowing if I do I die. I don't know too many people who understand what it is like to try to enter back in and when others realize you aren't the same the second rejection does to you. I had that situation. And although it was not the visiting church, it was too closely tied to what had happened. I haven't been able to get myself to go back there since. When I think about them, I think about the message that was told from the pulpit or I think about the person who kept harping and telling my husband to change.
Right now I just need a community to walk into and just be ok. That my husband is ok. Where he is not judged as a smarty pants and needs to be cornered and shutup until he fits their standards. Where I can cry about the hurt of my words being tangled and mangled for someone's gain. Where I'm not some "hot property" to add to someone's community, but as a soul who is on the journey, looking for other souls who are there as well. Where the gossip doesn't exist and the history of its pain is not there. I want to sit in a community and see something real. Not the fake "Sunday smile". I can't take that smile. Where I can say that I have struggled to even bother to read the bible and even try to speak a prayer is ok. To look into someone's eyes and see that they understand that pain, that frustration, and that journey. A community where the words, "well, the bible says so" or "what does the bible say" does not exist. The raping of the bible is frowned upon, but honest looking into God's word is taken seriously and no one is looking to behold the ultimate truth, but just wanting to behold The Truth (for those who don't understand that, then I suggest move on from this post). Where all voices are welcome. Not the voices of some, but
all the deep readers, the shallow thinkers, the dreamers, the logical, the illogical, and so many more come together and form the a journey, a journey towards Christ.
I don't think that community exists. Its what I want. Its what I need and I know others need it as well. I have been shown, at least in "my world", that people don't want it to exist. They want to be kept in their huddles. The thing is I heard the "break" and I have broken out of the huddle. I've been out of it for a long time and I'm still wondering where the play is going to be made. I have my hands ready for the ball, I have my ears open for the call, and to be honest I'm wondering if I just misheard. I feel as though I was awoken from a good dream and I look around me and what I thought I was being called to was some big mistake. I don't know who God is. Y'all I can't even begin to tell you any more what he wants or where he is going. To be honest, I'm just another "dork" waiting. I don't behold all answers of God like I used to think I did. All I hold any more are questions and anger. That is it. That is all I've got, period. Nice, huh? Boy and you thought this build up was to something. Nope, it wasn't. Its just to here and this is where I'm at. Ugly isn't it? Lonely too. I even have realized I have taken some steps back, because when you have friends telling you, "man can you tell me before hand if I get on your bad side?" you know things are pretty bad. At this point I don't know what else to be. Everything else didn't work. Faking it till I made it failed. Being real, well that got me and my husband booted. Heck, speaking it out loud into reality hasn't helped either.
I'm not the same any more. I'm different. I'm not fit. I'm far gone. And what does all that mean? All I know is, I'm outside the mess. You figure everything else out from there.
