I used to think God could heal me of this disease, of this bitterness and anger. I don't know any more. I used to pray "God, I'm so mean, I'm so hateful, I'm such a bitch, I'm so sorry, please forgive me. Bless those others because they deserve it more." The whole time in the dark, I'm wishing for one blessing from God, something that shows my truth in the light. My truth seems so important. My hurt seems so important. My life feels destroyed by "those people". My life seems so unimportant. My hurt to God seems to be so small. Is the truth I see, my truth, is it a lie? Have a become so blinded that the truth is I'm the mean one, I am the evil one? "Those people" are the innocent? So I am living the discipline "those people" I feel they deserve? Has God become so mad at me over this that He keeps showing me how perfect they are and how much they deserve blessings more than me? Why is that I always feel I'm at the end of God's toilet? Why is it that I look at mean, hateful people and I see blessings ever flowing from their lives, but yet, I'm the one who one day said, "its all about you Jesus, I give you may passion, I give you my life, I give you my everything" and yet what blessings do I behold? Don't surrender your life is my advice. Don't start walking in the desert, don't say "Yes Lord", don't bother. These things seem to be jokes to God some how, but yet I was taught it is the most important thing. Strive for the best, strive for excellence, strive for social status, strive for twisting the truth, strive for pew sitting, strive for hurting others and this my friend will lead you to social status in the church, this my friend will lead you to blessings from heaven, this my friend will get you noticed with God. Forget:
Better is One Day
by Matt Redman - Copyright ©
How lovely is Your dwelling place
O Lord almighty.
For my soul longs
And even faints for You.
For here my heart is satisfied,
Within Your presence.
I sing beneath the shadow of Your wings.
Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere
One thing I ask, and I would seek
To see Your beauty
To find You in the place Your glory dwells.
My heart and flesh cry out,
For You the living God,
Your Spirit is water to my soul,
I've tasted and I've seen,
Come once again to me,
I will draw near to You,
I will draw near to You.
Better is one day, Better is one day
Better is one day than thousands elsewhere
(repeat)
Don't listen to any of it. Its not true.
Ok, Jewels you say, "your just not feeling well today, things will look up in the morning", sorry while I doubt you. I am living a life of anger and bitterness with no way out soon. My life is now so consumed by it I can't see straight. When did my "better than one day" start? How has God gone to this crazy place where cute, shallow, no passion for Him is ok? Where is the God I knew 3 years ago? Can someone tell me? Can someone tell me where to look where the lyrics to "Better Is Oneday" doesn't sound like a farce. Where the song I surrendered to in ministry doesn't sound so lame?
The Heart Of Worship (1999)
When the music fades
And all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the ways things appear
You're looking into my heart
I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus
King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath
I'll bring You more than just a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart
I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus
Its all about you
Jesus
I'm at a loss.
Peace.
7 comments:
Jewels, Peace to you, first.
Massive amounts of it.
I have no soothing words for you. Maybe an essay, though. ;)
Sometimes God feels far away. Far, far away. I will pray with you that you feel his comfort as you come to terms with your emotions.
Thanks Ann. :)
Maybe what you surrendered to was a lie. Maybe "the ministry", as you know it, isn't really ministry. Maybe the Spirit has opened your eyes to that reality and you feel betrayed, tricked and the baffoon for having been hood-winked. Maybe your expectation of ministry is erroneous. Maybe your depending on ministry to "do" something for you in lieu of depending on God to "have done it all" for you. All disappointments in life are the result of misplaced dependencies and unreal expectations...maybe this is an opportunity to discover what those misplaced dependencies and unreal expectations are. Maybe your definition of "blessings" is flawed. Maybe "blessings" in the kingdom of God have no "worldly" value. Maybe those people who you see as experiencing blessings don't even know God. Maybe they seemed to have it all but rather thirst to know the creator as you do. Maybe their satisfied with their "blessings" and they don't even thirst to know Him. Maybe all your capable of in this life is responding to the love of God, knowing Him as He desires to know you. Maybe God doesn't get mad at anyone because punishment for your sins has already been exercised. Maybe God sees you as infinitely valuable and is rejoicing in your crying out, your honesty and humility...maybe that's what He desires of you. Maybe things of eternal value cannot, will not...ever be earned by 'our' striving. Maybe in looking for that "one day" you've missed the months and years of being consciously aware of His presence every moment of your exisitence.
maybe
I'm overnight in Somerset, KY Jewels...sitting at the Hampton Inn courtesy computer as my spirit is pouring out to God for you, a sister, who is hurting. May you feel the warmth of His embrace, the beating of His heart and familiar aroma of His breath. Let it swallow you, your hurts, despair and frustrations. Let His presence envelop your entire being and His acceptance find rest in your heart.
Rick
wow, alot of food for thought Rick. Thank you.
Jules
Lets distinguish two things: exploitation from other people, false images of God, you don't have to give your life to, but God, who He knows himself to be, we have to trust, and that means when it looks like he is throwing our lives away. I am struggling with this more than I can say. WB
Maybe, those who have status in the church, those who socially climb, yet appear to be 'blessed,' and may have the 'god-words' to go along with that premise, well, there's that statement of our Lord's about, for example, those who APPEARED to others to be benefactors and so on, that they "have their reward." That's it, maybe, eh?
Actually, some of the hardest and most bitter experiences of my life have been in a church setting when it wasn't about Jesus as Lord, and, yeah, it will destroy a person readily, for sure.
Yet, you are permitted the EMOTIONS. Someone Else will judge them. THere's nothing wrong with getting back JUST BEFORE the anger, and feeling the hurt and going through it.
The anger was a second thing and it will eat you alive. That hurt that's before it may need to be identified, and the tears will come and they will be healing, if you lean on the SAviour as you cry to Him.
And He will comfort you, and your soul will be still after a while, like a weaned child.
I've had that. It wouldn't bother me nearly so much in another setting, other than the church -- the believing church.
THAT is where you FEEL you need connection, where there is SUPPOSED to be connection, and that disappointment goes deep. You're about the thing that the church is supposed to be about.
If you were, for example, a golf person and joined a golf club, you would expect it to be mainly about golf. But, maybe it'd be about status, too. But, in the world we expect that. Where it's a shocker is when it comes into the church.
Remember that not everybody in the Church is a born-again believer, and there's that matter of the weeds that were sown among the good stuff. Rooting it up now would scare the living daylights outta people, because they're not always aware of how some folk might be, so, there'll be many surprises in Heaven, as one scholar used to say -- who probably had had some experiences of his own!
I'm speechless to respond to all that has been written. I have been thinking of ways to respond and all I think to say is "thank you".
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