Church Yesterday

You know yesterday at church wasn't that bad. Although there were things that I still struggled with. Those are personal issues though and ones that I'm still working through. I will get to that in a sec. Anyway, it was nice to see people that I do care about and see they are o-kay. I have missed them. Plus it was nice to see that some people do care and miss you. Its just hard because the reason I know they like me is because I haven't rocked their boat. I just smile and go on with my stuff, in their opinion at least. Anyway, I just wanted to be in a church setting for some reason. I think as a christian we desire to be with His people or something that feeds that part of our life. At least I do. I don't know if I would be completly happy if I didn't have physical contact with other "believers".

Here is the push though. There are some people that I'm struggling with in my life. They hurt me, they hurt me good. I can't seem to let it go. I see them, pride starts welling up in me and all these thoughts. I know that I don't need to be with people like them. I'm fine with that. I think it is good to have boundaries and to know toxic people when you see them, but when does the feelings of hurt and anger go away? I'm tired of feeling this way about them. Even though I feel there are some things that need to be said between us I know that those words will never be said and I know they wouldn't admit or listen. So, there is still no closure and I'm desiring it so bad. I want healing. I keep praying to God to help me. Hopefully He will heal me. I know that all I have done on my own power with this hasn't worked.

Anyway, does any of this matter? I don't know.

?????

How do you get through life being slow and just plain ignorant? I mean I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but man I work with some really dull ones. :P

Sorry for that just felt like it needed to be said.

The Truth

I do some really stupid things sometimes. My anger or my embarrassment takes over and I find myself embarrassed. :P Right now I'm really upset with something I did to a friend. I just got embarrassed about something I did and reacted in away that got them more involved. I feel really bad. I want to go back and chage it, but it was a mistake. ugh........ I want to tell them I'm sorry but I don't even know how to reveal the truth of what I did.

I'm really thinking through this stuff I'm going to speaking on. Its about "unity". In our church right now, I just don't know if that is possible. There is so much hurt going on and not enough truth. Will me sharing at a Ladies Retreat really be helpful? I don't know. I even wonder if it really safe. I mean some of the things I have to share are from my heart and some of it is ugly. I shared last night that I feel like I'm like that book,"Messy Spirtuality". That is me, my spirtuality is messy as it can get. I hurt people, I have ugly feelings, and I'm just plain weird. Its the truth, in all its ugliness. O-kay so I have been depressing lately. :P Sorry for that. Honestly, I'm doing better than what I give myself credit for. Anyway, blessings to all and have a good Sunday tomorrow.

FUNNY

Forgot to add they nominated and placed me as the speaker! HA Sorry for that. I'm sure you caught on though. :P

The Die Has Been Cast

Well, last night I went to the first meeting for the Ladies' Retreat. It was good. I'm praying for openness and a willingness to try things outside of comfortabilty.

To be honest I have felt a need to say "I think God is pressing me to do this." BUT I kept questioning it. I'm not a speaker. I'm not someone who leads very well. Maybe that is what God wants. I will be honest also, last night as I was sleeping God kept prodding, saying "I'm serious Julie. Are you serious? I'm not abotu playing, this is real." This scared me a bit and challanges me so much. How many times have I just played with God and just played life. There is this feeling of responsiblilty. So I ask if anyone is reading this ( I should inlist some help), please pray that I take this task on in humilty and desire to share God's heart with those women.

Point of Interest

I'm in an e-mail chat for the past month. Its been really cool. I don't know how it all came down but we found a point of interest and it has continued. I have to say it has been a streching experience. This person truly has some deep questions and doesn't want to mess around. I like that. They aren't playing and toying with God. They are stripping away all the junk. Although they may identify themselves as "Postmodern" its different. I don't know how to explain it, I see their heart for God, instead of their heart for verbalizing and being "Postmodern". Its refreshing.

One of the questions that we have been lobbing back and forth has been God's will. How do we know what God's will is? Do we let other people try and impress their will on us, all the while saying its God's will? Although for you this maybe simple, but you get someone like this person asking these questions and you soon realize, it isn't that simple. I think the best thing that has come from these e-mails is the tearing down of my masks and the tearing down of my "super spirituality". Understand I'm passionate about God, but I can easily get on my soap box and just stay there and not walk along people.

I'm glad this person found a point of interest with me. Its been awesome! :)

URBANA

I dont' know if anyone reads this. I sometimes I wish I had comments so then I could smile and think "someone is listening". Anyway, this I hope someone hears. I went to the Urbana website today. I found a treasure. Its, well, its my heart beat. Sound corny, sure, but it is. anyway, let me walk you through this. Go to Urbana website, then go to Dec 29 and then hit on the stream that says Theatre: Translation. Its amazing to me. I loved it. Anyway, check it out. The second guy is well, amazing, man to me, thats the gospel!