Abba Knows Best

So today I'm asking myself does Abba know best. For months I have been on my knees with God over a certian issue in my life. And he keeps saying to me, "Daughter, I know best." And I get angry and say back, "Do you? Do you know what is best?" And I wonder, when does what he want and I want coexist? Does it ever? When does what I want get heard from him and the faith I have in him count? Small faith is suppose to move mountians. So I keep wondering why my small faith in this matter has been meaningless. So Abba says to me, "Child, I love you and have since you were even a thought to this earth. I know you best. Even better then you. I see the great scheme. I know your heart. I know your hurting and made as hell at me, but I do, I do know best!" And I stomp my foot, become the full on brat I know I am and beg Abba for once to just give me just for ONE time the thing I'm trusting him on. *stomps my foot, harder and harder* Come on ABBA, let me see it once, just once. And he says to me, "I have and you are blind"

*sighs* I don't know any more. I've let this tear me from the inside out. In and out I go from the self torture I'm so well at doing to myself. And just being Abba to prove me once to be right. Or is it wrong. LOL UGH...ok, this turn out as well as I had it planned in my head. Oh, well....

The Ever Growing Spiritual Life

So....you look at your journey and where you are going. I look and I see my life becoming more and more of a dance. Isn't that what its suppose to be? I've come to a place where I would rather learn the simple place of God. To see his majesty in the silence place. No show, no demands that other's can put upon you and see him in new ways.
Something I have embraced is comptemplative prayer. I got onto this from Brennan Manning, whom I huge fan of right now. I finished reading his book The Signature of Jesus about a month ago. I truely appreciated what he had to share in that book. The pearls of wisdom he shares in that book are amazing. But the biggest jewel I found in the book was comptemplative prayer. Its something I have been trying to do every morning and every night. I don't always do it, but for the most part I find time to focus on a gospel verse and meditate upon it.
As far as being a part of a church, well, that ain't happening. I'm just not finding an "IC" that I'm sold on and feel I fit into. I'm just over the false pretense of "IC". I'm over the plasticness (yes, that is a real word ;) ) of it all. Maybe I've been out of the system for too long. Maybe I have come to another understanding that makes me too judegmental and I can't check out my brain at the door. I don't know. What I do know is that for now, I'm happy with it just being God and I. I'm enjoying the growth I have seen in myself as a person and as a child of Abba.
Anyway, I hope this post makes sense. I feel a bit muddled today. LOL Had to take Buster to the vet for the first and I think it stressed up both out. LOL
Much love and blessings to all!

What Life Brings

Hello peeps! Those who drop by now and then. So this is my life as of now.

1. I'm a full time student as of NOW. LOL I'm attending Southeast Missiouri State University. I'll be finishing my education degree. The long term goal being I get my masters in hopes of working with children with autism. Since working with special needs children, I've just opened up to a new passion.
2. I am working at Wal-Mart part time for the summer. I need the extra money for school. Its an alright job, gets me to where I'm going in my goals.
3. I have a kitten. His name is Buster and I wubs him lots. He has brought a new joy into my life. And some stress. LOL
4. Spiritually: well, this one is will take a while and my computer is lagging BIG time. I'll get to this next time.

Ok, I'm frusterated with this lag. It has taken me well over 15 minutes to do just this. LOL

To Answer Lydia

I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I've been thinking it over a lot. I have some things I have thought about talking about here. I'll probably get back to it when its right. Right now I feel something is holding me back.

There is something I do want to respond to and when I'm ready I'll put it here. I'm just rolling a lot of thoughts in my head about how I want to blog here.

You, I guess of all people would understand I'm trying to bridge a lot of my life together. I don't feel comfortable in posting about that.

I am reading Spencer's book he sent us. Spencer from theOOZE sent all of us mods his newest book. In reading it, it has brought up some things for me. So I will probably blog about that as well.

I know that is SO vague. HA Just life is interesting right now. Its an adjustment and I'm just not sure how to blog about it and feel safe at the same time.

How Do You?

How do you do this? I'm not sure how. I know Blake has posted at his blog. Yes, it is true we are seperated and will be getting a divorce. I almost want to vomit has I say that. Tears stream down my face.

There are so many things you want to say. One thing I want to say is sorry. I've said it to Blake, but you also feel the need to apologize to those that are your friends and those who counted on you. And sorry to God for failing him.

I don't want to get into details either, but to say that Blake and I are both going through our own hell in this. We both still love and respect one another. We both still love God and both want the best for one another.

Leaving Blake, coming home was the hardest thing I've ever done. The day he dropped me of I wanted so badly to run up to the van and tell him to just take me home with him. I still at times want to do that. But I also know that to hold onto him, to continue to hurt him and hold his life back is and was wrong.

I punish myself a lot lately. I feel I've failed so many people, but the worst of all is thinking about my "blue eyes" and knowing I failed him. All of this is a process, I know. I'm just still grieving. I'm still trying to give myself grace.

I ask that you pray for us.

I guess I'll post later, but right now this is too hard. Thank you to those who have posted here and have e-mailed me. I know I haven't responded, but thank you!

Jules!

And ONE More Thing

I forget what thread this was on, but a really cool dude by the name of "ultraman" aka Nathan aka Homiebear, said this....

"boxes" are always assumptions. How can you think outside of this box if you insist on saying that is is foundational?-ultraman

I loved this. It has been an ecouragement to me lately. Because of some things going on in my life I have had to once again rip outside another box. I've had to make myself think outside of it. I've learned in the last several years I have to always push myself to think outside of what is called "foundational", because as soon as I say something or a beief I have is "foundational" I find out it wasn't, it was just another box I tried to define God in. If anything this past year has taught and in my silence of not blogging as much is that God is always calling us outside the box and its up to us decided if we are going to tear out of the box or just stay nice and warm inside the one we've always known.

Almost Right

So my friend Lydia posted something on TheOOZE from my friend Ann. Its most excellent. However, me being the ever so critical one I'm going to point out some things that were missing from this list. Here is the link. click here

Ok, so you "read" it. I'll say this, its pretty dead on, but I'll say this as well. It forgot some major things in my eyes. For one, no picture of people just gathering? Come on, that is like the number one thing for us "PoMos"/ECers. Not all gatherings have all the fancy stuff, the prayer walks. I know at TheOOZE one of our fave things to talk about is just gathing at a pub and talking out stuff. I guess to say, not all who fall under the banner of "PoMo"/EC worship in a building setting.

Next and I have to say, I'm REALLY disappionted....what about the negative way we use PDC and Rick Warren? huh? huh? I have fought hard for my negative use of those words and I want that added to the list. And I'm not the only one who has fought for the negative use. *stick out tongue*

And...aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnndddddd what about Don Miller? HELLO??? Blue Like Jazz???? Searching For God Knows What???? Oh, can such a wonderful writer that has spoken to SO many of us be looked over?

Even add to that, Derek Webb!!! He is like a modern day prophet to the church through music. Speaking the things most of us think and know!

See the thing is people only scratch the surface of this whole "PoMo/"EC" thing. So many of us that can be put under that banner show once again, we cannot be pegged down, we cannot be defined. So there take that you blogger who blogs things!!!!

Yes, some of this is tongue and cheek. I loved the blog, but still come on..... ;)

AHA!!!!!!!!!!

Drew Costen, a friend of mine posted this at TheOOZE......

This may sound crazy, but when I read that I think: Good, then we’re getting somewhere…

Speaking only from my own experience, these times when you get the most confused, when you seem to have the least grasp on the answers, are the times when you are really progressing. I know it sounds all backwards and counter-intuitive, but I think what Justin is describing is great and totally spot-on. Because I think there comes a point where if you aren’t confused then you simply aren’t paying attention, or you’re possibly lying to yourself. Seriously, it’s only people who are actually trying to figure things out who become confused. While nobody wants to wallow in uncertainty forever, I think it’s really healthy and natural. And it’s also sort of awesome to reach these small breaking points where it seems like every turn you make meets with criticism or failure. Because what that does is strengthens you against needing outside validation. Everybody makes you feel guilty or says you’re doing something wrong? Now’s the time to really assess for yourself if that’s the case and what needs to be done about it.

This was after he quoted from a blog. Hit the link to read the entire post. At any rate this is my response to him and I thought I would share it here.

I know this will be shocking for you, but I welled up in tears as I read this. I think some where deep inside me I knew this, but felt guilty for even putting words to it.

So often I keep hearing people say, "where there is confusion, there isn't God". The thing is, I've found in my confusion and uncertianity that is where I find him. I feel safe and at peace, because I know some where his will, if you will, is there. That when I think I have this "mother" figured out, my life gets shaken and I find myself back in uncertianty.

And as you say at the end, I'm finding it becomes more and more about God and I. No one fits in the math. I'm not looking for what others want or what the easy answer might be, but I'm in honest relationship with him. It looks messy, it looks like my spiritual life has some how gone to "pot", but it hasn't, I'm in growth and I'm being honest. How often when we are in the "know" do we become cocky and if we look no growth, no new strength in our faith. I guess I've been living in the deep question for about a year now, maybe longer, sometimes I think I must look so weak to others, but then I look to God and I see I'm stronger.

good stuff, Drew! Thanks!!!!

I created a Slide Show! Check it out!

Just A Personal Word

Alright, so I'm doing this public and it will embarrass the fire out of her, but I don't care. ;)

Jade, thanks for our talk today. You have no idea how much it floored me and helped me. You are an amazing person and I want you to know you gave me strength today.

You Say

I have recently gotten into Saving Jane. Anyway, I only get the songs I like, but a friend I passed a song to me when I passed one to her. Anyway, you ask where I'm at. Well, here I am....

You Say

Saving Jane

I've been calling and calling for you

But you answer and I shut my mouth

I've been searching and for you, but myself

I don't want to be found.

You say

I am

You say let go

You say belief

But it's not that easy for me

You say wait

You say right now

Don't you see your already one foot at the ground

You say

I've been wicked and wild and wrong and I've wondered the price of my shame.

I've been hiding my face for so long it's a wonder that you know my name.

You say come home

You say I'm here

You say there's some things you just can't control.

You say let me

You say belief

Why do you search for the answers you already know?

You say

I am the way and the light and the truth

Don't be mislead by the flight of your youth.

Have faith in the things you can't see to belief. what if you had faith in me?

You say rest here

This is your home.

Don't you see that you knew I was here all along?

You say

Angela Shelton

Hey y'all. Many of you know how I feel about Angela Shelton and her movie "Searching For Angela Shelton". Anyway, it is now going to be shown on
Lifetime April 22, 2006. I really suggest y'all watch if you can. Its really an amazing movie and eye opening. So please, please mark it on your calender.
Here is what the Lifetime website says about it:

Filmmaker Angela Shelton journeys across the United States meeting other Angela Sheltons in an effort to survey women in America. She discovers that, like her, 24 out of the 40 Angela Sheltons she spoke to have been victims of violence. The Angela Sheltons teach the filmmaker about forgiveness, faith and the power of the human spirit, no matter what your name is.

Anyway, I hope y'all look into it.

Later!

Hey y'all! I'm back from my trip. Very tired. I have been feeling like everything is going by me so fast this week. I almost feel that is how life is right now. I'm going slow on the highway and every thing around me is zooming by. As if everyone is living their life and I'm not. Its a weird place to be.

Anyway, had a good trip. Hope everyone is doing well. Hopefully will be up and blogging again soon. :)

From The Desk of The South

I'm on vaccation. I'm in Kennett, MO, home of Shreyl Crow. ;) LOL Anyway, just letting y'all know where I'm at if you don't hear from me. I know some have sent me some e-mails and since my parents are on the accient "dial-up" my internet time is short because I just can't take it. LOL

Couple of thoughts and when I get home I will follow up on them....

1. I feel sorry for out kids in church. I don't think they will ever know what to do with God or their faith in the simple places.

2. Racism and mild stupidity is alive and well in the South. I think I've lived in Canada for so long I thought this didn't exist.

Hope all is well.

READY?!?!?!!! O....KAY!!!!

So this morning I'm dressed and ready. I'm going to a church service. Yes, I said it, I am going to a church service. Don't faint. ;) LOL I'm not sure what to expect, I'm going to a lent service. I have never been to one so I decided to go. We'll how it goes. I'll let y'all know.

Sin?

picture by James Orah;link on the right for more of his art.

Ok, so on the lines of "sin". Knowing we are all behind that curtain to me is almost comforting. At least I know I'm not a lone in the "sin factor", but here is the deal, I know if I walked out from behind that curtain the others will poke their nose out and judge me. We all know it is true. Its much easier to deal with what is behind our curtain knowing someone else has it "worse" then us. Just a fact of life.

The other side of the coin. What if what we are hiding behind the curtain isn't a sin, but just who we are? God's creation, people who will NEVER reach perfection here on earth. I think we want our list so that we can say what is a sin and what is not. I think it comforts us, because then this whole "sin thing" is under lock and key. We understand it. But what if, what if we all just said, we are sinners who Christ died for. What happens then? The list doesn't matter so much, at least for me. My "sin" doesn't matter as much as knowing I'm a "sinner".

Just something to think about. At least something I have been at least.

Behind The Curtain

Would it surprise you to know I have a "secret sin"? One that no one knows about. Because of it I feel like the man behind the curtain. I let everyone see the acts, the tricks, the "game", but if you came to the curtain, pulled it back you would see the real me. Controlling what you see, showing just enough of my "true self" so not to really get anyone on my scent. I don't know what I'm going to with this "sin", but its there. It haunts me. I guess, when I'm ready to open the curtain then I will be ready to live life. I guess. I'm not sure any more. Sometimes I feel I live in complete confusion. I guess maybe we all do. I wonder if we just all admitted we are the person behind the curtain. I wonder what would happen. Would it make it easier to open the curtain and be more "real"? Who knows, I guess we may never know.

Over And Over

I have this song on repeat today. Thought I would share. LOL This is a song by
Nickel Creek, off their album Why Should the Fire Die

"Doubting Thomas"

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath

Besides the folks I've met and the folks who've known me

Will I discover a soul-saving love

Or just the dirt above and below me

I'm a doubting Thomas

I took a promise

But I do not feel safe

Oh me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face

Then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward

If there's a master of death

I bet he's holding his breath

As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I'm a doubting Thomas

I can't keep my promises

Cause I don't know what's safe

Oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth

When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie

Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs

That prove I'm not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs

Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas

I'll take your promise

Though I know nothin's safe

Oh me of little faith

T-Shirts

Someone asked what I meant about "becoming God". I think the song "T-Shirts" by Derek Webb describes what I'm talking about. I heard it today and so I thought I would post the lyrics. :)

they'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear

they'll know us by the way we point and stare

at anyone whose sin looks worse than ours

who cannot hide the scars of this curse that we all bare
they’ll know us by our picket lines and signs

they’ll know us by the pride we hide behind

like anyone on earth is living right

and isn’t that why Jesus died

not to make us think we’re right
chorus

when love, love, love

is what we should be known forlove, love, love

it’s the how and it’s the why we live and breathe and we die
they’ll know us by reasons we divide

and how we can’t seem to unify

because we’ve gotta sing songs a certain style

or we’ll walk right down that aisle

and just leave ‘em all behind
they’ll know us by the billboards that we make

just turning God’s words to cheap clichés

says “what part of murder don’t you understand?”

but we hate our fellow man

and point a finger at his grave
chorus

they'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear

they'll know us by the way we point and stare

telling ‘em their sins are worse than ours

thinking we can hide our scars

beneath these t-shirts that we wear

Oh, Come ON!!!

I watched to interviews with Sasha Cohen today. I couldn't help but think as she was putting on her big smile and her lil' speech, "oh, you know I just enjoy the sport, its not about the color of the medal", that I wanted her to say, "you know what it SUCKS. I can't believe a moment in time I worked so hard on..." LOL You know sometimes it would be nice to see that. To know that when you are looking at one of your moments in time where you failed big time and to see someone pubicly say, it SUCKS when you fail. Maybe that is just me, but I'm kind of tired of seeing us dress up "failure".