Abba Knows Best

So today I'm asking myself does Abba know best. For months I have been on my knees with God over a certian issue in my life. And he keeps saying to me, "Daughter, I know best." And I get angry and say back, "Do you? Do you know what is best?" And I wonder, when does what he want and I want coexist? Does it ever? When does what I want get heard from him and the faith I have in him count? Small faith is suppose to move mountians. So I keep wondering why my small faith in this matter has been meaningless. So Abba says to me, "Child, I love you and have since you were even a thought to this earth. I know you best. Even better then you. I see the great scheme. I know your heart. I know your hurting and made as hell at me, but I do, I do know best!" And I stomp my foot, become the full on brat I know I am and beg Abba for once to just give me just for ONE time the thing I'm trusting him on. *stomps my foot, harder and harder* Come on ABBA, let me see it once, just once. And he says to me, "I have and you are blind"

*sighs* I don't know any more. I've let this tear me from the inside out. In and out I go from the self torture I'm so well at doing to myself. And just being Abba to prove me once to be right. Or is it wrong. LOL UGH...ok, this turn out as well as I had it planned in my head. Oh, well....

The Ever Growing Spiritual Life

So....you look at your journey and where you are going. I look and I see my life becoming more and more of a dance. Isn't that what its suppose to be? I've come to a place where I would rather learn the simple place of God. To see his majesty in the silence place. No show, no demands that other's can put upon you and see him in new ways.
Something I have embraced is comptemplative prayer. I got onto this from Brennan Manning, whom I huge fan of right now. I finished reading his book The Signature of Jesus about a month ago. I truely appreciated what he had to share in that book. The pearls of wisdom he shares in that book are amazing. But the biggest jewel I found in the book was comptemplative prayer. Its something I have been trying to do every morning and every night. I don't always do it, but for the most part I find time to focus on a gospel verse and meditate upon it.
As far as being a part of a church, well, that ain't happening. I'm just not finding an "IC" that I'm sold on and feel I fit into. I'm just over the false pretense of "IC". I'm over the plasticness (yes, that is a real word ;) ) of it all. Maybe I've been out of the system for too long. Maybe I have come to another understanding that makes me too judegmental and I can't check out my brain at the door. I don't know. What I do know is that for now, I'm happy with it just being God and I. I'm enjoying the growth I have seen in myself as a person and as a child of Abba.
Anyway, I hope this post makes sense. I feel a bit muddled today. LOL Had to take Buster to the vet for the first and I think it stressed up both out. LOL
Much love and blessings to all!

What Life Brings

Hello peeps! Those who drop by now and then. So this is my life as of now.

1. I'm a full time student as of NOW. LOL I'm attending Southeast Missiouri State University. I'll be finishing my education degree. The long term goal being I get my masters in hopes of working with children with autism. Since working with special needs children, I've just opened up to a new passion.
2. I am working at Wal-Mart part time for the summer. I need the extra money for school. Its an alright job, gets me to where I'm going in my goals.
3. I have a kitten. His name is Buster and I wubs him lots. He has brought a new joy into my life. And some stress. LOL
4. Spiritually: well, this one is will take a while and my computer is lagging BIG time. I'll get to this next time.

Ok, I'm frusterated with this lag. It has taken me well over 15 minutes to do just this. LOL

To Answer Lydia

I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I've been thinking it over a lot. I have some things I have thought about talking about here. I'll probably get back to it when its right. Right now I feel something is holding me back.

There is something I do want to respond to and when I'm ready I'll put it here. I'm just rolling a lot of thoughts in my head about how I want to blog here.

You, I guess of all people would understand I'm trying to bridge a lot of my life together. I don't feel comfortable in posting about that.

I am reading Spencer's book he sent us. Spencer from theOOZE sent all of us mods his newest book. In reading it, it has brought up some things for me. So I will probably blog about that as well.

I know that is SO vague. HA Just life is interesting right now. Its an adjustment and I'm just not sure how to blog about it and feel safe at the same time.

How Do You?

How do you do this? I'm not sure how. I know Blake has posted at his blog. Yes, it is true we are seperated and will be getting a divorce. I almost want to vomit has I say that. Tears stream down my face.

There are so many things you want to say. One thing I want to say is sorry. I've said it to Blake, but you also feel the need to apologize to those that are your friends and those who counted on you. And sorry to God for failing him.

I don't want to get into details either, but to say that Blake and I are both going through our own hell in this. We both still love and respect one another. We both still love God and both want the best for one another.

Leaving Blake, coming home was the hardest thing I've ever done. The day he dropped me of I wanted so badly to run up to the van and tell him to just take me home with him. I still at times want to do that. But I also know that to hold onto him, to continue to hurt him and hold his life back is and was wrong.

I punish myself a lot lately. I feel I've failed so many people, but the worst of all is thinking about my "blue eyes" and knowing I failed him. All of this is a process, I know. I'm just still grieving. I'm still trying to give myself grace.

I ask that you pray for us.

I guess I'll post later, but right now this is too hard. Thank you to those who have posted here and have e-mailed me. I know I haven't responded, but thank you!

Jules!

And ONE More Thing

I forget what thread this was on, but a really cool dude by the name of "ultraman" aka Nathan aka Homiebear, said this....

"boxes" are always assumptions. How can you think outside of this box if you insist on saying that is is foundational?-ultraman

I loved this. It has been an ecouragement to me lately. Because of some things going on in my life I have had to once again rip outside another box. I've had to make myself think outside of it. I've learned in the last several years I have to always push myself to think outside of what is called "foundational", because as soon as I say something or a beief I have is "foundational" I find out it wasn't, it was just another box I tried to define God in. If anything this past year has taught and in my silence of not blogging as much is that God is always calling us outside the box and its up to us decided if we are going to tear out of the box or just stay nice and warm inside the one we've always known.

Almost Right

So my friend Lydia posted something on TheOOZE from my friend Ann. Its most excellent. However, me being the ever so critical one I'm going to point out some things that were missing from this list. Here is the link. click here

Ok, so you "read" it. I'll say this, its pretty dead on, but I'll say this as well. It forgot some major things in my eyes. For one, no picture of people just gathering? Come on, that is like the number one thing for us "PoMos"/ECers. Not all gatherings have all the fancy stuff, the prayer walks. I know at TheOOZE one of our fave things to talk about is just gathing at a pub and talking out stuff. I guess to say, not all who fall under the banner of "PoMo"/EC worship in a building setting.

Next and I have to say, I'm REALLY disappionted....what about the negative way we use PDC and Rick Warren? huh? huh? I have fought hard for my negative use of those words and I want that added to the list. And I'm not the only one who has fought for the negative use. *stick out tongue*

And...aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnndddddd what about Don Miller? HELLO??? Blue Like Jazz???? Searching For God Knows What???? Oh, can such a wonderful writer that has spoken to SO many of us be looked over?

Even add to that, Derek Webb!!! He is like a modern day prophet to the church through music. Speaking the things most of us think and know!

See the thing is people only scratch the surface of this whole "PoMo/"EC" thing. So many of us that can be put under that banner show once again, we cannot be pegged down, we cannot be defined. So there take that you blogger who blogs things!!!!

Yes, some of this is tongue and cheek. I loved the blog, but still come on..... ;)