This Isn't The Life I Signed Up For!

Abba Knows Best

2008-07-01T13:30:00.002-04:00

So today I'm asking myself does Abba know best. For months I have been on my knees with God over a certian issue in my life. And he keeps saying to me, "Daughter, I know best." And I get angry and say back, "Do you? Do you know what is best?" And I wonder, when does what he want and I want coexist? Does it ever? When does what I want get heard from him and the faith I have in him count? Small faith is suppose to move mountians. So I keep wondering why my small faith in this matter has been meaningless. So Abba says to me, "Child, I love you and have since you were even a thought to this earth. I know you best. Even better then you. I see the great scheme. I know your heart. I know your hurting and made as hell at me, but I do, I do know best!" And I stomp my foot, become the full on brat I know I am and beg Abba for once to just give me just for ONE time the thing I'm trusting him on. *stomps my foot, harder and harder* Come on ABBA, let me see it once, just once. And he says to me, "I have and you are blind"

*sighs* I don't know any more. I've let this tear me from the inside out. In and out I go from the self torture I'm so well at doing to myself. And just being Abba to prove me once to be right. Or is it wrong. LOL UGH...ok, this turn out as well as I had it planned in my head. Oh, well....

The Ever Growing Spiritual Life

2008-06-05T14:17:00.002-04:00

So....you look at your journey and where you are going. I look and I see my life becoming more and more of a dance. Isn't that what its suppose to be? I've come to a place where I would rather learn the simple place of God. To see his majesty in the silence place. No show, no demands that other's can put upon you and see him in new ways.
Something I have embraced is comptemplative prayer. I got onto this from Brennan Manning, whom I huge fan of right now. I finished reading his book The Signature of Jesus about a month ago. I truely appreciated what he had to share in that book. The pearls of wisdom he shares in that book are amazing. But the biggest jewel I found in the book was comptemplative prayer. Its something I have been trying to do every morning and every night. I don't always do it, but for the most part I find time to focus on a gospel verse and meditate upon it.
As far as being a part of a church, well, that ain't happening. I'm just not finding an "IC" that I'm sold on and feel I fit into. I'm just over the false pretense of "IC". I'm over the plasticness (yes, that is a real word ;) ) of it all. Maybe I've been out of the system for too long. Maybe I have come to another understanding that makes me too judegmental and I can't check out my brain at the door. I don't know. What I do know is that for now, I'm happy with it just being God and I. I'm enjoying the growth I have seen in myself as a person and as a child of Abba.
Anyway, I hope this post makes sense. I feel a bit muddled today. LOL Had to take Buster to the vet for the first and I think it stressed up both out. LOL
Much love and blessings to all!

What Life Brings

2008-06-03T10:59:00.002-04:00

Hello peeps! Those who drop by now and then. So this is my life as of now.

I'm a full time student as of NOW. LOL I'm attending Southeast Missiouri State University. I'll be finishing my education degree. The long term goal being I get my masters in hopes of working with children with autism. Since working with special needs children, I've just opened up to a new passion.
I am working at Wal-Mart part time for the summer. I need the extra money for school. Its an alright job, gets me to where I'm going in my goals.
I have a kitten. His name is Buster and I wubs him lots. He has brought a new joy into my life. And some stress. LOL
Spiritually: well, this one is will take a while and my computer is lagging BIG time. I'll get to this next time.

Ok, I'm frusterated with this lag. It has taken me well over 15 minutes to do just this. LOL

To Answer Lydia

2007-04-12T15:45:00.000-04:00

I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I've been thinking it over a lot. I have some things I have thought about talking about here. I'll probably get back to it when its right. Right now I feel something is holding me back.

There is something I do want to respond to and when I'm ready I'll put it here. I'm just rolling a lot of thoughts in my head about how I want to blog here.

You, I guess of all people would understand I'm trying to bridge a lot of my life together. I don't feel comfortable in posting about that.

I am reading Spencer's book he sent us. Spencer from theOOZE sent all of us mods his newest book. In reading it, it has brought up some things for me. So I will probably blog about that as well.

I know that is SO vague. HA Just life is interesting right now. Its an adjustment and I'm just not sure how to blog about it and feel safe at the same time.

How Do You?

2007-01-16T17:50:00.000-05:00

How do you do this? I'm not sure how. I know Blake has posted at his blog. Yes, it is true we are seperated and will be getting a divorce. I almost want to vomit has I say that. Tears stream down my face.

There are so many things you want to say. One thing I want to say is sorry. I've said it to Blake, but you also feel the need to apologize to those that are your friends and those who counted on you. And sorry to God for failing him.

I don't want to get into details either, but to say that Blake and I are both going through our own hell in this. We both still love and respect one another. We both still love God and both want the best for one another.

Leaving Blake, coming home was the hardest thing I've ever done. The day he dropped me of I wanted so badly to run up to the van and tell him to just take me home with him. I still at times want to do that. But I also know that to hold onto him, to continue to hurt him and hold his life back is and was wrong.

I punish myself a lot lately. I feel I've failed so many people, but the worst of all is thinking about my "blue eyes" and knowing I failed him. All of this is a process, I know. I'm just still grieving. I'm still trying to give myself grace.

I ask that you pray for us.

I guess I'll post later, but right now this is too hard. Thank you to those who have posted here and have e-mailed me. I know I haven't responded, but thank you!

Jules!

And ONE More Thing

2006-09-11T15:46:00.000-04:00

I forget what thread this was on, but a really cool dude by the name of "ultraman" aka Nathan aka Homiebear, said this....

"boxes" are always assumptions. How can you think outside of this box if you insist on saying that is is foundational?-ultraman

I loved this. It has been an ecouragement to me lately. Because of some things going on in my life I have had to once again rip outside another box. I've had to make myself think outside of it. I've learned in the last several years I have to always push myself to think outside of what is called "foundational", because as soon as I say something or a beief I have is "foundational" I find out it wasn't, it was just another box I tried to define God in. If anything this past year has taught and in my silence of not blogging as much is that God is always calling us outside the box and its up to us decided if we are going to tear out of the box or just stay nice and warm inside the one we've always known.

Almost Right

2006-09-11T15:24:00.000-04:00

So my friend Lydia posted something on TheOOZE from my friend Ann. Its most excellent. However, me being the ever so critical one I'm going to point out some things that were missing from this list. Here is the link. click here

Ok, so you "read" it. I'll say this, its pretty dead on, but I'll say this as well. It forgot some major things in my eyes. For one, no picture of people just gathering? Come on, that is like the number one thing for us "PoMos"/ECers. Not all gatherings have all the fancy stuff, the prayer walks. I know at TheOOZE one of our fave things to talk about is just gathing at a pub and talking out stuff. I guess to say, not all who fall under the banner of "PoMo"/EC worship in a building setting.

Next and I have to say, I'm REALLY disappionted....what about the negative way we use PDC and Rick Warren? huh? huh? I have fought hard for my negative use of those words and I want that added to the list. And I'm not the only one who has fought for the negative use. *stick out tongue*

And...aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnndddddd what about Don Miller? HELLO??? Blue Like Jazz???? Searching For God Knows What???? Oh, can such a wonderful writer that has spoken to SO many of us be looked over?

Even add to that, Derek Webb!!! He is like a modern day prophet to the church through music. Speaking the things most of us think and know!

See the thing is people only scratch the surface of this whole "PoMo/"EC" thing. So many of us that can be put under that banner show once again, we cannot be pegged down, we cannot be defined. So there take that you blogger who blogs things!!!!

Yes, some of this is tongue and cheek. I loved the blog, but still come on..... ;)

AHA!!!!!!!!!!

2006-08-30T09:15:00.000-04:00

Drew Costen, a friend of mine posted this at TheOOZE......

This may sound crazy, but when I read that I think: Good, then we’re getting somewhere…

Speaking only from my own experience, these times when you get the most confused, when you seem to have the least grasp on the answers, are the times when you are really progressing. I know it sounds all backwards and counter-intuitive, but I think what Justin is describing is great and totally spot-on. Because I think there comes a point where if you aren’t confused then you simply aren’t paying attention, or you’re possibly lying to yourself. Seriously, it’s only people who are actually trying to figure things out who become confused. While nobody wants to wallow in uncertainty forever, I think it’s really healthy and natural. And it’s also sort of awesome to reach these small breaking points where it seems like every turn you make meets with criticism or failure. Because what that does is strengthens you against needing outside validation. Everybody makes you feel guilty or says you’re doing something wrong? Now’s the time to really assess for yourself if that’s the case and what needs to be done about it.

This was after he quoted from a blog. Hit the link to read the entire post. At any rate this is my response to him and I thought I would share it here.

I know this will be shocking for you, but I welled up in tears as I read this. I think some where deep inside me I knew this, but felt guilty for even putting words to it.

So often I keep hearing people say, "where there is confusion, there isn't God". The thing is, I've found in my confusion and uncertianity that is where I find him. I feel safe and at peace, because I know some where his will, if you will, is there. That when I think I have this "mother" figured out, my life gets shaken and I find myself back in uncertianty.

And as you say at the end, I'm finding it becomes more and more about God and I. No one fits in the math. I'm not looking for what others want or what the easy answer might be, but I'm in honest relationship with him. It looks messy, it looks like my spiritual life has some how gone to "pot", but it hasn't, I'm in growth and I'm being honest. How often when we are in the "know" do we become cocky and if we look no growth, no new strength in our faith. I guess I've been living in the deep question for about a year now, maybe longer, sometimes I think I must look so weak to others, but then I look to God and I see I'm stronger.

good stuff, Drew! Thanks!!!!

I created a Slide Show! Check it out!

2006-06-10T13:32:00.000-04:00

Just A Personal Word

2006-05-17T23:09:00.000-04:00

Alright, so I'm doing this public and it will embarrass the fire out of her, but I don't care. ;)

Jade, thanks for our talk today. You have no idea how much it floored me and helped me. You are an amazing person and I want you to know you gave me strength today.

You Say

2006-05-17T22:11:00.000-04:00

I have recently gotten into Saving Jane. Anyway, I only get the songs I like, but a friend I passed a song to me when I passed one to her. Anyway, you ask where I'm at. Well, here I am....

You Say

Saving Jane

I've been calling and calling for you

But you answer and I shut my mouth

I've been searching and for you, but myself

I don't want to be found.

You say

I am

You say let go

You say belief

But it's not that easy for me

You say wait

You say right now

Don't you see your already one foot at the ground

You say

I've been wicked and wild and wrong and I've wondered the price of my shame.

I've been hiding my face for so long it's a wonder that you know my name.

You say come home

You say I'm here

You say there's some things you just can't control.

You say let me

You say belief

Why do you search for the answers you already know?

You say

I am the way and the light and the truth

Don't be mislead by the flight of your youth.

Have faith in the things you can't see to belief. what if you had faith in me?

You say rest here

This is your home.

Don't you see that you knew I was here all along?

You say

Angela Shelton

2006-04-15T20:13:00.000-04:00

Hey y'all. Many of you know how I feel about Angela Shelton and her movie "Searching For Angela Shelton". Anyway, it is now going to be shown on
Lifetime April 22, 2006. I really suggest y'all watch if you can. Its really an amazing movie and eye opening. So please, please mark it on your calender.
Here is what the Lifetime website says about it:

Filmmaker Angela Shelton journeys across the United States meeting other Angela Sheltons in an effort to survey women in America. She discovers that, like her, 24 out of the 40 Angela Sheltons she spoke to have been victims of violence. The Angela Sheltons teach the filmmaker about forgiveness, faith and the power of the human spirit, no matter what your name is.

Anyway, I hope y'all look into it.

Later!

2006-04-09T22:45:00.000-04:00

Hey y'all! I'm back from my trip. Very tired. I have been feeling like everything is going by me so fast this week. I almost feel that is how life is right now. I'm going slow on the highway and every thing around me is zooming by. As if everyone is living their life and I'm not. Its a weird place to be.

Anyway, had a good trip. Hope everyone is doing well. Hopefully will be up and blogging again soon. :)

From The Desk of The South

2006-03-22T09:13:00.000-05:00

I'm on vaccation. I'm in Kennett, MO, home of Shreyl Crow. ;) LOL Anyway, just letting y'all know where I'm at if you don't hear from me. I know some have sent me some e-mails and since my parents are on the accient "dial-up" my internet time is short because I just can't take it. LOL

Couple of thoughts and when I get home I will follow up on them....

1. I feel sorry for out kids in church. I don't think they will ever know what to do with God or their faith in the simple places.

2. Racism and mild stupidity is alive and well in the South. I think I've lived in Canada for so long I thought this didn't exist.

Hope all is well.

READY?!?!?!!! O....KAY!!!!

2006-03-19T09:58:00.000-05:00

So this morning I'm dressed and ready. I'm going to a church service. Yes, I said it, I am going to a church service. Don't faint. ;) LOL I'm not sure what to expect, I'm going to a lent service. I have never been to one so I decided to go. We'll how it goes. I'll let y'all know.

Sin?

2006-03-16T10:02:00.000-05:00

picture by James Orah;link on the right for more of his art.

Ok, so on the lines of "sin". Knowing we are all behind that curtain to me is almost comforting. At least I know I'm not a lone in the "sin factor", but here is the deal, I know if I walked out from behind that curtain the others will poke their nose out and judge me. We all know it is true. Its much easier to deal with what is behind our curtain knowing someone else has it "worse" then us. Just a fact of life.

The other side of the coin. What if what we are hiding behind the curtain isn't a sin, but just who we are? God's creation, people who will NEVER reach perfection here on earth. I think we want our list so that we can say what is a sin and what is not. I think it comforts us, because then this whole "sin thing" is under lock and key. We understand it. But what if, what if we all just said, we are sinners who Christ died for. What happens then? The list doesn't matter so much, at least for me. My "sin" doesn't matter as much as knowing I'm a "sinner".

Just something to think about. At least something I have been at least.

Behind The Curtain

2006-03-11T20:27:00.000-05:00

Would it surprise you to know I have a "secret sin"? One that no one knows about. Because of it I feel like the man behind the curtain. I let everyone see the acts, the tricks, the "game", but if you came to the curtain, pulled it back you would see the real me. Controlling what you see, showing just enough of my "true self" so not to really get anyone on my scent. I don't know what I'm going to with this "sin", but its there. It haunts me. I guess, when I'm ready to open the curtain then I will be ready to live life. I guess. I'm not sure any more. Sometimes I feel I live in complete confusion. I guess maybe we all do. I wonder if we just all admitted we are the person behind the curtain. I wonder what would happen. Would it make it easier to open the curtain and be more "real"? Who knows, I guess we may never know.

Over And Over

2006-03-06T19:26:00.000-05:00

I have this song on repeat today. Thought I would share. LOL This is a song by
Nickel Creek, off their album Why Should the Fire Die

"Doubting Thomas"

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath

Besides the folks I've met and the folks who've known me

Will I discover a soul-saving love

Or just the dirt above and below me

I'm a doubting Thomas

I took a promise

But I do not feel safe

Oh me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face

Then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward

If there's a master of death

I bet he's holding his breath

As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I'm a doubting Thomas

I can't keep my promises

Cause I don't know what's safe

Oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth

When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie

Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs

That prove I'm not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs

Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas

I'll take your promise

Though I know nothin's safe

Oh me of little faith

T-Shirts

2006-03-06T00:04:00.000-05:00

Someone asked what I meant about "becoming God". I think the song "T-Shirts" by Derek Webb describes what I'm talking about. I heard it today and so I thought I would post the lyrics. :)

they'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear

they'll know us by the way we point and stare

at anyone whose sin looks worse than ours

who cannot hide the scars of this curse that we all bare
they’ll know us by our picket lines and signs

they’ll know us by the pride we hide behind

like anyone on earth is living right

and isn’t that why Jesus died

not to make us think we’re right
chorus

when love, love, love

is what we should be known forlove, love, love

it’s the how and it’s the why we live and breathe and we die
they’ll know us by reasons we divide

and how we can’t seem to unify

because we’ve gotta sing songs a certain style

or we’ll walk right down that aisle

and just leave ‘em all behind
they’ll know us by the billboards that we make

just turning God’s words to cheap clichés

says “what part of murder don’t you understand?”

but we hate our fellow man

and point a finger at his grave
chorus

they'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear

they'll know us by the way we point and stare

telling ‘em their sins are worse than ours

thinking we can hide our scars

beneath these t-shirts that we wear

Oh, Come ON!!!

2006-03-02T11:05:00.000-05:00

I watched to interviews with Sasha Cohen today. I couldn't help but think as she was putting on her big smile and her lil' speech, "oh, you know I just enjoy the sport, its not about the color of the medal", that I wanted her to say, "you know what it SUCKS. I can't believe a moment in time I worked so hard on..." LOL You know sometimes it would be nice to see that. To know that when you are looking at one of your moments in time where you failed big time and to see someone pubicly say, it SUCKS when you fail. Maybe that is just me, but I'm kind of tired of seeing us dress up "failure".

Broken Hearted

2006-02-28T19:07:00.000-05:00

What do you do when your heart has finally just broken into pieces and you look at God and you wonder....

God, when do I feel the pride of feeling as though I'm winning, that all the things I brought to you were worth EVERYTHING. That for once I laid my head down, because I was so tired and I wake up and what have you done? Why me, why this life? Why now? GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where did you go? I look at what I thought were your feet and its trash bags and what I thought was your thrown is a dumpster. What did you have me wake up to? I look to my right and my enemy is living in the green pastor, safe from harm, safe from the bad things. I look to my left and my friend, is so blessed. They have the love they wanted, they have the security you promised. I look dead center and Lord, what have I awoken to? What is this place? Why didn't you place me on the left or why didn't you place me in the right? Why here? This isn't the life I signed up for.

So I sit here with my heart broken, torn, and I'm lost. I wonder if my life will be the same or if it will be some strange life outside of what I was told I deserved in "church". I'm sure to my enemy and my friend I look shameful and they would be right I feel shameful. At the same time I feel pride. I feel honored in my hell. I just wonder, will God stop for a moment and notice me? Will he stop for a moment and give me the blessing? Or will my life continue to be the one I didn't sign up for? OR can I stop the madness, take the merry-go-round and turn it another way? I think I might. I'm tired of spinning.

Am I?

2006-02-26T10:30:00.000-05:00

Am I not a Christian if I don't confess or speak God's name so many times a day?

Am I not a Christian if I don't step foot into a door of a "church" every Sunday?

Am I not a Christian if I don't keep myself in some sort of bible study?

Am I not a Christian if I take a step and realize I became God, so therefore I keep silent?

Am I not a Christian if I see God in things that aren't "typical"?

Am I not a Christian if I'm not daily speaking against things "Christians" have deemed evil?

Just some questions as of late.

Ok, So Props To Be Given

2006-02-21T13:09:00.000-05:00

I hadn't been to liquidthinking in awhile. I decided to go and see what the guys were up to. See if they could rattle my chain, which if you know them, they are normally good at doing so. HA Anyway, to my surprise they had props to Rick Warren. I almost fell out of my chair, but they had a link to an interview he did on ABC's Nightline. Its worth the watch and I have to say, I liked what Mr. Warren had to say. Yes, that just came out of MY mouth. ;) Check it out. Rick Warren interview

Hoping

2006-02-21T12:56:00.000-05:00

I keep hoping unkymoods is going to come back. LOL I probably should delete the template for it, but I can't bring myself to do so. LOL

Another Music MUST!

2006-02-10T09:11:00.000-05:00

Please look up KT Tunstall. Its another must. I "happened" on her one morning. I watched her perform and I was taken. Amazing. Her song "Black Horse And The Cherry Tree" is something you'll want to download. :) You won't regret it.

Marketing Christianity 102

2006-02-10T08:39:00.000-05:00

Just when you think things have gone from bad to worse they get hellish. I have been getting up ealier the past couple of weeks. Making myself get into a routine, eating breakfast, have a cup o' Joe, and being more overall ready for the day. Part of that has been watching the news. Today I wanted to watch The Early Show because I like watching Survivor and they always have the "newest castoff". So I watch that and they show a promo for the next half hour. In the promo they showed they were going to have a report on "faith based vacations". Well, my interest wasn't peeked I should say, it was annoyed, SO I decided to watch. HA
Well, can I just say we have now entered from "Christian Marketing 101" and class you have moved up to "Christian Market 102". I think we have all heard of the theme park in Florida The Holy Land Experience. (if not click on the name)Apparently their numbers are up and looking to get even more popular. Well, what can I say about that. Not whole lot that none of y'all might not be thinking already. I just watched in wide eyed annoyance and then at the end I scramed and threw a pillow at the screen. This brings me to my full on annoyance and to our class. Apparently there is a Christian Organization that is in Isreal and in talks with Isreal to making a theme park by the Sea of Galilee. You know where Jesus walked on water. Now I just did a look up and my heart is now racing, our "fair" Mr. Pat Robertson is behind this. Click here to read about it.

Guys, when are we going to get it? This honestly makes me want to pound something. I honestly keep seeing this picture of God and Jesus being raped by Pat Robertson and others. How DARE we!!!! How DARE they!!!! Is God so unholy to us that we now have taken it to this? My God forgive us. I mean the I have so many words on this and right now I can't even bring them all together, but to say this is disgusting. I'm ashamed, I'm embarrassed and I'm angry. I'm angry that we have made this culture, I'm angry that we have made God a joke, I'm angry that Christians these days are trying to find ways to market God and make Him unholy, every day, and so many other things. Demons tremble and what do we do? We tremble at ways to market Him. How DARE we....

Google China

2006-01-30T19:26:00.000-05:00

I found this interest. Blake found it and I thought I would share it here.

Apparently Google has expanded into China, but China has made Google put filters on their search engine so that Chinesse people cannot access certian information. Here is the link to read more and what one person is doing about it. :)

Google China

Another Lil' Something...

2006-01-25T13:29:00.000-05:00

from the_soulsurfer at theooze....

well, that didn't work the way I was hoping for. click here

Addiction

2006-01-20T08:03:00.000-05:00

You know when you get an iPod or an MP3 player they should put warning labels on them. "Attention Buyer: Highly addictive due to downloading and finding music". That would be rather nice. ;) I got an MP3 player for Christmas. I think ever since my music obession has grown to new heights. ;)
Here is my list of people y'all need to look up.

Dar Williams: I love her. She an amazing song writer. Folk/Acoustic.
Ben Harper: You'll not find a more diverse artist. I think from blue grass, rock, to good ole' gospel, this guy has it. Fave download: Burn One Down and #3. Oh, forgot another good on is Picture of Jesus.
Amy Ray: The other half of Indigo Girls. I'm really enjoying her album "Prom". Be ready to be challenged, if you have a "anti-gay" thing, don't get this album. I'll just tell ya up front. ;) Fave songs: Let It Ring and Blender
Girlyman: Just another great trio. They have this really cool indie folk sound to them. I can't begin to list my faves of theirs. LOL
Jack Johnson: I love this guy. Very mellow sound. Not sure how to describe it. MUST get: Banana Pancakes!!!!
K.D. Lang: Yeah, I know...LOL BUT her album "Hymns Of The 49th Parallel" is just amazing. Very mellow. Fave songs: The Valley, Simple, and Love Is Everything. But honestly, I love the whole album.
Ray LaMontagne: Just another amazing artist. I couldn't begin to pick a song of his. Just CHECK him out! Very acoustic, kinda mellow, but EXCELLENT!
Nickel Creek: Their newest album "Why Should The Fire Die?" is amazing. not typical Nickel Creek, has taken me a bit to get used to it, but I have to say I really like it.

Anyway, just some great music I have found that I'm really enjoying. I have also really gotten back into Indigo Girls. And let me encourage you to look up Derek Webb's song New Law. Trust me you will not regret it. I still need to go and buy the album, but New Law is amazing. :)

Ok, so there ya go, one thing I have been up to. HA ;)

Bye for now!

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

2006-01-19T17:37:00.000-05:00

You are a Believer

You believe in God and your chosen religion.
Whether you're Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or Hindu..
Your convictions are strong and unwavering.
You think your religion is the one true way, for everyone.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

Where Am I?

2006-01-15T20:59:00.000-05:00

That seems to be the question. Why am I not posting like I used to? What is going on in my head?

Well...not a lot or nothing I feel "safe" to share. Meaning, there are something that I feel best for me to keep in my lil' head. ;)

So, I don't know what to say to y'all. I'm sorry that I have kindof "died out". It was never my intention. Sometimes you look at life and you see it changing before your eyes and you don't know how to react or not react. For me, in some ways I have shut down. I have a closed sign on me and I'm actually ok with it. I have some people in my life that right now need to be and I allow them through the door way and we deal with what is going on in my head and my heart. I don't mean to push any of you away, but honestly, I don't know what else to do. I can't give you anything. I can't give you some great insight. Nor can I promise to even help you on your journey. And I will not pretend I'm wanting to hear anyone give me insight into mine. I'm just here. I don't know what "here" is, but I am.

The thing is, I am disappointed. And how many times can I post on that? I'm frustrated. How many times can I post on that? I'm disillusioned. Again, how many times? I'm angry as hell. Ditto... I have though, found some happiness in this time. God has provided a place for me to wrestle. I'm grateful for it. Its my place and the company he has provided, I pray never goes away. That place, in some ways has given me peace and safety. Although for some they do not see it or feel it, they only see me running, being angry, or whatever, there is a place I can go and be OK.

I don't know what else to say. I'm no where. I'm in a space that is private right now and at times ugly. I'll try to get back to posting regularly. :) I promise to do my best.

All my love and best to you all.

Jewels

Best Thing I Have Seen...

2006-01-06T09:45:00.000-05:00

in awhile, this made me smile....

From the_soulsurfer, who I just love...
The title of the thread was as follows:

god will send gays, democrats, and mac users to hell

Another Must Have!!!

2005-11-18T18:46:00.000-05:00

I have ordered this CD. I really suggest y'all to look into him. He has a blues type sound. Very nice. Check into him. :)

Teen For God

2005-11-07T18:39:00.000-05:00

I have this really great friend who has been helping me broaden my musical horizons. Anyway, she has turned me onto an artist Dar Williams. I really like her alot. She is a folk singer and I'm all about her. Anyway, the first cut on her album is called Teen For God . Anyway, I though I would post the lyrics here, because I think they are words to consider.

The sun burns down living God's bright stamp
At Peace Branch Horse and Bible Camp,
Where we're splashing in the water, joined in song,
Swimming with the spirit the whole day long

I'm a teen for God, and God is watching
I'm a teen for God, and God is watching
I'm a teen for God.

The girls have looks and the girls have rules.
They came here from their Bible Schools.
They can make you pay attention
to the way you dress and eat,
Make you trip over your over your own two feet.
They kneel down on thier towels at night,
Their nightgowns glow with a holy light,
And we pray for the sinners and their drunken car wrecks,
And I vow that I'll never get high and have sex,

I'm a teen for God, and God is watching
I'm a teen for God, and God is watching
I'm a teen for God.

Cause God made every leaf on every tree,
Each grain of sand, God has a plan
for what we're meant to be,
I've got wait for God.

Dear Lord I plan each day
the things I will not do or say,
But I'm driven by a passion is it only there to tame?
It fills my heart and it calls my name, and
This world that you made for us,
I know I know its dangerous,
So I ride a lot of horses, I never ever swear,
It's sort of like praying I'm just not there.

Oh God, God is watching
Oh God, God is watching

But God made love, God made the river run,
And cowboy boots and bathing suits
and the boy's skin dries in the sun.
Help me God.

Help me know four years from now,
I won't believe in you anyhow,
And I'll mope around a campus and I'll feel betrayed,
All those guilty summers I stayed, but
Then I'll laugh I fell for the lure
Oh the pain of desire to feel so pure,
And I'll bear all the burndens of my little daily crimes,
And wish I had a God for such cynical times
Far from today.

But for now I'm your sacred vessel, Rip me open,
I'll spread your world like a milkweed pod,
Yeah I'm your radio station,holy transmission,
Even more like a lightening rod,
A lightening rod, a teen for God.

I'm a teen for God, and God is watching
I'm a teen for God, and God is watching
I'm a teen for God.

How WEIRD Are You?

2005-11-06T22:46:00.000-05:00

You Are 30% Weird

Not enough to scare other people...
But sometimes you scare yourself.

How Weird Are You?

Mockingbird

2005-10-27T23:54:00.000-04:00

I'm so excited, found out that Derek Webb is coming out with a new cd on Dec. 26! Yippee!!! If you want to hear some tracks just click here.

Because Of You

2005-10-26T13:14:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to put this up here for me. LOL Wanted to be able to read the lyrics. :P

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of youI learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurtBecause of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of youI'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of youI learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cryIn the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of youI am afraid
Because of you
Because of you

Pic For A Special Fairy

2005-10-25T15:16:00.000-04:00

Here my sweet fairy enjoy the pic. ;)

For everyone else, this is a pic of me. Its from the ShokWalking Tour last year and Blake kicked our butt at poker. :) I decided to summon the spirit of Phil "Unabomber" Laak. Y'all figure out who is who. ;)

Tired

2005-10-25T13:29:00.000-04:00

I'm tired. I'm tired of fakeness of faith. I'm tired of the fakeness of Christian living. I'm just tired.I don't see God in any of the shit Christians and their institutions try to blow at us. And the thing is, I used to be that. So I'm even tired of myself. I'm tired of the crap I have given people and looking at being embarrassed.I'm tired of battling and fighting. I'm tired of not having a place. I'm tired of ranting. I'm tired of whatever life this is I'm living.I'm tired of pretending we have the answers. I'm tired of knowing I don't have the answers. I'm just tired.I am not the same person I was last last year and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of others having power of me. I'm tired of running from the past and I'm tired of running from my future. I'm tired of hearing people spill out a bunch of crap about how God is great does stuff in their lives as if He is some supernatural giver and the God of the easy life. I'm tired of the God I have had to live with lately. He keeps taking me to places I can't handle any more. I'm tired of being the person in the corner scoffing Christianity and throwing the stones at the institutions. I'm tired of realizing I can't go back to that life.I'm just tired. what does that say about my faith? nothing, but I'm tired. I'm ready to find some people with some kindof substance to their faith instead of some crazy protection layer to their faith.

They

2005-10-23T01:29:00.000-04:00

Sorry, thought I would share one more song. :P

They

by Jem

Who made up all the rules
We follow them like fools
Believe them to be true
Don't care to think them through
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
And it's ironic too
Coz what we tend to do
Is act on what they say
And then it is that way
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
Know all this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
Know all this
Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
That ignorance is bliss
Who are they
And where are they
And how do they
Know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
That ignorance is bliss
And who are they
And where are they
And how can they
Know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

Let It Ring

2005-10-22T23:17:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine, Eli, gave me this song. It kicks butt! But it also says so much that I want to say.

Let It Ring

by Amy Ray (Indago Girls)

When you march stand up straight.
When you fill the world with hate
Step in time with your kind and
Let it ring

When you speak against me
Would you bring your family
Say it loud pass it down and
Let it ring

Let it ring to Jesus ‘cause he sure’d be proud of you
You made fear an institution and it got the best of you
Let it ring in the name of the one that set you free
Let it ring

As I wander through this valley
In the shadow of my doubting
I will not be discounted
So let it ring

You can cite the need for wars
Call us infidels or whores
Either way we’ll be your neighbor
So let it ring

Let it ring
in the name of the man that set you free
Let it ring

And the strife will make me stronger
As my maker leads me onward
I’ll be marching in that number
So let it ring

I’m gonna let it ring to Jesus
Cause I know he loves me too
And I get down on my knees and I pray the same as you
Let it ring, let it ring
‘Cause one day we’ll all be free
Let it ring

Ballad In Red

2005-10-16T01:21:00.000-04:00

I may have posted this before, but who cares. LOL It fits today.

ballad in plain red(words and music by derek webb)

i’m robbing peter, i’m paying paul
i’m changing my name back to saul
i got to them and you know i’ll get to you
i’m turning shepherds into sheep
and leaders into celebritiesit’s holy sabotage, just look around you

‘cause everything’s for sale in the 21st century
and the check is in the mail from the 21st century
don’t want the song i want a jingle
i love you Lord but don’t hear a single
and the truth is nearly impossible to rhyme
but i know the songs with all the hooksand i know some lies that will sell some books
so grab ‘em fast, i’m running outta time
just keep selling truth in candy barson billboards and backs of cars
truth without context, my favorite of all my crimes

what works verses what's right
hey what's the difference tonight?
take out the sign, forget the meal
we’ve got a gym and a farris wheel
i swear it's just like the country club down the block
‘cause you can make your life look good
you can do what Jesus would
but you’d be surprised what you can do with a hard heart

i think you’ve got trouble in the 21st century
so welcome to the struggle, it’s the 21st century
i never thought i’d make it to the 21st century
Lord, i love the 21st centuryi write these words from the grave
‘cause it’s the only place that i’m safe
and only the dead are permitted to speak the truth

Thoughts

2005-10-15T11:38:00.000-04:00

I have to say, y'all are funny. I love the comments on the PEZ thing. I was apart of a internet version of Big Brother at Marcellas Reynold's site. Its called Big Sister. So one of the challanges was to draw a PEZ pic of ourselves. So that PEZ you see is me. ;) LOL I ended up having to quit the game when I accidently looked at some Diary Room. It was a hard decision to make because no one had a way of knowing what I had done, but I decided to play a fair game and to practice what I preach I should quit. So anyway, it was fun while it lasted. Come to find out I was everyone's choice to win. LOL I was kindof proud to find that out. So, now you know what the PEZ was about.
On the flip side of that, there was a guy at the site who liked my play (I guess). Anyway, he thought I got a raw deal. :P It was up for me to come back, but long story short, someone put the kabosh on that. So, he has now started a game as well and has asked me to become apart of it as well. If you interested in watching what happens there go here.

NOW FOR SOMETHING SERIOUS! THIS IS A WARNING IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING UGLY AND MY FEELING ON IT PLEASE DO NOT READ! IF YOU ARE GOING TO USE THIS POST TO ABUSE ME, ABUSE MY WORDS AND MY FEELINGS I ASK TO STOP READING ANY FURTHER! THANK YOU!

Anyway, I will soon share some other things on my mind. I'm trying to get back to doing this every day, but its just hard. Since I know that my blog is being linked to people I think that are abusive I don't want to post stuff that will allow them to abuse more or to even be apart of my journey. If I knew that they would honor my request I think there would be apart of me that would let go, but because they are so abusive and all their actions in the name of good Christian practice or in the name of God make me sick. So I feel that if I don't post here then I still have control over one part of my life. So for once I'm going to pubicly say, if you come here from Shawn Cuthill's site I'm sorry, I don't want you here. And if you are Shawn Cuthill, I want you to stay away from here. If you endorse behavior that ignores people, ignores who people truely are, ignore people trying to live an HONEST life, who have no desire to leave or think outside of the structure of the modern church I don't want you here. This place is a sancturary for those of us who are tired, for those of us who see past lies and the false living.
I have forgiven you Shawn, but you are a dangerous person and until you are able to acknowledge your abusive behavior and your wrong doing pubicly, I don't want any thing to do with you. You have used and abused at your website. You lie there. You pretend to be camac and have used that "name" to do abusive things. You have not allowed yourself to be held accountable to your actions but force others to be held to your strange and abusive moral code. Although it has hurt me and my husband, I forgive you. I really do. But I will not pretend what you did was right and I will not pretend that everything is ok with you. They aren't, but I forgive you because I need to do it for myself, not anyone else.
I'm sorry if I have offended anyone in saying this. I have been living in silence for awhile now and I needed to say it. I needed to get it out. I'm tired of dancing around, I'm tired of pretending, and I'm tired of the power I have allowed the silence me and I'm tired of the power I have allowed by not saying outloud that people are forgiven. If I have offended you, I am sorry, if this makes you uncomfortable, I'm not sorry for that. I have been uncomfortable for a long time now and its time it stopped. I'm willing to deal with things privatly, but this will be my last post on this subject publicly. I have also made comments unavailable here. And I will delete any comments that refer to this in other parts of my blog.

Thank you!

Pic

2005-10-08T10:04:00.000-04:00

Don't ASK!!!

2005-09-24T17:14:00.000-04:00

Am I Fit?

2005-09-17T16:54:00.000-04:00

No, I don't think I'm fit. Today I find myself being hopeful. Some how thinking that I can get out of this depression and mess that I made. I'm so scared though. I'm not sure its possible for me to find a community, but Blake called me out on this as well. If I believe what I talk about then I have to more willing to look for it and not isolating myself as I have. Also by not demanding what package it must come in. Although I know I'm not fit, I'm willing to try and become something new a new fit maybe? Who knows. For some reason I feel hope right now and thought I would share with y'all.

Must, MUST Read!!!!

2005-09-17T12:34:00.000-04:00

I had not been to liquidthinking in awhile. I stopped by today and found two intestesting articles about a book called PyroMarketing. It is very interesting.
Here is the First Article and here is the Second Article. The first one just is a "heads up", the second one is detailed. Anyway, any thoughts? I'm going to read some more and I think I will have some thoughts later.

Screaming And Reaching Out

2005-09-17T09:57:00.000-04:00

I found myself screaming again Thursday night. Blake and I were talking about our church situation and he suggested that we should consider going back to GBC, but he also suggested that we could not go any where because of me. This upset me so much. We kept talking and discussing everything. We started talking or should I say I started talking about those people who I haven't been able to forgive. I became so angry and so wrapped up in the anger I found myself screaming. I realized the reason I was so angry was because God still had not settled everything. I still have not come out right. I still have not come out happy. No, I have come out bitter, angry, depressed, and enraged. I found myself back to the point where I have posted so many times. Only this time more angry and more enraged.
I'm angry at those people. I'm angry that they have gotten away with the gossip. I'm angry that one of them is in leadership at GBC, Elders know what they have done, and no punishment has been given. No, I get to sit here with all this anger and all this hurt. I'm angry that their lives go on and unchanged by it all. Yet my life has been effected in ways I cannot begin to express. Yes, I realize fully that I need to forgive them and at this point any problems I'm having is more me then them at this point. I understand that, its logical, but I'm not there. Or I guess I am, but its hard to get my heart to understand it.
Blake thinks I'm better then this. He sees the old Julie and remembers what she was like. I wish I knew what he saw and I wish I knew how to reach down inside myself to get there again. Blake is right about one thing, we are back in kindergarten, we are at square one. The thing is what do I do here? I don't know what move to make. I have tried one move and I don't know what the results will be. I have reached out to someone, it will most likely blow up in my face, I wish I could explain the fear I have in reaching out to a physical body, asking to be around someone that I'm not sure how they even perceive me now, but I have done it. I have reached out and I'm scared as hell of what the result will be. Anyway, I have stuck my arm out and I guess we will see what happens next.

Thank You...

2005-09-15T19:10:00.000-04:00

This is a picture from Al's area in Ocean Springs. For more pic or wanting updates click here.

News From My Sis

2005-09-15T10:40:00.000-04:00

I found at last night that my sister's trip had been canceled at the last minute. She came on MSN and we talked for awhile. Different things happened and they had to cancel. She is very disappionted. In her words its been like a grieving process. She wanted to go help people and be an encouragment to the people. She is however looking for other medical teams that are forming and she has already put her name in the hat. Anyway, just thought I would let you know what was going on. :) Thanks to anyone who was praying for her. Oh, and she said thank you as well. I told her I had posted what she was doing on my blog and told her I had asked for prayers for it.

Blessings!

Word Verification

2005-09-15T10:37:00.000-04:00

I hope it isn't too much of a pain, but I have added word verification to the comments. I'm getting tired of putting up a new post and then just seconds later there being spam there. They say this cuts it down so I'm going to try it. :)

Where Is She?

2005-09-13T15:39:00.000-04:00

I couldn't remember what city my sister was going to be at and I recieved some stuff about her and they had it on there. For specific prayers, my sister is in Bay St. Louis, Mississippi. I hear this place is in total devestation. There ar not many houses standing. Anyway, pray for her, her teams, and others safety while there. I would and I know she would appreciated the prayers. Remember to pray for the victims/survivors. Remind people that there is a place called the Gulf Coast of Mississippi that needs just as much attention as New Orleans and encourage them to pray and help where they can to those people.

Blessings!

E-Mails

2005-09-12T16:58:00.000-04:00

Hey!
Some of y'all have sent me e-mails and I have rudely not answered. I'm sorry for this. It may even only compound my rudeness by doing this here and not sending a personal e-mail and I'm sorry for that. I think or hope you will understand.
I wanted y'all to know I'm sorry I have not responded to e-mails. The reason I have not is because I honestly don't even know how to respond. I'm so grateful for your kindness and your thoughts you have given. When I try to respond it comes out all wrong or sometimes I just cannot. Sometimes the stuff I'm about to say are just lies and I don't know how to type out what I'm really thinking, so to "save face" I just don't reply at all.
I have good days, I have bad days. For the most part I feel I have to put out a lot of energy just to get up in the morning. It used to only take me an hour to get ready, if even that and I find it taking me at least 2 to get ready. The energy isn't there. Other days though it is easier, but I still feel the monkey on back or the cloud over me. I find my greatest joy just being with my husband. Unfortunately I'm not finding that in God right now. I just don't know how to do that any more. Every thing I used to do just seems fake and false.
I'm still dealing with anger with people in my past. Yesterday one of their names came up in a conversation with my in-laws. I tried to hide my anger, but I think it was easy to see things are far from ok. Blake and I got in the car and I found myself verbally cutting them again. In some ways it just awakened the demons of church that are around as well.
Anyway, that is where I'm at. I'm sorry I'm not responding to y'all. Know that I'm truly thankful for them though.

Prayer Request

2005-09-11T23:59:00.000-04:00

Hey y'all. :)

My sis is heading down to Mississippi for several days to help out. She is a nurse and is going down with others to relieve other nurses. Pray for safty, peace in the middle of chaos, and pray God uses her in special ways. She is a wonderful person. I can't beleive sometimes we came out of the same gene pool. LOL Anyway, if you could pray for my sister and her team I would really appreciate it.

Blessings!

Benefit Concert

2005-09-08T21:51:00.000-04:00

CBS,NBC,and ABC will be airing a benefit concert for the Hurricane victims.

An Update

2005-09-08T16:12:00.000-04:00

I'm putting this update from Al here. I don't know who is getting them from him and I know there are those of you who don't know Al, but I thought I might be interested in knowing what is going on first hand.
I honestly don't know what to do. Posting these and informing people feels like I'm at least helping in some way. I feel as though maybe one person will read this and find away to help after that. Being up in Canada feels so helpless. I keep thinking if I were in Arkansas I could do more then what I have done. Anyway, if some of you are looking for away to help I hope to encourage to look into maybe helping Al or giving money to the Red Cross.
Just to let y'all know Al is a huge inspiration to me. He started the Paragould, AR Habitat For Humanity, he even got us on Oprah. ;) Anyway, he has now started on in Ocean Springs. He and Jody have lived lives of servants and he only shows it even more in this time. Anyway, here is the update from Al. Blessings!

DAILY UPDATE: Wednesday, September 7

MONEY MATTERS: Many have asked where to send checks.
Our immediate cash needs are good right now thanks to
the generosity of many. Our long-term needs will be
great, so I think it will be safe to send it to our
P.O. Box if you would like: it is P.O. Box 34, Ocean
Springs, MS 39566. Also, the Gateway Church of Christ
is coming regularly to work, and they have agreed to
transport checks earmarked for specific churches over
to the Mississippi Gulf Coast. Either option would be
good.

WORKERS: We are overwhelmed by the response to our
cries for help. We have groups scheduled to come in
over the next two weeks that would blow your mind.
There is a group of 60-70 coming from the Memorial
Road Church of Christ in Oklahoma City tomorrow night,
plus a group of 30 from Nashville Saturday morning,
plus a group of 15-20 from Huntsville this weekend to
run us out of our auditorium and give us a break in
there for the weekend. Groups from Ohio, Arkansas,
Florida, and Illinois are on their way as well, and
that’s just this weekend! I’m not in front of my “war”
chalkboard right now, so I know I am missing some. We
have met the most wonderful people in the world this
week – people from Florida, Tennessee, Arkansas, and
Alabama. It is simply overwhelming.

We are willing to farm workers out to our sister
churches and our community when we can, and we know of
around 130 workers or so that will spend the night
here Saturday night. We’ll be getting to know each
other really well! Plus, we can’t wait for the sound
of our worship service on the front lawn this Sunday
at 9:30am. Last week, we met on the highway with power
trucks rolling by and helicopters passing overhead,
watching us praise God together. I know this Sunday
will be awesome. I’ll try not to cry through my entire
sermon this week, I promise…

SUPPLIES: The supply trucks have been overwhelming. We
are so thankful. We are going to get out of the
clothing business, however, and we have had a surplus
of water for a while now. The Ocean Springs churches
have a distribution center set up downtown, and we
will be taking all the clothing donations there. They
are simply becoming a hindrance for our efforts to
serve others. That should help a lot. I’ve heard it
said that canned goods are our greatest need at
present. Our community is hungry, and canned goods go
the fastest. We have chosen to continue to serve our
hungry neighbors instead of shifting that
responsibility to someone else. Our church building
location is so obvious to those looking for help, and
we are meeting 100s of people every day. Talk about
opportunities!

THANK-YOUS: I can’t start naming names. It would be
impossible. I want to tell lots of stories, but I
would leave people out. It all began when a ministry
from South Florida showed up a week ago Tuesday at
noon, just hours after the storm had passed. Their
trucks were loaded before the storm had even passed,
and they hit the road looking for people to serve.
That was a fitting beginning. It has not stopped yet.
Thank you to everyone, for everything.

APOLOGIES: I am sure we have screwed up in 1000s of
ways. Some I have noticed. Most I have not. We are too
stressed and overwhelmed, and there is too much work
in our faces to deal with right now. Please forgive us
for anything mishandled so far, and please be prepared
to forgive us in advance for the ways we’ll fail in
the future. This is the most overwhelming thing I have
ever faced in my life. I have never been in a real war
zone, but this has to be similar. We have gone
non-stop every day, and we’ve not had time to find the
manual for how to deal with all this – so please
forgive me personally, and our congregation if we’ve
offended or insulted anyone. I can say without a doubt
– from a first-hand perspective – that we are worn out
from doing our best. As Luther once said, “Here I
stand. I can do no other.”

TODAY: We almost had a chance to catch our breath
today. Not really, but a little bit. I’ve been
sleeping in the floor in my office, and last night a
group from Nashville arrived just as I had lain down
to sleep. It was my earliest night in bed yet
(11:30pm) when they knocked on the door. These
wonderful brothers from the Harpeth Hills Church of
Christ, seven in all, are amazing people, however.
They worked the chainsaws today in Gulfport. We were
sad to see Dan, our new friend from Pensacola, move on
today. His motorcycle ran out of gas in Gautier a week
ago after dark in an attempt to get to Gulfport and
help people with his church (not a Church of Christ).
One of our members picked him up, and he was a little
scared. He has worked his tail off with us non-stop
ever since. What a wonderful person he is. He has had
Bible studies with some of our guys, and we have made
a new friend. He left today to go further in to the
devastation. He left his laundry, so he’ll have to
stop back by! The “Hammer Heads” from Mayfair Church
of Christ in Huntsville, Alabama, left today, too, but
not before putting the roof on our very tall building.
They were finished, as usual, quicker than anyone
expected, and asked if they could fix our awning and
youth house roof as well. So they did. Quickly. The
two awesome ladies from Robertsdale, Alabama, once
again dove in to work in our supply business –
tirelessly. Our friend from the Scenic Hills Church in
Pensacola is still here! He has stayed on by himself
and just busted it every single day. Oh yeah, a neat
moment happened today when a guy showed up from Mobile
with his pop-up hunting camper for use by anyone who
could use it. His wife took great pains in stocking it
with everything a family of four would need, including
teddy bears and a wonderfully sweet note. People are
so good. We had a great supper tonight. Thanks to
having to cook everything back when the power was out,
followed by the generosity of our brothers and
sisters, we have eaten well. My motto has become,
“Only the best for our homeless people!!!” Things have
settled down now. It is approaching 10:30pm. The
Nashville 7 are the only ones with us tonight, though
we’re expecting a group of 12 from Ohio to possibly
roll in tonight. Herman & Samantha Bosarge, and Gene
Logan and myself are sleeping at the building again to
let them in if they show up late.

TOMORROW: The Nashville 7 (Harpeth Hills) will make us
very happy at the crack of dawn when they load up all
the clothing mess we have up front and take it to the
distribution center downtown. They then plan to go
back to Gulfport and finish what they started today.
If the Ohio group arrives, there are two flooded
houses that we need to gut first. They will be in for
a nasty day. We’re also expecting groups in tomorrow
from Pensacola and Fairhope, Alabama. Two guys from
Russellville, Arkansas, are headed in tomorrow, too –
plus the 60-70 people from Oklahoma City on their way
in a charter bus along with a tractor-trailer full of
supplies and more!!! What a day!!!

NEEDS: We are doing awesome in terms of money,
workers, and supplies. But we’ve only just begun.
There is no single overwhelming need at present – just
more of the same.

Many people have offered places of refuge for our
folks here. To this point, we’ve had absolutely no one
interested in getting away. We are so thankful for the
offer, but our folks are rolling up their sleeves and
getting to work. Should we need to take you up on your
offer, we’ll let you know.

OUR 20 FAMILIES WHO HAVE LOST THEIR HOMES: *I took the last names out*
- Kathryn, with her husband, Al
- Bernice, a widow
- Cathy, and her teenage son, Patrick
- Shannon & Jessica
- Mike & Patti
- Herman & Samantha, with their sons, Gavin
(1st grade) and Chase (preschool)
- Tandy & Peggy
- Pike & Becky, and their son, Jarek (1st
grade)
- Ryan & Barb
- Todd & Robin, and their four children: Tyler
(teenager), Connor (3rd grade), Brynlee & Jaxon
(pre-school)
- Juan & Charlene, and their two children,
A.J (preschool) and brand new baby Sarah (2 weeks old)
- Mary Benton, plus her husband and pre-school
daughter, Mackenzie
- Dirk & Christine, and kindergarten son,
Mason
- James & Stephanie, and four teenagers
(Brittany, Matt, Joey, J.J.)
- Sam & Kelli, and pre-school daughter, Hannah
- Tracy & Shanna Havard, and three children: Freddy
(3rd grade), Tristen (1st grade), and Emily
(pre-school)
- Daniel & Ashley, and baby girl, Charley
- Eric & Amanda, and sons Travis (3rd grade)
and Gabriel (baby)
- Steve & Alia, and daughters, Jolee & Kira
(pre-school)
- Al & Jody Sturgeon, and daughters, Erica (teenager)
and Hillary (3rd grade)

OUR SISTER CONGREGATIONS: Many have asked for contact
information about our sister congregations. I’ve not
acquired numbers for all of them just yet – if you
have some, please let me know. As for now, here’s the
list:
- Long Beach (Cleveland Avenue): 228/223-9967
- Gulfport: 228/868-9267
- Pascagoula (Central): 228/324-0576
- Orange Grove: 228/861-0842
- Picayune & Bay St. Louis: 601/798-6437
- Vancleave: 228/219-0856
- Rodenberg (Biloxi):
- Division Street (Biloxi):
- Meridian Street (Moss Point):
- Eastside (Ocean Springs):
- Gautier:

OUR COMMUNITY: Ocean Springs, despite the coverage,
took hard hits from Katrina. Front Beach, East Beach,
and Belle Fountaine Beach all look like bomb
explosions. Lives have been lost, but there is no
official number that I know of. My entire area (1000
houses or so) was flooded. The city, however, is
coming back on-line a bit quicker than others. We have
power at the church.

I got to tell our newly-elected mayor that she was on
CNN after the storm. Her mother reported her as
missing, and I heard it on satellite radio. I went to
City Hall to tell her, which she found amusing. She
hoped her mother used a good picture.

The churches of Ocean Springs have secured a warehouse
to serve as a distribution center. We’re sending our
clothes there, and its available for use if we have
far too much delivered at once, but they only accept
donations from 8am – 5pm.

CONTACT INFORMATION: At the church building:
228/875-7811

MISCELLANEOUS: Please feel free to post any of this in
places/blogs that you think appropriate.

Please feel free to forward to everyone in your
address book that might be interested. The address for
your contacts to subscribe is:

OceanSpringsChurchofChristHurricane-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Thank you for your prayers and help.

We’ll be in touch every day.

Yours to count on,
Al

Stories To Focus On

2005-09-07T11:09:00.000-04:00

I found this on TallSkinnyKiwi today. Click Here

Also my friend Al Sturgeon has opened a Yahoo Group for updates of relief efforts and various other things happening in his area. If anyone is interested post a comment and I will gladly get it to you.

Please pray for all the volunteers and all those they are serving. I heard from someone yesterday that just got back from Houston. She spent her whole weekend there and she said that the sadness and despair is so heavy there. She said at least she could get away from it and go home, but the victims cannot, as well as the "full time" volunteers. Anyway, just pray and give as you can.

No Emotions

2005-09-06T19:51:00.000-04:00

All the politics have sucked out any emotion I had for New Orleans. I'm really frustrated with it all. There are lives that need attention and all we get to hear is who fault all this is. It would even seem it wasn't a hurricane that caused this mess it was others. No one wants to just deal with the mess they just want to point fingers and demonize whom ever seems to be a guilty party. So I almost feel I have no emotion about it any more. I have friends who have been effected and the worry I have/had for them is still there. But the over all feelings I have for this is just plain not caring. I don't want to hear the bitching and see people who are in a high stress situation put in a higher one by giving them false facts and giving their high stress opinion thought. I know this isn't a popular opinion and I'm sure I have offended at least one person saying this, but when we turn complete devastation into a political tool we have problems.

With all this there has been one ray of hope. General Honore.
This man stood up for what was right and that was the people who were devastated and those trying so hard to help the devastation. I completely respect this man and at the end of the day he is only ray of hope I have seen in such a mess. If you haven't read any thing about him here is a link to an article on him and what he is doing in New Orleans. Click Here

Anyway, I hope we get to the task at hand and focus on the lives instead of the politics and one upping. There is a time for everything, but playing the blame game isn't helping anyone.

Hurrican Pictures

2005-09-05T18:19:00.000-04:00

These are pics from Al in Ocean Springs:
This is outside Al and Jody's church:

This is outside of his church:

This slab was a light house for another church in Ocean Springs:

This one of Al's church members seeing his house for the first time:

This is another veiw of the member's house:

Inside Al's house. He said he and Jody didn't actually think to ever put the fridge there ;):

These are volunteers in Al's area:

My Space

2005-09-05T18:01:00.000-04:00

I have joined myspace.com. I'm not sure why! LOL I guess something different to be apart of. I saw it with some others so I thought I would join in.
Click here to join! :P I'm making it my This Isn't The Life I Signed Up For! *LIGHT EDITON* ! LOL Anyway, we shall see what it turns out being.

Blessings!

Bigger Problems

2005-09-04T23:59:00.000-04:00

I'm reminded that my problems are so small to what is really going on. I have friends who have been effected by the hurricane. Al and Jody live in Ocean Springs, Mississippi. Which was in the line of fire of Katrina. They have lost every thing. Although there are others who are worse off then them, they still are left with not alot. Al from what I hear has been using this experience for God's glory and there is nothing more encouraging to hear that. Anyway, I just thought I would remind y'all that if you are able to help out where you can with the victims of the hurricane please do so. Matter of fact I have a college friend I have been trying to find out about as well. She is from New Orleans orginally and I only assume she is still living there because she has such strong roots there. I have to say I haven't been able to remove myself from this one, because I have faces I can close my eyes and see. Once again just like 9/11 its personal and I pray for those friends daily.

If any of you would like to support someone directly like Al or if you know Al and his family and do not have their information just e-mail me and I will gladly forward the information.

Blessings!!!

Not The Same

2005-09-04T14:41:00.000-04:00

She watched the group of people. They were singing and swaying their hands back and forth to the music. The leader kept singing, "hallelujah to the Lamb". She watched him and she watched the people and none of it made sense to her any more. She closed her eyes and allowed her mind take her back to a time that it did. She remembered being up on that stage, just like the man and leading the singing. At the time it made sense. At the time it was right. She slowly opened her eyes and looked around, shook her head, it doesn't make sense any more. It doesn't seem right any more. I'm not the same, she slowly seemed to understand what that meant.

I'm not the same. Today we drove by our old church. The cars were packed in and apart of me longed to be in that church. Another part of me didn't. Unsafe people lie within that building. People that have knowingly turned their back to pain they have caused and still have not acknowledged it are there, leading the church even. I couldn't walk back in there.

Today while Blake we sleeping I turned on some random channel on the t.v. It ended up having some kindof CCM Festival. I watched the crowds and I watched the performers and I realized I don't understand that lifestyle any more. On top of which I realized I don't fit in that lifestyle. And it brought me back to our old church and it made me think about the church we were visiting for awhile.

I'm not the same any more. I don't know that I will ever be able to walk into a building of Christians again. The buildings for me have become like a warning signal. "DON'T ENTER!!!! DANGER DANGER!!!!" The symbol they hold is a fake reality, a small world view, a small God view, a sheltered view, a hate for community, a hate for hurt people, and the hate for honesty. Some of you shake your head and you think, "oh, not my church. not me. if you knew me..." No you see I know you. I was you. I didn't understand people who could not enter a church. I looked down upon them. Thinking they must have this horrible relationship with God, the whole time hiding the horrible one I had, thinking that if only they joined in they would be enlightened and things would change. I don't see that any more. I stand outside the mass and I see the mess. I look down at myself and I see the scars of years of my own denial, but others denial as well.

So now I'm out here. I look around. I long to be in, but knowing if I do I die. I don't know too many people who understand what it is like to try to enter back in and when others realize you aren't the same the second rejection does to you. I had that situation. And although it was not the visiting church, it was too closely tied to what had happened. I haven't been able to get myself to go back there since. When I think about them, I think about the message that was told from the pulpit or I think about the person who kept harping and telling my husband to change.

Right now I just need a community to walk into and just be ok. That my husband is ok. Where he is not judged as a smarty pants and needs to be cornered and shutup until he fits their standards. Where I can cry about the hurt of my words being tangled and mangled for someone's gain. Where I'm not some "hot property" to add to someone's community, but as a soul who is on the journey, looking for other souls who are there as well. Where the gossip doesn't exist and the history of its pain is not there. I want to sit in a community and see something real. Not the fake "Sunday smile". I can't take that smile. Where I can say that I have struggled to even bother to read the bible and even try to speak a prayer is ok. To look into someone's eyes and see that they understand that pain, that frustration, and that journey. A community where the words, "well, the bible says so" or "what does the bible say" does not exist. The raping of the bible is frowned upon, but honest looking into God's word is taken seriously and no one is looking to behold the ultimate truth, but just wanting to behold The Truth (for those who don't understand that, then I suggest move on from this post). Where all voices are welcome. Not the voices of some, but all the deep readers, the shallow thinkers, the dreamers, the logical, the illogical, and so many more come together and form the a journey, a journey towards Christ.

I don't think that community exists. Its what I want. Its what I need and I know others need it as well. I have been shown, at least in "my world", that people don't want it to exist. They want to be kept in their huddles. The thing is I heard the "break" and I have broken out of the huddle. I've been out of it for a long time and I'm still wondering where the play is going to be made. I have my hands ready for the ball, I have my ears open for the call, and to be honest I'm wondering if I just misheard. I feel as though I was awoken from a good dream and I look around me and what I thought I was being called to was some big mistake. I don't know who God is. Y'all I can't even begin to tell you any more what he wants or where he is going. To be honest, I'm just another "dork" waiting. I don't behold all answers of God like I used to think I did. All I hold any more are questions and anger. That is it. That is all I've got, period. Nice, huh? Boy and you thought this build up was to something. Nope, it wasn't. Its just to here and this is where I'm at. Ugly isn't it? Lonely too. I even have realized I have taken some steps back, because when you have friends telling you, "man can you tell me before hand if I get on your bad side?" you know things are pretty bad. At this point I don't know what else to be. Everything else didn't work. Faking it till I made it failed. Being real, well that got me and my husband booted. Heck, speaking it out loud into reality hasn't helped either.

I'm not the same any more. I'm different. I'm not fit. I'm far gone. And what does all that mean? All I know is, I'm outside the mess. You figure everything else out from there.

Can't Stop Thinking

2005-08-29T20:15:00.000-04:00

I can't stop thinking about this short animated movie. Its only 3 minutes or so. Check it you:

Ryan

Don't Loose Ground

2005-08-24T12:57:00.000-04:00

Don't loose ground. Keep pushing forward. Can't stay still. Don't let the fear over take you. Its still there, but ignore it. Its better this way. Keep busy. Keep your mind filled. Don't loose footing. Just keep focused on what is ahead of you. You see the darkness, but there is light. Don't fall for the false light keep pushing forward. Ignore the chains that are on you. Just push. Don't reach for the hand. That hand is false. Don't trust. No, don't ask questions. Mask on. Ready for the day.

On The Light Side

2005-08-23T12:33:00.000-04:00

I'm addicted to Shoppers Drug Mart. It started off small. I found a foundation there that just rocked my world. Then it turned into more. I found a facial cleanser, then a moisturizer, then an exfoliter and it kept going. It has now reached to even my hair products. I am now fully a Shoppers Drug customer.
Now what does not help this obessession is their magazine you get when you sign up for their Optima Card (points card for purchases there). The magazine shows me all kinds of different things that my eyes all a flutter. In this months addition they had Miss Universe, she is from Canada, Quebec I believe, anyway, her eyeshadow is so pretty on the cover. And of course my makeup addiction, which does not help my Shoppers addiction, went into over drive. I admit I used to be a Wally World addict, but since moving to Canada I find their Wally Worlds less then up to parr. So I guess I have found my new place to walk through and goo goo over stuff. LOL So I thought I would list the things I have bought there over time and tell of the things that I think are worth for you checking into. Now unfortunately I think some of this stuff is Canadian only, so I'm sorry my US friends. :P

Marc Anthony Hair Products. I ran out of my shampoo and thought I would try something new. I found his products and they are great. I use his shampoo and conditioner for Brunettes. Its great stuff. And if you have fine hair, his conditioner won't weigh your hair down.
Avene-Diroseal. I have problems with red checks. I'm not sure what its from. I can only think its from my sensitive skin. Anyway, this stuff is for localized redness. It works wonders! Amazing stuff.
Biotherm/Biosource. This is an exfliant for your face. Its wonderful as well. I only use it once a week. It has done wonders for me and I love it. I also used their Aquasource moisturizer. Another amazing product.
Last, Modele. Its a collagen lip treatment. Now, I wasn't using it for the collagen, although I do need it. LOL I love the fullness I now see, but I like the feel of my lips. Anyway, this what they say, "Reduces the appearance of wrinkles up to 30%, Improves hydration up to 60%, Restores volume up to 40%" I have noticed they hydration and the wrinkles. I am seeing more volume, but I don't know if its just me seeing it, LOL, so I'm not going to say at this point. LOL

Anyway, I just thought I would have a light moment and a girlie moment. I just needed a moment to look at something other then the junk around me. :P

Hope y'all are well! Blessings!!!

What Is The Difference?

2005-08-21T17:35:00.000-04:00

Tell me what is the difference?
I heard someone say the other day:

"I did not lie, I just took back my word"

thoughts?

I Stand Amazed

2005-08-21T01:11:00.000-04:00

I keep hearing this song tonight in my head. Thought I would share it here until I figure out why I'm thinking about it. :P

I stand amazed in the presence
of Jesus the Nazarene,
and wonder how he could love me,
a sinner, condemned, unclean.
Refrain:
How marvelous! How wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
How marvelous! How wonderful
is my Savior's love for me!

2. For me it was in the garden
he prayed: "Not my will, but thine."
He had no tears for his own griefs,
but sweat-drops of blood for mine.
(Refrain)

3. In pity angels beheld him,
and came from the world of light
to comfort him in the sorrows
he bore for my soul that night.
(Refrain)

4. He took my sins and my sorrows,
he made them his very own;
he bore the burden to Calvary,
and suffered and died alone.
(Refrain)

5. When with the ransomed in glory
his face I at last shall see,
'twill be my joy through the ages
to sing of his love for me.
(Refrain)

This hymn is my Dad's favorite hymn. It came to mind as well. :)

Purer in heart, O God, help me to be;
May I devote my life wholly to Thee:
Watch Thou my wayward feet,
Guide me with counsel sweet;
Purer in heart, help me to be.

Purer in heart, O God, help me to be;
Teach me to do Thy will most lovingly;
Be Thou my Friend and Guide,
Let me with Thee abide;
Purer in heart, help me to be.

Purer in heart, O God, help me to be;
Until Thy holy face one day I see:
Keep me from secret sin,
Reign Thou my soul within;
Purer in heart, help me to be.

Husband And Wife

2005-08-17T11:28:00.000-04:00

For awhile now I have been trying to do a post about being husband and wife. I kept messing it up and I hope I get it right this time.

When your single and you look at married couples you don't understand what it is to be married. In some ways, being a women you make it a romantic thing in your head. Then when you meet "the one" it becomes another layer, it becomes something else. The words escape me right now. You enter the honeymoon stage. Marriage is fresh and new. The body that is next to you is exciting and all the new things you are experiencing is rich. Then time passes and you wonder how you will get back to those times. But then something new blooms.

You see since I have been married I have been living in fear. I don't know what of. Maybe Blake leaving. Maybe of things being too perfect and nothing has ever been perfect for me and as soon as they seem to look perfect they fall apart. So I guess in some ways I created drama or things to be afraid of so that I wouldn't lose him. As long as there was this push and pull I knew he was there. I realized today, the sweetness of marriage. The sweetness of husband and wife.

Being husband and wife isn't some legal thing, it isn't a piece of paper, and it isn't some construct that we abide by. Husband and wife is a dance. Its having this sweet intimate dance with one person. Experiencing the richness of all that life has to offer together. If one partner holds out the dance isn't as sweet. If one looks at marriage as just something to do, they miss the beauty of the dance. If one lives in fear of the dance it becomes strained and it holds the other partner back from having the flow and the softness of the steps. Marriage isn't an individual sport, it can't be. Marriage is two people coming together, giving up some of their rights to the other so that they may dance beautifully together.

Blake, my love, I'm sorry I've held our dance back. I'm sorry you wanted to go one way, but the fear of the moving my feet kept us back. I'm ready to dance with you. I know right now the music is foreign to us and I know there is such sadness around us, but I want to take your hand again and start the gentle steps towards a life of dancing together. I know I have disappointed you along the way, but I'm ready to dream and I'm ready to dance. Will you take my hand and join me too? I love you.

I Don't Know I Believe It

2005-08-15T01:51:00.000-04:00

I keep hearing:

Life is hard but God is good

I just don't know where that fits in my life right now. Sounds strange to say that out loud.

Where Have I Been?

2005-08-14T22:06:00.000-04:00

Where have I been. That has been asked alot lately. How do I explain it.

I have been in a dark place. I still am.

The dark has come around me and I don't know how to get out. I feel the depths of my deeds and the depths of the things I have done wrong. I have been running from my past and I have been running from my future. All I know is that the dark has come and I haven't been able to find my way out.

So this where I have been and this is where I'm at. How do I write things that would only be fake. Things that wouldn't be true. I hate lies, but lies have been my life, but for here. This has been my place of honesty and right now I don't want to admit the lows I have been to. I don't want to take off this one mask that has protected me even if it hurts me at least its a mask that makes me look like I'm together. So how do you write durning a time like this? I don't know. I have calling for evils in my life to justice and the whole time God was calling me to it. So now I'm called and now I'm caught. I'm being called to justice and I can't deal. The conviction is too deep and God's love is too much. How do I write that?

So again, this is where I am, this is where I have been. I'm ready to stand, but I'm ready to give up.

Intellect

2005-08-03T15:49:00.000-04:00

I keep thinking about the world and the church are so different. I think there should be some differences but I'm thinking of differences that are damaging.

I have been watching Big Brother 6. One thing about this year is that they have a couple of people who are very smart. They are even called intellectuals or referred to as very smart. There is a respect there for that persons thoughts and knowledge. I find it interesting. They all know they are at different levels of intelligence,but yet have a high respect for one another in that sense.

I have always felt that Big Brother was a social experiment and in a lot of ways does speak about where we are at as humans. So this year I see a respect factor going on. I was to the point that I was thinking even the world doesn't respect thinkers and those who hold a lot of knowledge, but this show is showing me wrong.

So with that I come to the church and I see the cancer that is spreading through out our "family". I find it interesting the lack of respect that we give to those that we think are smarter than us. Instead of finding away to work together and finding away to celebrate who we are as individuals, we find way to tear them down. We automatically think these people are trying to look down on us. They are trying to make us feel stupid. When in reality that is only "our truth", it is our perceived truth. Our truth tells us that these people must be reined in, they should be cornered so that they have no "power" or can in any way make us feel less than. All the while we are doing what we accuse the intellects of doing. We don't want them to quiet us down, well, we will quiet them down. Yet you look at the world around us. You see a celebration and a respect for those who are "smarter than us", we see their value and we give them a mic to speak their voice. I think the church has a lot to learn from the world. Yes I just said it. Deal with it. ;)

Worldchill

2005-07-31T00:13:00.000-04:00

I was at Jordan Cooper's blog tonight and someone mention Coke Zero. I had not seen it here so I decided to look it up. In doing so I found something really cool:

check it out

A Book I Must Have

2005-07-30T19:56:00.000-04:00

I could use this book! ;) Sounds like a cute book. Just happened upon it tonight.

Where Do We Go From Here?

2005-07-30T13:20:00.000-04:00

Sorry I haven't been saying much lately. I just haven't had alot to say. :P I have also been kindof bogged down with thoughts and life.
One thing I keep asking mysel is, where do we go from here? I feel lately I'm in a rut. I don't know if its because we haven't found a place to be or what. I think it is mostly due to the fact that Blake and I aren't firmly in a community, so in a way we are isolated.
But and this a big one, I don't want to sacrifice what we have come to know for something that isn't what is best. I'm longing for community none the less. Needing some connection with the outside world besides the one in our four walls and the ones at work. This journey has been a good one. One that I wouldn't trade for the world. I have watched my husband and I become even closer in friendship and love for one another. Before we were growing apart and just hurting so much, but now we are more of a team, a stronger team.
But this still leaves me with, where do we go from here? I guess I'm ready to know. I'm getting restless and I'm feeling the tightness of this cacoon. Something tells me its time to break out of it, but what happens when I decide to come out of this one? I don't know. I guess its kindof like being a teenager again. You know its time to graduate from Highshcool, ready to leave home, but at the same time wanting to cling to all that you have known. So this is where I'm at. In a warm shell, but ready to break free, yet wanting to hold on tight. :P

Free IPOD

2005-07-30T11:27:00.000-04:00

I signed up for a free IPOD today. Kindof cool deal. I couldn't help but want to see if it is a legit. I checked into it and apprently its on the up and up. Anyway, if your interested you can link to it from this title or by the banner at the bottom.

Interesting...

2005-07-30T09:55:00.000-04:00

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.

What is Your World View? (updated)

Oh, Your American....

2005-07-25T19:18:00.000-04:00

I'm so frusterated today. I since working here I have been slowly disguising my accent. I just find I get a better reaction from people, but I also don't have to repeat myself a lot. Anyway, today I guess I haven't done as good of a job. I have had several different vendors refuse to help me with a call because I'm American! What makes me mad is because if I sounded Indian or from another country it would not phase them. That is very frusterating to deal with. I can only change my accent so much, but it really pisses me off that I even have to!!!! ARGH!!!

I Am Angela Shelton

2005-07-25T17:41:00.000-04:00

I'm a huge advocate of helping prevent abuse and raising awareness of abuse. One thing that I have tried to support to the best of my ability is angelashelton.com. The movie she made is such an eye opener. For me it only drove home what I already knew. Since I have friends and family who have been sexually and physically abused its a personal issue. But I have also worked with young girls and boys who have also been abused. I just found out that Angela now has a blog and I have added it to my links. I really encourage any of you to please educate yourself. I know there are alot of causes out there, but this one is one I truely beleive is worthy and is one who can easily help. I own the dvd and I will gladly let any of you borrow it or order one of your own and share it with others! As well, it looks like Lifetime TV will be airing an updated version, so you will be able to see it there as well in the future. I don't know if any of you have had someone in your life that has felt the effects of being abused, but I can tell you this, it makes you passionette to help out when ever you can or however you can, even if it is something "small".

News From Down Home

2005-07-24T23:37:00.000-04:00

My parents just called me to let me know they made it home safe after going on vacation, but they also let me know one of my Sunday School teachers and baby sitter from West Poin,MS passed away today. She was 41, a mom of 3 children (18,17,12), and a wife. She was a very sweet women. She was one of those women who first influnced me on how to be a Godly girl and to grow up to be a Godly women. Please pray for her family. Please pray for strength but also for a tranistion time for the kids. Her first husband left them and I don't know how much he was apart of thier lives, I only assume they may go and live with him now. I know that there was a really big strain there for along time and again I only guess this is still the case.
Although it has been a long time since I saw Suzette she played a role in my life and I'm saddened by this news. Although it is always good to know she is with our Lord and Savior it still doesn't take away the sting of losing someone.

God bless!

What Genre of Rock Are You?

2005-07-24T21:30:00.000-04:00

Emo! You're very in touch with your emotions and
that's what I like about you! It's all about
the music for you... I have pity for your
tortured soul...you're just like me...

What genre of rock are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

This was fun, found it "listen to this..." (can see it listed in the blog section). So which were you? :)

And btw: I have NO clue what Emo is! LOL Anyone have a definition for me. :P

My Purpose or Whatever

2005-07-24T20:54:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm a mythbuster. I feel as though I'm out there to challenge the myths about the Christian life or Christian Lifestyle. There are myths out there. Christians don't lie, Christians don't cheat, Christians think they have a better handle on life, Christians think they are high than others, and so on. For the most part, Christians only enforce these myths and for a long time I did as well. Lately, I just don't care. I'm a Christian. It is my desire to live a life patterned after Jesus and laid out for me by God. I don't think I'm better than anyone. I just want to walk a real path. I don't want there to be a cloud of lies around me and myths about my life. Although I'm afraid there is a fog around me, more than I like, but it is my desire to live a life that is purely sold out and honest.
With that I find myself being a mythbuster. I cuss. I say the word "damn" several times during the day and you may even hear me say "shit". Am I less than a Christian for saying these colorful words? Am I missing a part of heaven that others seem to have achieved because they never let the "f-bomb" leave their lips? I don't think I am. I'm not convicted about it. I'm covicted about other things. I'm convicted about the falsehoods in my life. I'm convicted by the curtain I put around myself so that I can point at my Wizard of Oz trick to others around me. That is the biggest thing around me. I find myself convicted almost to my knees about the false pretense I put out there. "I'm ok!!!", "Nothing is wrong in my life!!!", "I have every thing figured and measured out!!!", ect. These are so false and they convict me every day. But as Christians our myth is to show this side of us only. Not to show the ugly side, such as, I have been so depressed the last couple of weeks I haven't been able to find the motivation to clean my house. There are times where I'm so overwhelmed with life I can't function. But the myth is to hide this. So yet again I find myself busting another myth. Christian life can be so hard that the load sometimes is over whelming. And although I still show a very raw side to my journey there is still even more things that are more raw. Its easy to say I'm the perfect housewife and how I love being a wife, praise God for making me a women...blah,blah,blah, these things to me are false pretense I see a lot of women project. As I women I deal with even more complex things then that and I don't plan on letting my life become some poster for the ultimate Christian Women Lifestyle. But yet there are other posters I could become. The ultimate PoMo,Hybrid Christian Women. I post it up every where. It screams with all the right lingo of the culture and the correct "look" of this new wave, but even behind that poster my life is jacked and I'm having problems wading through it. Can't we all say that though? So we build more myths and break others so that we can push through this life. Interesting cycle I guess. One of growth, one of contradictions, and one that ultimately belongs to God. And from the most sincere part me can cry out, PRAISE GOD FOR THAT!!! Praise God He is the ultimate mythbuster and praise God that if I just keep following this journey there is peace and His full likeness there.

ARGH!!!

2005-07-21T18:08:00.000-04:00

I'm having major writers block. It sucks. Its busy at work and I can't think of one thing that is all that great to share. Anyway, just type a bunch of nothing just to let you know I'm around. I'm in a weird mood right now, realizing I'm just typing up space and abusing words. There is a thought. How many times do I just talk when I sould be silent. :(

Ok, hope y'all are doing well. See ya...

Oh, btw, tonight is a big night on Big Brother. I'm really bummed at the show. Stupid Eric!!!

PS: I just noticed unkymoods has gone all weird again. :(

Two Words....Amber Fleury

2005-07-20T00:08:00.000-04:00

Who is she? Well, if you are Canadian you might know. If your watching Canadian Idol you will know! This women's voice will rock your soul. I have never heard someone's voice that made me want to cry. This women's voice does that to me. And no not in the "Lord, she *really* sucks!" No, in the way that one of the judges said, Zach, he said the voice that comes out of her mouth is holy. And honestly that is how I feel when I hear her voice. I would honestly go to Toronto, sit through the torture of bad Canadian humor just to hear her sing! If they put up part of her performance on the website I will share it with those in the States who won't or can't get the chance to hear her.

Now, there is one other Idol I don't want to neglect. His name is Josh Palmer. Tonight he sang Hallelujah . It was so haunting. I loved it. He is so original. He's kindof like Bo and Constantine from American Idol. He just has this intense stage presence and such a haunting voice. He is truly an artist.
I'm not a fan of Canadian Idol. It sucks compared to American Idol, but I have to say they hooked me with these two people. I would pay over and over to listen and watch them that is for sure! :)
BTW: Have you ever read the words to Hallelujah? I guess its been awhile for me. Here they are:
I heard there was a secret chord
That david played to pleased the lord
But you don’t really care for music do you
It goes like this, the fourth the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing, hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
Well I don’t even know the name
But if I did, well really, what’s it to you
There’s a blaze of light in every word
It doesn’t matter which you heard
The holy or the broken, hallelujah
Hallelujah...

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel so I learned to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the lord of song
With nothing on my lips, hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

Well, maybe there’s a God above
But all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And it’s no complaint you hear tonight
It’s not some pilgrim who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah
U2 - Hallelujah Lyrics

PBS:Emerging Church Pt. 2

2005-07-18T18:39:00.000-04:00

Hey guys!

I noticed that part 2 of the Emerging Church on PBS has been posted. If your interested just click on the title.

Ok, I just watched this video. I'm glad that McLaren says he doesn't speak for all of us. :P I hate to even think about the Emerging Chruch being an insitution, which I know it will at some point, but it was disappionting hearing McLaren promote it that way too. What I did like was him pointing out how we used the bible as a dictionary for morals. Find whatever moral think you think is bad or not bad, pick a verse and decide. Excellent point.

I guess after watching I felt I was still on the organic trail of this and wanting to keep as far away from anything "formal" as possible. I guess its the hybrid in me. HA

YUM!

2005-07-18T17:24:00.000-04:00

You know what sounds really good right now?

A peanut butter pie. YUM!!!

Sorry its a crazy day at work and all the sudden it hit me that I wanted a peanut butter pie from Perkin's! LOL Thought I would make y'all crave something as well! ;)

Introducing...

2005-07-18T10:15:00.000-04:00

Sodacoaster!!! Ladies and gints, from near and far, Miss Soda or Miss Coaster (if your nasty ;) ) has opened a blog! She already has some great stuff so check her out!

PPSSTT, Karen, she might be in your area. *nudge, nudge* ;) LOL

Click on that there title and it will lead you to Who Is Gilbert Grape? I also have the link on my blog list for those who will want to read this in the future. :)

Blessings!

Soul JOURNEY

2005-07-17T22:01:00.000-04:00

I get a daily devotion in my e-mail called Soul Journey. I like it. Although I don't read it every day. I normally read it when I feel the pressing to. Today I felt that pressing. One of those moments where you feel God's gentle hand nudge you towards something.

Here is the scripture:

Colossians 3:5-14

5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry . . . 7 You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8 But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. . . 12 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Good scripture. The one part of the verse that stuck out was this, "Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. . . " This stuck out to me for many reasons. Some of you are even thinking of the same things I am. But then I read the thought after this and it reinforced why this scripture is so profound to me.

"How often do we present ourselves to one another in a similar manner? Cutting away the truth of who we are, we hide the struggles we're facing in our walk with Jesus. To fill the empty spaces, we copy spiritually vapid words into our conversations and paste convincing smiles on our faces. Confronted with our fake presentations, we conceal the truth and end up living two lives. Seemingly perfect, yet truly fabricated.

As believers in Jesus, we're called to cut away the things of old:anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from [our] lips (Colossians 3:8), a difficult task in itself. But putting on the new self is not something we just paste in place. Developing the character of Jesus requires patience and truth with ourselves and with one other."

And this is where Christian Community becomes real and growth comes. So many people are missing this. They cut and paste what they want people to see. They have so many different images they nor you never know which cut and paste person you are talking to. They have thier everyday life cut and paste, they have thier church life cut and paste, and for some even an internet cut and paste. None of it real. None of it truly false either. But yet it is truly missing the richness of the Christian life and the fullness of Christian Community. The thing is our messy Christian life, the messiness of tearing off the cut and paste, wiping away the glue and the technical stuff that holds up our fake facade is what fertilizes the ground. It is when we decide we want something deeper with Christ and those around that the ground becomes rich for growth. Its sad that we think its the fake stuff that makes Community grow, but its good ole' organic realness where we find Christ and the fertile ground of change.

To read the full devotion for today click here.

Church In The Grocery Isle

2005-07-15T21:26:00.000-04:00

Today Blake and I headed to our local grocery store to pick up food for the week. As we were walking down one of the isles we ran into one of the members of our old church. Her name is Peggy. Peggy is a jolly ole' gal from England. Seriously, she is a wonderful spunky lady. She and her husband is originally from England and adopted Blake and I very quickly when we got married. So there was Miss Peggy in the isle, we didn't notice her at first, but she noticed us. She looked at Blake and exclaimed, "What are you doing here?!?!!!" Blake looked over and saw the smiling Miss Peggy. Soon church began in the middle of the isle. God really used Miss Peggy to up lift us today. She shared with Blake how she missed him sharing at the Breaking of Bread service. She told she always found it thought provoking and wonderful. This made Blake's day sense lately he has been informed of things other wise about his thoughts. Some how soon though we started talking about church communities expectations of one another. In her english accent she said,"Oh, everyone at church wants to put on a big fake smile and say 'everything is fine!' and we shouldn't be like this." To add to the importance of what she was saying by putting on her fake smile and fake happy eyes and ended with a disgusted look. It made me laugh. She then went on to talk about how it is wrong of us to want each other not to be ourselves and the pressure that we put on one another to make sure we are not. She then smiled and said, "The only person I know who can change me, has been changing me for over 80 years and He hasn't stopped yet." I loved it! She reminded me that the only changing power is God's and even when I'm in my 80's it still isn't over, but to that end, no one's opinion matters on how I should change and be, but the opinion of my Lord, my God, my Master. How rich that statement is.

So God bless Miss Peggy Ritchie! What a wonderful women! And praise God for making sure we had church in the middle of the grocery isle. I think Blake and I would agree it was much needed.

Don't Talk About That...There Are Starving Children In China!

2005-07-15T10:13:00.000-04:00

Remember when you were a kid, depending on your age, and you wouldn't finish eating your dinner your mom or whom ever would say, "there are starving children in China" or Africa these days. I remember this? I even remember it being used as a line in Dirty Dancing. (for some reason when I think of this line I think of that movie) At any rate, this was to make us feel bad that we were so blessed to have food that we would finish eating our brussel sprouts or whatever "health food" our parents wanted us to eat.
Fast forward...yesterday I had a couple of instances where someone used this same type of thinking but in a different way. In the middle of good or even heated conversation someone pops in and says something to the tune of, "think of the starving missionaries in the world...", now this is an exaggeration, but you get the idea. Basically, its a way to manipulate conversation to someone else's agenda. It could be to many ends. From the examples I have from yesterday I can't quite figure it out, but I did get the message. The message was, "this is stuff we shouldn't be talking about, I don't like it, so I will throw this out there to make you feel as though your spiritually deprived." Now, they weren't successful on making me feel spiritually deprived, but they did accomplish one thing. That was to make me realize how often when we are uncomfortable with a certain behavior in the christian world we try and find ways to manipulate those around us with spiritual superiority. The thing is, it is not wrong to talk about tough matters, nor is it wrong to question the community around us, and nor is it wrong for those of us in the community to have heated exchanges. This does not neglect the missionaries who are overseas or not overseas. Nor does it make those missionaries better than us. There are things in christian communities that need to be addressed and just because there are people doing things we deem highly spiritual does not mean we should stop addressing problems. Heck, part of the problems can be some of these missionaries. Nor does it mean those who are addressing problems are ignoring work being done by others.
Brooks has a great entry on his blog and I think it could be a good parrell here as well. Brooks talks about the balance between being too individualistic and too community oriented. He talks about the extremes and the negative effects of both thinking, then addresses the positive on both. But he points out that we need each other. The same here. There is balance needed. We should always find ways to support those who are doing work as missionaries and support those as God has lead us. We should always be mindful of our part in the Great Commission. On the other hand, we must realize we are more and more being saturated into a new environment and with that calls into question a lot of what we have always known. These issues need to be addressed. They aren't going to go away. But if we focus too much on the issues and never try to fix them so that we are a healthy body then we neglect the Great Commission. There needs to be a balance between both thoughts. There also needs to be a healthy balance. And what I saw yesterday was unhealthy. It took a detour that stopped growth and acknowledgment of change. Do any of y'all watch Friends? Remember the episode after Ross and Rachel broken up, Rachel and Ross were trying to get everyone else to kindof pick sides. What happened? Chandler started smoking and would try to entertain people instead of letting the people work things out. The same with what I'm talking about here, we must allow healthy conversation so that we may grow and to that end change things around us for the kingdom.
I hope this makes sense to y'all. I just kept noticing a running theme and I saw how unheathy it was and thought, what better thing to do then to blog it! ;)

Blessings!

My Decision

2005-07-14T12:53:00.000-04:00

I want to thank those of you who have encouraged me to stay on with this blog. I didn't post what I did to boost my ego or to get encouragement, but thank y'all so much.

I realized today I was letting someone dictate to me what I was going to do. I realized that I allowed them to bully me with emotional bullying. Here at my blog I shed alot of masks, ones that I try daily to shed in real life. I want people to know the person they find here is the same they would find outside of it and visa versa. With that, it leaves me in a place to be critized and allows people to use information anyway they want. Such as the case with my enteries on forgiveness. Although I would never do that to someone there are people out there who will and have. I need to accept that and get some thicker skin.

So I have decided to continue to be real here. I have decided not let a bully emotionally drain me to the point I question things I know to be true and right. So I will continue to share what I feel lead to share, again hoping it touches one person, spurs them onto new and different things, and that we all grow together on this journey to be real, honest, and passionette about being a full body of Christ.

Many blessings!

How Many Times...

2005-07-13T00:50:00.000-04:00

I was just reading an article at ALLELON called Chocolate Chip Spirituality by Brian Turner. I love how he starts off:

"Aunty Gladys' Chocolate Chip Cookies
½ cup butter, softened
1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons sugar
1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons firmly packed brown sugar
½ teaspoon vanilla extract
1 large egg
1 cup plus 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
½ teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon salt
½ cup chopped pecans
1 (6 ounce) package semisweet chocolate morsels

Beat butter and sugars at medium speed with an electric mixer until creamy; add vanilla and egg, beating until blended.

Combine flour, soda, and salt; add to butter mixture, mixing well. Stir in pecans and chocolate morsels. Drop dough by heaping teaspoonfuls onto greased cookie sheets. Bake at 350 degrees for 8 to 10 minutes. Cool slightly on cookie sheets; transfer cookies to wire racks to cool completely.

Yield: 5 dozen
So often, we look at spirituality as though it were a recipe. Let me see if I can illustrate:
½ hour prayer, daily
1/4 chapter plus two verse memorization Bible study
15 minute morning devotion
½ page entry in daily journal
1 gospel presentation
1 hour small group per week
3/4 hour service in local church
1 ½ hour weekly corporate worship
10% gift of weekly income
1 large act of love to a complete stranger

Yield: Spiritual Maturity
Sound familiar? If you have been a Christ follower for over a week, it is likely you have been given the Chocolate Chip Spirituality recipe. "

How many times have I seen this on people's web sites or in bible studies where we pull out our recipe for Spiritual Maturity? For me I see it way to often and really all I see is a weak recipe anyway. Because just like Brian says in his article:

"The anthem of Chocolate Chip Spirituality is, 'A-B-C it's easy as 1-2-3. So simple as Doe-Ray-Me. A-B-C, 1-2-3, Follow Jesus but do it exactly like me.'"

Although any church can claim to have this there is a guru side to all of this. We have our local guru, our state guru, and last but not least our national guru. They spoon feed us, we allow them to mind you, and they make as simple as 1-2-3 just as Brian says. Wonder as a community when we are going to stand up to this model and say no more? I wonder when we are going to say it just isn't that simple and your cookie cutter doesn't fit me! At the very least the power we have given these people is out of control. Especially on a local level. This is where this "plain and simple gospel" and "plain and simple lifestyle" becomes very abusive. We also need to realize that God made us each different to serve different parts of the body and if anything this article at least made me think of how dangerous it is when we keep a "plain and simple" mentality around us.

PS: You can click on the title for the article.

PBS

2005-07-11T00:38:00.000-04:00

Hey guys!

Y'all really need to watch this. If some of you are still in the dark about the Emergent Church please watch this video. I think it is very informative. It does make my heart ache though. I want to find this in my area so much. I would love to find some christians who are activley seeking this out as much as me. I fear in my area there is no one looking for a faith journey outside of the ordinary and having true community. ARGH, more frusteration. LOL

Being Creative

2005-07-10T23:10:00.000-04:00

I have some friends working in missions right now. They are in a closed country and sending them e-mail has been an interesting thing. Thier e-mail is not secure so I have to be very careful of how I word things. I can't use words that would send off signals to anyone who might read it. Just now I sent them one and I said I would be praying for their new life in ______(the country they are at). When I hit the send button I wondered if that is the wrong thing to say. Man, its rough knowing your words could get them caught. Anyway, I'm sorry to be secretive of who they are and where they are at,but for reasons I'm sure you can figure out I don't want to get specific. If y'all could pray for missionaries who are in closed countries, that God protects them and they also are able to make relationships that impact the kingdom. :)

Blessings!

I My Mood Today Is...

2005-07-10T19:46:00.000-04:00

I feel very frusterated with myself today. I don't like feeling like a victim and I don't like acting like one, but lately that is what I have been acting like. Skirting around certian issues going on in my life and hiding from certian things.
I'm frusterated with not knowing if I will ever be able to be apart of a church. For the thrid week (maybe longer) Blake and I found ourselves not going again. I like the church we have been visiting. I think its great. The people are so nice, but there is this part of me that fears them. I fear them finding out who I really am and what that means about my time there. I fear them. I fear them with a passion. They can potentially be like others who have taken advantage of me and of others, then never acknowledging any of it. I know this sounds strange because we are all human we have the potential to hurt one another, but honestly I'm in a place right now that cannot allow one more thing. Which leads me to my other frusteration.

I'm tired of feeling vunerable. I hate feeling that way. Its frusterating to me. I don't like feeling
I'm fragile and someone can use something they may know I'm struggling with against me or for their abusive behavior. I guess this comes from experiences, but right now I'm just feeling vulenerable which means I can be prone to being hurt futher. I'm not a fan of that, which who is?

I'm also frusterated with Christians abusing their "power". I'm mad that I have let their abuse dictate as of late what I write about. I had someone recently use my blogging on forgiveness and bitterness as a tool. They think that my enteries have been about them, so then thinking they have power in my life, because they are in "ministry" they can speak into my life and tell me what is wrong with me. So now, I wonder if I should continue to blog and if I should, should it be as raw and real as it has been. I don't like giving people of this nature any more rope than I have to, but knowing they continue to ignore request of staying away from me it makes me want to stop. I thought my post on my name would have cleared this stuff up about what I write here, but I guess it didn't. So I'm frusterated with that. Do I close this thing down, do I start just sharing surface things, or what do I do? I personally am to the point of shutting down. I'm tired of my words being taken out of context or my words being used to supporst someone elses' sick games. I said in the "My Name" entry that if you think an entry is about you then to ask me if it is, just ask! Especially with my blogging of my journey on forgivness and bitterness. Out of respect for the people I have problems with I'm not publishing thier names. They don't know about this blog and as far as I'm concerned I'm talking about my journey with it. Those people know who they are and although I have been treated with less respect they would give a dog, I will treat them with respect and not publish thier names and all the events that have caused me to continue on this journey. I wanted to share my journey, but I didn't want my joureny to be used as a tool by someone who knows nothing about me to speak into my life where they have 1. no foundation or history with me, 2. have no respect for me, 3. have never built a community between us. These three issues have deeper subtext, but they are good surface examples.

So anyway today has been a day of thinking alot and from that feeling very frusterated. To add to that frusteration I got an e-mail from a friend dealing with junk at their church and although they have not gone into depth about it, the under tones sound so familar my skin starts to crawl. Don't you wish it weren't wrong to bang heads together or to be violent at times? Just joking! Anyway, maybe some trusted friends can pray for me.

TallSkinnyKiwi: Emergent Village On PBS

2005-07-09T09:14:00.000-04:00

Thought I would share this article with y'all. He shares about the PBS article but I like what he says at the end, maybe I'm not a hybrid after all?

"
That guy looking stumped into blankness is not meditating nor being hypnotized but is actually thinking about how to answer the questions about his church Solomon's Porch. And yes, that guy is Doug Pagitt and his birthday was this week. Some leaders of Emergent Village get interviewed at PBS online which is worth a read, and worth waiting for part 2 which will be posted next week. HT Kevin Cawley. And BTW, the Wiki defintion of Emerging Church is now updated and improved, and includes an excellent quote from Chris Seay - “It should be clear we are championing the gospel and missional values, not what (some) describe as ‘ministry intentionally influenced by postmodern theory.’"
It is that kind of clarity we need when talking to the media about why emerging church is often looking different than traditional church. Its a missional thang, NOT a postmodern thang. We are going back to the Bible and taking it seriously, NOT discarding it in favor of French deconstructionists of the 1970's.

As for the concept of "post-emerging" (Ginkworld), it may be helpful to think of emerging church in 3 stages:
1. Submerging - those going deep into culture to listen, think, pray, and share the gospel among the emerging culture.
2. Emerging - When the new church structures begin to rise up and take shape organically inside the culture, a process that will often be described as having "emergent characteristics" and displaying "emergent behavior".
3. Converging - When the new church structures begin to connect to the other existing structures, local and global, and form part of the web that is the body of Christ.
Of course, if you present these options to churches, they will normally choose the one that is most advanced and complete, no matter where they are in this process. But it might help those who have been going 15 years and are now part of the church fabric, despite growing up with emerging culture people. "

This is the full article although I was lazy and didn't put in the links he has with the article. If you want those, please just click on the title and it will take you to Andrew's site. :)

I'm SO Excited!!!! YIPPEE

2005-07-08T20:35:00.000-04:00

Unky Moods is working again!!!!!!!! Oh thank goodness!!! How happy am I!!! I was so sad thinking it was gone forever. :P
Blake, Drew, and Lydia do the dance of joy! ;) LOL Sorry I knew y'all would get that. HA

Ministry And Power

2005-07-08T20:33:00.000-04:00

I used to remember what it was like to be in ministry and the power I wielded from it. I think those of us who have been in position to be over a group of people in a spiritual sense there is power there. I don't know that you realize it until later, but you look back and you see the power. You can even see the abuse of it. The one memory I have that comes back to me when I think about this time is in my life was at Valentines party we had for our youth. There was a time to have the alter call and one girl (youth) found herself pinned in a room with a group of other girls trying to "save" her. I guess whatever they were doing wasn't working, so because I held the "power" of being "Missions Women" I was found to come and save the day, oh and the girl too. ;) Anyway, at that time I was still just trying to figure things out. I was raised church of Christ, there was no prayer there was a question, "Julie do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior" which you would reply, "Yes I do." and then the preacher gives you to a group of women or men depending on your sex and they would lead you to a closet or room, help you change into your baptism clothes and then you were dunked. So for me I was still trying to understand this whole "sinner's prayer" and the Roman Road. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. Anyway, so I'm called in, this clueless girl with an even more clueless "Mission Women" and that is when the power and the abuse of it began. I remember all of us gathering around her, we talked and no response. So I stupidly did the, let us pray and have a moment of silence to let her maker her decision. No pressure. I guess you can guess what happened. Well, maybe not, we were silent for awhile, I suddenly felt the pressure of realizing I was the "Mission Women" I needed to bring this home for the home team, so I said another prayer, "Father, you just move through this room. Father, You are great and so _______ how great you are let her accept you. And Father even if she just says 'yes' that is enough." Long dramatic pause and a little girl's voice says "yes". What else was she suppose to do? I look back at that time and I wonder what gave me that right? I wonder how many times that girl entered an "alter call" after that? I abused a power that God gave me, just so I could add a notch to my belt or save face.

Abuse of power is common place now for our churches. We unknowingly and maybe knowingly abuse a position or leadership role God gave because we have to save face, we have to remain in control, or we don't want people to know the truth. We don't want them to know the sham. How often we find out that the "higher of us" miss the mark or by margins miss the mark and the whole time had they just been real with us we could have dealt with it. I wonder a lot had I gone into that room, looked at that girl and told her I didn't know what the hell I was doing, but instead to share my story. I wonder what would have happened had I just told her for that night to think about the things I had told her and others had shared. I honestly don't know where that girl is now, to my shame, but aren't we all guilty of that shame? I wonder if I would have realized I have to earn the right and build community with that girl what would have happened.

I guess, for me, the business side of church took over. I didn't see the fullness of what God had called me to. I look at so many times around me that I spoke into someone's life because I thought I had that right, but I did not. Although I was being "real" they truly saw the truth. They saw the cracks in my mask. My plank kept getting longer and no amount of cover up helped. How many other church leaders right now are under the same delusion I was or under the euphoria of power that they can't see the damage they are doing? I'm afraid there are still too many. Too many not realizing the importance of relationships. I think of Christ's examples. Zacchaeus, the adulterous women, the sinful women (alabastar box), so many others where He did not abuse the position He was in, but used it to help others, but He also won the right to be there.

I think or feel that the more we seek to honor the body of Christ, seek to honor the beauty of who Christ is to us and how that impacts us we will then see a change in our churches. I know this sounds like a downer, but I'm afraid it will not happen. I'm not sure if there is a way for our leadership or the body of Christ to acknowledge of the abuse we have done to one another and to a seeking world. I think it will be one person at a time, slowly waking up out of the slumber and looking around us and seeing what we have while being the walking dead. May it be with us all to take the opportunity daily to change the confines of what we think it is to be a christian leader in the world and our churches today.

Blessings!

Big Brother

2005-07-07T21:08:00.000-04:00

I'm so excited Big Brother has begun! Its the one thing I look forward to durning the summer. Alot of people don't care for this show, but I think it is great. The social experiment is amazing to me. This year one of the twist or maybe the twist is that each Big Brother contestant is teamed up with another Big Brother contestant. They can be best friends, siblings, SO's, ect. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. I will never forget last season when Micheal and Jennifer found out they were brother and sister. What an emotional moment. I don't know if they can top that , but I look forward to the new experiment and see what happens. Anyone else a fan?

I'm In The Process...

2005-07-05T01:48:00.001-04:00

I'm under construction. I'm moving forward. I have recently started to reread two books, one being Beth Moore's Praying God's Word and Harold S. Kushner's How Good Do We Have To Be?. I have realized more and more that I have not worked through some events that happened when I first moved here. Its been painfully obvious for a long time. To even show me even further what I need to work on I have had other events that have a common thread to show me that I need to keep on the path and the journey of forgiveness.

One thing I'm working on right now is being completely honest with God. I have for once started admitting who I'm really angry at. Although I am angry with the ones who hurt me or betrayed me, I'm also angry with God. What?!?!! Yes, I'm angry at God. I've allowed myself to tell Him why I'm angry. This hasn't been an easy process. I'm mostly angry that He hasn't brought justice. I'm angry that He hasn't moved this people to want to change anything. The reason this makes me so angry is because several years ago I had two different situations where I had to forgive people before there was ever any acknowledgement from them. But what was so amazing about their situation was that God did amazing work of bringing us together, not only was there forgiveness, acknowledgement (on both sides), but there was restoration. I guess in my mind from those two situations I thought that is how Christians and God worked this stuff out. I'm angry that this has not been the situation as of late. So I'm angry at God for changing the rules and I feel not giving me the tools to deal with this.

The other thing I'm working on is the disappointment in so called/professing Christians. Ok, I'm not just disappointed I'm angry at them. I'm angry that they do not respond to confrontation. They do not respond to the realization they did something to hurt you. Is this just a Canadian thing? Or is this just a lesson God is teaching me? Again, this goes back to the process I had gone through several years ago, where a Christian brother/sister was confronted and it was prayed over, talked about, acknowledged and we walked through it together. I just don't have any tool that helps me deal with unacknowledged hurt or glib behavior towards someone's hurt. By glib behavior I mean acting as though every thing is just fine between us. I just don't have any data or file to pull out and process this. The words I use a lot in these situation is, unreal, 'I just don't get it', Wow, 'I'm just lost', and many other words. I just don't get how people can just ignore confrontation or treat it so lightly.

So with these two things in mind I have seen God slowly giving me words of wisdom. Not only through His word, but through other's words as well. One thing I'm chewing on right now is from Beth Moore's book Breaking Free from Spiritual Strongholds; Praying God's Word this book has given me a lot of help. She uses a lot of scripture, but there was a quote that made me pause and understand what was being shared in scripture. The quote says:

Withholding forgiveness until an offender understands or acknowledges the emotional pain they have inflicted is a subtle form of revenge. Why? Because it's hoping that the offender would hurt a little too, in order to understand. But this type of revenge robs you of your freedom and allows the offender to keep control of you.- Dr. Chuck Lynch,I Should Forgive, but...

I never thought of it this way. I'm upset or angry because my "offenders" have never acknowledged my pain and the effect of their wrong doing. So therefore I allow this dead body to continue to hold on to me. I can't be free because I'm not letting go of the chains because I'm allowing their lack of acknowledgement infect me further, even more than the original hurt. This is costing me a lot of energy, its costing me happiness, peace and joy.

Another thing I'm allowing myself to realize is my offenders were wrong and what they did/are doing is wrong, BUT I still need to move on. I at one point had made the assumption that it was me. It had to be, why would they (the offender) not acknowledge what was going on. I have finally allowed myself to put the ownership back on them. This allows me to take steps on things I can work on, instead of trying to fix everything, even the wrong doing. This was and is a madding circle. Its an insane one. So I have stepped out of that circle. I have been working putting the ownership of the wrong doing back on them and letting God work on me with the aftermath. This hasn't been easy. I'm a fixer. I'm a chaser of making things right and healing. So for me this has been so hard, but it has to be done, because I'm not The Fixer, I'm not The Healer! Go figure. ;)

I'm going to end on this quote again from "Praying God's Word". This quote expresses the importance of this journey. If you are dealing with unforgivness, friend it will kill you before it kills your offender. Trust me I feel the effects of this daily in my life, if there is one thing I can speak on is the energy wasted. Anyway, here is the quote:

Unforgivness is not a self-contained disease. It defiles many. When life heats... its acid boils forth, burning everyone it touches. Neither is forgiveness self-contained. It heals many. When life heats... its living waters overflow-refreshing everyone it touches.-author unknown

This is why its so important to me. And that is why I encourage any of you in the same place as I am. I end with this prayer, blessings everyone:

O Lord, I desire not to grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom I was sealed for the day of redemption. By the power of Your Spirit, help me to get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. I desire to be kind and compassionate to others, forgiving others, just as in Christ You forgave me. (prayer taken from Eph. 4:30-32)

Strange Community

2005-07-04T21:01:00.000-04:00

I like to develop community in strange places. I don't want to just keep community within a "church" context. I have had the fortune to have my LMC (Laundry Mat Community), but I also have been slowly developing community at my neighborhood PetroCan. I know that sounds strange, but I know there is a guy there that I have slowly been having some neat conversations with. They are mostly short conversations, but over time they have developed into more then "hi. how are you?" type discussions. When I first met him he had a cool mohawk and had that whole punk/gothic thing going on. At one point he had cut it off and we talked about that and even discussed later him growing it back. He now has very short hair, doesn't look as "odd" as he once did. I asked him last week when he was going to do a mohawk again, he smiled and said that sometimes you just have to grow up. I smiled in that knowing way, I guess sometimes you just do. Today I found out his mom works at the PetroCan as well. She is a neat lady. I have talked to her a couple of times. Anyway, its just another place to go and not have assumptions put on me. I'm not expected to be one thing or another. I just walk in and have slowly allowed a flow of conversation happen. I have truly enjoyed it.
Another place I have truly enjoyed community is at our favorite restaurant, East Side Mario's. Blake and I love to go there because they have NTN Trivia there, but we have also enjoyed community with the workers there. We have learned some about their lives and they in turn have learned a bit about our's. We had not been there for awhile, but recently we went there. We both had to laugh because the workers there got on to us for not being around. It wasn't one of those things where they missed our money, but one of sincere wondering where we had been. Its nice and one again so encouraging.
I want to develop more relationships like this. I think these are the relationships that impact the kingdom the most. They to me are where Jesus is. I wonder if any of you have developed anything like this and if you haven't, I truly encourage you to do so. :)

Blessings guys!!!